Lessons for my Sister

always

2011-03-14T17:09:00.000-04:00

There are few feelings worse than seeing the man behind the curtain. Whether it's the person in your head meeting the actual person or seeing how tiny the "cliff" you scaled in second grade actually is. It's this feeling of loss and the idea that you can't go back after this, everything is different now and it always will be. The closest you can ever get to that moment is to freeze right here right now at the second you became disillusioned and well nobody wants to stay there. not really.
So I suppose we must choose to move forward. We delete that song and maybe we get a haircut. We smile and refuse to let whispers and glares hurt us because they could only hurt the "us" that was not what we have become since that night. Still though with all this moving forward we have to find a few things from the past to bring with us.
I reread the first harry potter book this morning, and you know what? It was as transformational and sweet and funny as it ever was. We don't have to lose everything. In the end we will forget people places and events because we want to, because deep down we know that we don't need them.
We keep the people, songs and books close because we know that they are and will always be enough.
Love is always better than longing. Love what you have because it is brilliant and you'll see that when you stop hoping for silly impossible things. The rest with a bit of luck will come to you.

2011-02-22T21:19:00.000-05:00

Today I learned that we never stop looking for our patent medicine. Remember hearing about tales of days gone by where salesmen would hawk their miracle elixirs that could cure everything.
I think we still want those.
We think if we kiss someone else it will stop us thinking about the people we really want to kiss or that there is a cure for everything. The idea of dealing with something for the rest of the foreseeable future is terrifying and so we search for and experiment with a thousand things that might cure us. We get too drunk, we read thousands of books, we sit in the dark and stare at a wall hoping that something will shift and that it will all be better.
There is no cure for sadness or loneliness or loss just like there is no poison that can kill off happiness, love or joy.
There is only life.

2011-01-24T11:31:00.001-05:00

Today I learned about getting "happy"
It seems like all we ever do is try to "get happy" we may not be aware of it but we try so hard to like ourselves,to like our classmates, our family, our course selections, that picture from that party. All in this quest to be happier than we already are.
But today I learned that although you can make the choice to try and be happy you rarely have any control over whether that works out. Yes it is substantially easier if you make an effort but be it brain chemistry, the weather or the plans of other people sometimes we just can't be happy.
Then something changes.
Someone sends you a text or the sun comes out or the perfect song comes up on your ipod and things get a little brighter.
It will feel like something has shifted and I can't promise that it will last much longer than the next text, until the sun retreats behind the clouds again or the song ends but I can promise that for a moment there things were better.
Little sister teen angst is a terrible thing but you know what else is incredible? That childish pure unadulterated happiness that comes in great beautiful waves for no apparent reason.
You are lucky you get both.
And they are both important.
So just try to learn.

You've Got The Love

2011-01-07T20:32:00.000-05:00

Today I saw how incredibly beautiful life is. Today I learned that sometimes you have to cry about the snow.
Be it teenage hormones or coming to sudden realizations or falling out of like/love/whatever , today I cried cause the snow was so freaking beautiful and it reminded me how freaking beautiful life is. That song "The Cave" but Mumford and Sons was playing and it was dark and everything was illuminated by the lights that reflected off the creek.
I was reminded that I could of missed all of this.
Today I learned that life is a journey but there is more than one destination. Often it is easy for us to see life as an A to B sort of thing ; you're born and you just keep going till you die. But maybe that's not right. Why should we only get somewhere in the end? Because in seventeen years I've done far too much travelling to not have gotten to a destination.
Life is a highway and all that crap but I guess the exits aren't marked. Either the road ends or you veer off course and for so long I wanted to veer off course. But I never made it all the way off. But I never thought I would get anywhere either and yet here I am.
Mostly we're all in different places but we can see each other, we are there for each other. Geographically we stay pretty close and yet a thousand different things are happening to all of us. We fall in and out of love, we get accepted and rejected by universities, we go for walks and we stay home, we go see a film. Its easy to think that all of this is meaningless or that's its simply a part of a journey because that is easier.
Important things are supposed to happen at destinations and that is terrifying because the important things aren't always what we want them to be. But recognizing where we are as a destination can make the little things seem bigger and the snow a bit more beautiful. Because the snow isn't just a sight on the passing highway but a destination. So you call someone and you cry and you make a memory. And you keep travelling.

Measure In Love

2011-01-02T21:06:00.001-05:00

New years resolution : blog more! Actually I made a bunch more but those are boring. So I won't get into them.
On new years eve I had a terrible babysitting job but when the child and dog were asleep (and I stopped cowering in a corner) I read a book and listened to my ipod. And the song I kept going back to was seasons of love from rent.
I've always loved this song and it's always been one of those songs that speaks to me.
But this year I heard it differently.
See last year I wrote myself an email which was delivered yesterday. It made me think about the hopes I had for last year when I wrote it and then my mind first went to all the times I screwed up. I thought about the fights and the snide comments and the terrible outfits. But as the song swelled I did what the song was telling me to do.
I remembered the love.
I remembered how after the fights there was the reconciliation and how things got better because finally the things that needed to be said were said.
I remember that for every snide comment I felt a little regret and I said something good.
There were failures but the triumphs had a greater impact.
For every selfish relationship there were real whole ones.
For every terrible outfit there was a good one.
2010 was a year filled with love.
So I resolve for all of us to measure in love and laughter not strife.
A year is composed of five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.
Many of those will be minutes of strife.
But we have to remember the love.

Still I Just Want Back In Your Head

2010-12-15T18:34:00.001-05:00

Today I learned that sometimes you need to get back inside your own head.
There are dangers in living too much inside your own world, you start to forget the people around you. But sometimes you need to retreat. Last night was my Christmas concert and the general feedback that I got from the audience was that they have never seen me that happy. And I can believe that. But I think that it was more then seeing how happy I was I think what everyone saw was more of "me" then I've ever shown. I felt like my body ceased to exist and all anyone could see was my insides , not the blood and guts and stuff but your real insides the ones that only come out when you lose yourself to something greater than you are.
In small doses this is good but it is tiring and it's hard. So sometimes you need to leave the crowd, put on your headphones go for a walk to nowhere, look at some pretty things and read a book. Think about everything, think about nothing make a commitment not to talk or listen to anything around you just be. When you come back everything will be just as you left it but you will be a little different. Because it's easier to let go when you know you can always come back.

There Are No Legible Signs

2010-12-09T23:05:00.001-05:00

Oh my god my last post was in October!
Wow I'm feeling neglectful.
Little sister I just read your blog. I said because it was on the internet I could and now you will probably read mine. Which is good because this post is for you. Personally I've already learned this but you need to hear it tonight.
People are going to break your heart. They are going to grab it stomp on it kick you in the stomach then shake your hand and walk away.
Be selfish. Demand that you get closure in the healthiest way you can.
Talk.
Cry.
Laugh.
Eat some good food or go for a run or have a Buffy marathon or hug your dog or sleep in your big sisters bed like you used to when you were so tiny.
Know that as much as everyone tells you how unimportant this is in the grand scheme of things (I must also now mention that this heartbreak is highly unimportant in the grand scheme of things) right now it hurts. a lot.
And it's supposed to. Because this is going to happen again in varying degrees a hell of a lot more times. And you are going to do this to people because that is how life works.
So here in these early days of real relationships and real breakups you learn. You learn when to speak and when to be silent, you learn about taking sides and the importance of friendship.
Even when you feel at your weakest remember you are strong.
And everything will be okay.
So take a few deep breathes, read some poetry , hell write some sad poems in your journal.
Just know that this is the first night and it will probably be a long one.
But the sun will rise, the darkness will be just a little brighter.
And you have a sister who loves you.

Park That Car, Drop That Phone,Sleep On The Floor, Dream About Me.

2010-10-24T14:43:00.000-04:00

Last year I turned sixteen. So I guess all logic following I would expect to turn seventeen this year. But you know something? It really threw me for a loop. It feels like I've been living in this ageless state which I guess happens as you try and figure out where you belong. I've been trying to figure out what seventeen is supposed to "be" I've been reading and listening to songs and watching films but I still don't know. Sixteen had all these shiny happy expectations but seventeen seems a little more somber. But here's the thing. We feel disillusioned when things aren't as good as we thought they would be but what about when we go into something with low expectations? Seventeen has been sold to me as a hard year where you keep trying to catch up with what life throws at you but I don't want that and I know that can't really be it just like I knew everything wasn't going to fall into place just because I was sixteen. This year has the possibility to be everything and I'm not just going to resign to a year of stress and angst.
In searching for expectations and answers I've learned that you have to make your own and resign to the fact that the future always has been and always will be a mystery. We don't get to control whether that love will be reciprocated or get cast for that roll or find that dress in your size. That's how it goes and maybe we could do so much more if we stopped looking for signs and clues and hidden meanings in simple things. Maybe we could go with our gut and fall down a bit more but have more time to pick ourselves up. We walk on, we end up somewhere and as long as we keep a good head our shoulders then we'll be in a good place. Another year will have passed and there will be more lessons.

YOU BELONG

2010-10-20T16:48:00.001-04:00

This is what I have learned especially since coming out.

YOU BELONG

There is a place for you. In your school, your place of worship, your family, your friends, your workplace, your town or country. Things sometimes will suck and you will feel like you don't belong but there is always a place for you. There are better places and sometimes there are worse places but right here right now? You have a place and a value and a reason to be here just as much as anyone else. Why? Because you are alive. Because you have talents and gifts and insights and hopes and dreams. Even if you had none of those you would still belong and have worth. Just because of the simple fact that you were born. Nobody can take that away from you. They will try and some days you might believe them so you will try to.

I've been told that in the not so distant future that "it" will get better. Never forget that the near future will get better too. There are people who love you , every part of you even the dark parts you keep locked inside they will love and you will learn to love these things too.

No matter what though remember you belong. Carve out a place for yourself in the world and make a mark. Surround yourself with loving people and march onward. Life is never going to be easy but god it can be incredible.

Thanks

2010-10-10T18:30:00.000-04:00

It's Canadian Thanksgiving! I like ours because there is more space between the giant food fests of the winter holidays and thanksgiving. I need space in-between or I'll blow up. And that would be terrible.

Have you ever made a list of what you are thankful for? I've learned that this can change your perspective on just about everything. The bad things seem smaller and the good things even larger. So here we go...

I am thankful for......

My family, my sisters and my parents are a constant source of support,drama,love and laughter. Nothing is ever perfect but I am reminded that my family though constantly changing is there for me no matter what. Not a lot of people can say that.

My house. I have a room of my own and a kitchen and a computer and a tv and a whole library. It's a tiny house by rich suburban standards but a freaking palace by most of the worlds standards.

My Thanksgiving dinner.It is vegetarian,organic and incredibly delicious. I have access to foods that meet my ethical and health standards and so many people don't have healthy food or don't have food period.

My friends. They are hilarious,trusting,funny,interesting,talented and overall incredible people. I don't know how they made it into my life but they did and I don't know what I would do without them.

My various forms of technology. I think I use it for the best purposes (mostly for writing and reading but also for funny viral videos). I don't know what I would do without my ipod and internet connection. Addiction? maybe but I guess I'm grateful that I'll never be cut off.

My education. I don't go to a private school and I'm stuck taking terrible religion courses but you know what? Some of these teachers I will remember for the rest of my life and they're giving me the tools to escape the evil institution they are employed by. Also I'm a girl and I'm getting a kick ass education.

We're all pretty lucky. Some of us have more and some have less but there is always something to be thankful for and something to love.
We're always searching for improvement and that is great because it's how we grow. But sometimes we just need to take a breather to look at how much we already have.

We Now Return To Our Normal Programming.

2010-10-08T11:36:00.000-04:00

Last night I did something that I was really scared to do and it ended up working out exactly as I thought it would - badly. But you know what? In doing what I was so scared of I got over it. In the end things are mostly internal. It's not the love that we crave it's the struggle. Unrequited love is not fun but you know what is? Analysing the situation and imagining conversations and being angsty and self involved. We feel a little deeper and a little more tortured like a character in a novel or something. Everyone wants to be taken seriously and love sometimes seems to be the most serious thing of all. But in confessing, in fulfilling the things we were so scared of we learn something. We learn that there are more important things in live then faint possibilities and that once something is out in the open it's different. Once that internal monologue goes external suddenly it seems lighter and simpler and easier to get over.

And so you do.

And even when things should seem darker they seem a little lighter.

And you feel a little smarter.

And life resumes it's normal programming.

First Week (And a Day)

2010-09-13T18:11:00.000-04:00

I meant to do a first day post but everything was moving so fast I could hardly gather my thoughts. So I guess this is a first week post. I've learned a bit in my first week but the biggest thing is that things get better, and by things I mean high school. I know that intelligence is an excellent thing and that nobody should try and hide it to be accepted or get someone to like them or whatever. In fact I've been preaching this since kindergarten. But we rarely talk about the flip side. The dangers of believing that we are superior. Good self esteem is awesome but we often fall into this trap that makes us believe we are the best. This isolates us, allows few the opportunity to discuss just about anything with us and lads to mega freakouts when the idea that we aren't the best sneaks up on us. I learned that people have important things to say and even if their vocabulary or reading lists aren't as extensive as mine they are valid and interesting and worth talking about. I wish I could say that this discovery was sparked by a lot of introspection and healthy self analysis but it was more of one of those seeing someone else doing something and then seeing myself in that person and kind of losing it due to shame. But in the end the lesson was learned and that is the important thing.

I think my next post will be on time management or perhaps overextending oneself because my whole plan to limit extracurriculars is crashing and burning. But in the meantime I'll try and keep learning and I hope that you are too.

I was hoping the train was my big number

2010-09-04T21:54:00.000-04:00

Today I learned that anniversaries are important because they remind us not of the event but of the time passed. We are constantly experiencing milestones, important events that change who we are and how we see the world. A while ago I posted about the sad realization that yes terrible things happen to very good people and today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of that terrible time. I think of how that person has grown and changed and survived and I think about how my perspective on the world has changed. But mostly I think of time.
In the end what is an anniversary? It's just a day that happens to be the same as something important and maybe something important will happen on this day of this year and maybe it won't. What is most important is the time in-between. The time where suddenly that day though always in the background maybe wasn't that important. The time where we grew and changed and learned and did not forget but learned how to deal. And we dealt.
Anniversaries are a time to look back but only for a moment. Because instead of mourning (or celebrating) a day we can marvel in what we have accomplished in that in between time and be confident that the future will not only be the same but be better.

Leave all your loss and your longing behind you can't carry it with you if you want to survive.

2010-09-03T21:47:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I spent hours cleaning my room. I went up into those top shelves of my closet where I had old diaries and the get well soon fake flowers with the messages written on them. I took all my clothes and ironed ,folded and culled the things I don't wear any more. I was thinking about how a person is defined by their things. From style to economic situations we conform , we break free and we work for things. Here in the "developed" world we are a material culture, we consume , the throw away but most importantly we hold onto things. We keep so many unnecessary things that we can get lost in them. By holding onto old movie tickets, secret classroom notes or never sent letters we don't allow ourselves to move forward. Though I threw out so many physical reminders of past events,feelings or crushes the memories are still there. Some were good (though most were bad) and now they all seem a little more distant.
I learned that there are times in our live when the past and present disappear and we are left alone with a shaky present to keep us company. The last few days before my senior year have been like that for me and I don't know when I'll be back in the land of the living.
But what I do know is everything is clean. The drawers are organized and the school bag is packed with colour coordinated supplies and those are just the external thing. Inside seems to have undergone some pre fall cleaning too. Everything feels a little distant but the most important thing is that we will all catch up eventually.

Vacation Part Two

2010-08-30T19:44:00.000-04:00

Have you ever gone a long time without eating a certain food? Like an apple, and when you bite into that fruit after what feels like forever the flesh is less crisp, less tart than you remember and instantly you are filled with an insatiable craving for the memory of that apple before because when you realize that your memory was simply an airbrushed version you desperately want to go back to that time where somehow everything seemed simpler.

All of this is a lame attempt at an artsy analogy to explain the second lesson I learned on my vacation.

I learned that abstaining leads to dreaming and craving and that our dreams never match up to the real thing. very rarely the flesh exceeds expectation but mostly we are left with a profound sense of disappointment and a collection of past memories which suddenly seem so much simpler. But there is a comfort in this.

On my vacation I went to visit an old friend someone who I have always been very connected to it had been a few years since we had seen each other since then I had come out, recovered from anorexia and in general grown up. He had grown a few more inches bringing him far over his old height of 6'1 along with handling some big issues which aren't mine to discuss. He was my kindergarten husband and for those brief years when we lived nearby we were like siblings.We had seen each other sporadically in the few years since he had left and there had always been a KAPOW! connection. This year we lost that. Sure we had fun and it was lovely to see him but things were different.

When I left I didn't instantly miss him again and more than anything I wanted to have that perfect friend back in my life.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I've learned that saying is truer than one can ever imagine. But like I said before there is a comfort in this. In realizing that we have built someone into more than they are reminds us of limits and of humanity it's when we lose and mourn the loss of a larger than life figure that we see them for who they really are which is an ever changing,flawed,beautiful human being who maybe isn't the same person but then again neither are we.

So maybe these two new people can keep building their lives together.

Vacation Part One

2010-08-25T21:55:00.000-04:00

It's been eighteen nights since I slept in my own bed. I've often imagined my future starving artist life in a dingy apartment sleeping on a futon or something. This vacation taught me that if I have to I will be sleeping on the street under a tarp but god damn it I will be sleeping on a good mattress with a feather pillow top.
If I have nothing I have a good nights sleep.
I'm going to do a few vacation posts so I can chronologically go through the various lessons I learned and the first one was that we need to remember how complex people are. When we spend our days surrounded by the same people we develop quick generalizations of them. So and so always cries or someone else just never stops singing. And sometimes these things are true. But nobody is a character in a film or television show. The complex idiosyncrasies that help to make up who we are can not be explained by a quick flashback scene or written off as comic relief.
Someone won't stop making noise because they feel like they're never heard. Someone always cries because they can't stop their brain from over analysing things and their world really does come crashing down every five seconds.
It's when we go beyond these two dimensional cardboard cut outs that we see people for who they really are and not the simplified version that we use to get through our day to day.
Because in the end it's easier for us to be right, to skim the surface , to be cool and detached and thoughtless.
It's only when we dig a little deeper that we realize the people who we thought we were closest with are the ones that we really need to spend more time getting to know.

2010-07-29T17:27:00.000-04:00

Last night I held the largest social gathering I have ever held since probably my childhood birthday parties.

I'm not going to say how many people were there because then I would look like the biggest dork ever. Let me assure you though our small group made enough noise for a group of 20 to 40 people.

Last night was fun and wholesome and a great time to catch up before I go on vacation.

Last night I learned a lot. I learned that my friends are incredible and I learned why I'm friends with them

Even at our darkest our most sarcastic and our downright meanest there is a light and an optimism inside of us that is always visible. There is a uniting force that keeps us together. I talk about balance all the time in this blog and yesterday was a real lesson in balance.

I learned that a good evening is made by balancing pure youthful energy ( for example waiting for a friend and practically jumping her when she arrives) and darker teenage sarcastic stuff.

I learned that I don't want to put my friends second to just about anything but my family. I learned that I don't want to be with anyone who has a problem with that.

And I learned that when it's time to call it quits you just know. My venture into my first relationship was short and lukewarm. I had fun and it taught me what I wanted and what I don't want. I learned that what I want is someone who understands that I am neurotic, sarcastic, impulsive and cheap I want to be with someone who understands that my priorities (at least for now) are family friends and then relationship. I want to date someone like my friends because over these past (almost) two months I didn't feel what I feel when I'm with my best friends. In the end the breakup was short and filled with long awkward silences and it was very very anticlimatic. But I remembered what I said to a friend a little while ago when asked about my relationship.
"It's a mix of falling and not falling of wanting and not wanting but I know that whatever happens it is important"
This is what growing up is. Taking chances being unsure and in the end learning.
It is through this that we become happier more intelligent self aware beings.
I hope.

Little sister, come and sit beside me, And we'll play a tune on this old piano

2010-07-21T17:11:00.000-04:00

Today I learned that that though we don't get to choose our family we do get to choose how we interact with them.

In terms of friends I am reaching def con one here. You know cause most of the world seems to have vacations to enjoy jobs to work at or camps to attend.
Oops maybe I should of planned something other than walking my dog and watching buffy for this summer.
So right now it's me and the family. Well not really me and the family it's more like me and my younger sister. You know the one inspired this blog.
She's starting her freshman year at my high school come September and I'm excited for her. I realized though that seeing as my school is so tiny I will probably see her on a daily basis more than once.
This is very scary. I haven't had to see my sister that much at school in five years.
eeks.
With the future looming terrifyingly and the present a monotonous seemingly never series of days I figured I might as well begin to get closer to my sister.
I learned that attitude is everything.
I learned that this lesson is something that we have to learn over and over again.
Every single day we are presented with challenging people and circumstances that give us the chance to break down barriers and we ignore them most of the time.
I can't say that these past few days have led to the dramatic change in my sister and my relationship and she still does things that make me want to push her down a set of stairs but who would she be if she didn't make me want to do that?
Family is important and they won't be here forever. You won't be here forever either.
We need to make connections deeper than blood while we still can.

Everybody, everybody wants to love Everybody, everybody wants be to loved

2010-07-10T23:20:00.001-04:00

Today I learned that we are incredibly lucky. Not in a wow I live in an incredible house in Canada and I have an education and loving parents thing (even though I am very very grateful for all that) but in a way that we need to stop judging our lives (in this case our social lives) by what the media shows us. I've often said that being a teenager is quite possibly the biggest rip off (and at times relief) because it is nothing like television,films,books or even music tell us. You know as much as a homebody as I am I still feel the need to go out to do it all because as teenagers we're stuck between wanting to grow up and being so scared of getting old. We fear regret and we're taught that if we don't live our lives like the media shows us then we will have regret.

It makes sense because the point of the media is to sell us things and they sell us things by making us feel inadequate.

It's not right but it's true and it's only now that I would realize this.

My sister and I have been talking a lot lately and mostly it's started off complaining about the heat and then it turned to complaining about our lives, whether she's not totally happy with her current boyfriend or I'm bemoaning my social life. But just now I realized how great everything is. We see our friends enough, play a little work a little, date absolutely wonderful people, have lovely clothes and a lovely family.

We don't have the drama of a television show and maybe our relationships aren't Naomily amazing but they have potential.

We have enough

We have more than enough

I'm happy I saw this as early as I did and I hope my sister can too.

you're such a freaking chauvinist...wait what does that mean again?

2010-07-09T16:45:00.000-04:00

This past two weeks I have learned two things. The first is very brief. That is that heatwaves are the best possible learning enviroments and that the best way to expand your mind is of course not through drugs but through picking a topic a week and reading as much as you can about it. This week for fiction was male coming of age stories and non fiction was an intro to modern feminism.
So onto the bigger stuff.
Which ties into the shorter stuff. This week the book that realy stood out was Female Chauvinist Pigs : Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture. The book dealt with everything from the boi subculture of the modern LGBT community to how thongs are marketed to ten and twelve year old girls. What it really all tied into though was the fact that women are considered unequal to men and a lot of women will do absolutely anything to be equal. Women put the same ammount of work (if not more) at the office and they want to be in on the celebration whether it's a cigar or a trip to a strip club. This book gave me some basic background on feminism and helped me understand where I fit in.
I learned that most movements (especially those involving women) are stereotyped into radicals or used as a quick excuse to basically do whatever you want (especially be sexually promiscous in the name of feminism) (god I'm using a lot of brackets today).
I have been reminded that things marketed to women are usually dismissed. Things like fashion or feminism or staying home to raise kids are seen as things of less value.
I have been reminded that sometimes we need to make our own values and that they will occasionally (or often) contradict what society tells us and as long as what we believe is not hateful towards others than that's okay.
What I like about Feminism is that it raises a million questions for me. Like do I really believe that as Robin Morgan said "Porn is the theory rape is the practice" ?
I don't have an answer for that yet I guess I'm somewhere in the middle.
Summer is a time for questions and answers but most importantly it is a time for learning and searching.

Talk to me.

2010-06-30T11:38:00.001-04:00

Today (okay a few days ago I'm late writing this) I was reminded about how lame most of the world's perception of women is.

I've never had a Sex in the City envy , never craved a clique and I never got that whole "gabbing" thing. I learned that only the last part of that sentence is wrong. I learned that as women (or men) we are often told that a group of women getting together and talking is "gabbing" it is trivial and really if a woman wants to be more intelligent and make herself more like a man then she has to avoid that. But we really are deluding ourselves that men sit around talking about politics or even sports. They talk on the same level of "triviality" that women do. Does this mean that we should never scratch below the surface? Of course not, but just talking about who made out with who at what party or our latest date was like is a way to help us figure out what we need to do next. Conversations like this make us feel comfortable and safe and they help us get to the deep stuff.

Sorry Carrie Bradshaw still not a fan but we have to learn that if we want women to be considered as equals then we need to stop discrediting ourselves.

Falling, yes I am falling, And she keeps calling me back again.

2010-06-25T11:54:00.001-04:00

Today I learned about promises. When I was studying for my anthropology/psychology/sociology exam there were questions about human potential and as usual I over analyzed everything  but it made me think about promise and potential.  

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This summer has the promise to be a lot of things as most summers do. Two months will fly by and in a way this is a last summer. Next year will be about goodbyes and moving on. So this summer has to count. We can try and make lists and plans but we know those only sometimes come to fruition. So we promise and we trust in the promise of summer. The promise of our potential. We will create more memories with the people we hold dear. 

Two months is filled with everything. I know it won't be 90210 and it probably won't even be Daria or Glee but it will be life. 

That will be enough.

This is short but I think it's important.

tick tock

2010-06-17T15:38:00.002-04:00

Around this time last year I started talking about dating and relationships. I thought I was figuring them out and was hoping I could get some good lessons on such a tricky topic. Those series of posts were later followed up with a post about how people lie. So I guess I though I didn't have the best experience ( or really any experience) I learned something.
Timing is weird. Sometimes I imagine a higher power just sitting at a board game ,drinking and just going "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING MEAN TO THAT PUPPY. NO LOVE LIFE FOR YOU"
Maybe that's a bit blasphemous.
Anyways what I am saying is that this week I learned to wait.
Time moves like it is on it's own schedule. Sometimes minutes feel like hours and other times you blink and a few months have past. But time is always there and in time we grow. We have time to search and time to find. There is always enough time for things to sneak up on us whether it's assignments or people or chances. Sometimes we make them sometimes we don't.
In a year I've learned that time doesn't have to depend on anything or anyone. Time passes no matter who we are with or what we are doing. I learned that time doesn't just have to be passed but can be used and grabbed ,harnessed for us.
Time is a tool.
Time is a friend.
Time is running out and soon time will become more fluid and much less readable.
Summer time.
I'm scared by how similar this post is to my previous "starting summer" post but I'm different now.

365 Days Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes 52 Lessons

2010-06-09T17:36:00.001-04:00

It's been one year. Can you believe it? I've stuck with this for one year and I hope that there are many more.

This post is going to be a bit of a retrospective and a bit of personal reflection and hopefully a few lessons thrown in. Usually I spend a few days working blog posts over but today is important and I need to get a post done.

I was reading over my first post and I've never had an incredible memory but I can remember the exact moment that I was describing in that introduction. I remember the song I was listening to (window bird by stars) and I remember what floor I was on as I stood in the elevator (six). I remember the questions I was asking myself all of which were about relationships and who asks who and all that crap. I asked questions like What does a date entail? Do teachers ever tell you the truth? How do you separate something deep from a pile of angst?

I can now say

1) I already answered this in another post

2) Teacher do tell the truth sometimes. Teachers can be total ass faces but they can also be the kind of people who change your life.

3) You separate something deep from a pile of angst by waiting. Passionate speeches work really well in works of fiction but often if we attempt them in real life we end up embarrassing ourselves or sounding incredibly cheesy. In a year I've had to say a lot of important things to a lot of important people. Some of these things I thought out and waited before saying and others I just blurted out. The things I thought about always were a little less angsty and went over a little better.

I thought it would be cool to compile a list of all the lessons I've learned/taught this year so here we go!

1. Preparation is just as important as the end result

2.You never figure everything out about everyone. Or anyone for that matter.

3.Never trust ANYONE who tells you where your exam is not the commissionaire or your classmates NOBODY

4.Possibility is the most fickle thing in the world and when it disappears that is not the end of the world.

5.Summer doesn't have to be defined by how many people I hang out with or parties or events

6.often all a day needs is a new playlist,a good library book and shade in your favorite hammock.

7.Remember to listen. Not just hear but listen.

8.Love,Like,Relationships are never ever easy.

9.That your body will change. You have to accept that slowly and learn to at least like it.

10.It's okay to lack religion but life is pretty hard when you lack belief.

11.Accomplishments are measured by "Done" lists not "To Do" lists.

12.Expectations are important not only do that make life worth living by giving us a reason to wake up in the morning.

13.People lie..

a lot.

14.It's okay to cry.

15.We're always going to make mistakes with our friends.

16.The worst thing that can ever happen when you try is that you will fall flat on you're face. But at least you can say "I was there"

17.Sarcasm is fun optimism helps us grow.

18.Scary things are important.

20.There is no way that you can grow up without assessment.

21.life doesn't have to be about deep thoughts or trying to get somewhere with something all the time.

22.Growing up is confusing period

23.there are things in life that I refer to as big deals and these are important to talk about

24.knowing where you came from and why your life is how it is, is well important. We lament and celebrate and learn from the past.

25.We all get pigheaded and sometimes it's a good thing, being able to stick to your guns makes your a better debater/conversationalist/interesting person.

26.Making your voice heard is important and whether you follow popular or unpopular viewpoint as long as you are not spreading hate well your doing the right thing.

27.maybe it's this crazy rush to get all the cool/important stuff in that helps us prioritize.

28.you could be in a box car or something in the middle of winter with not much else and as long as you had great people with you then it won't be so bad.

29.classy and comfortable always beat out skanky and uncomfortable.

30.there is not a single "meaning of life" but instead there is a lot of things crammed together and if we can figure at least one of them out then we're doing a pretty good job.

31.Having passion is imporant.

32.We all can so often find ourselves obsessed with perfection especially during the holidays. But that is never going to happen so we might as well give it our best shot and then throw in the towel.

33.Check the expiry dates on tofu.

34.we all need to set goals because that's what gives us the motivation to have our done lists.

35. On new years eve You can't look back and focus on the bad or the mediocre. You have to find one day where you felt infinite and hope that by this time next year that you can find at least two.

36.Listening to the voice inside your head and talking it out can be good (Of course only when this voice is normal and not talking shit about you or telling you to do bad things.If so get help asap)

37.Change is always a mixed bag.

38.sometimes despite our innate stubbornness the smartest thing is to get out.

39.Terrible things are going to happen. They shouldn't and nobody deserves them and maybe there will come a time where everybody's lives are perfect. But right now they're not.But we trust that in these things we can only grow.

40.Love your neighbourhood. Go take pictures. Remember that this will always be "home" because this is where you grew up. You will come back and the tree's will seem a little less tall your neighbour's garden a little less lush and the playground will be a little less maintained but you will have pictures.

You will have memories.

You will have your childhood forever preserved by a street sign.

41.Maybe we can only change ourselves about 15% and that makes sense to me. But even if we can only change 15% there is so much out there that we can experiment with. So out of 100 attempts at change we get 15 right and 85 other learning experiences.

42.Volunteering is simply about time. It's about effort and contributing no matter what the cost. In a way it's about giving up and giving of yourself.

43.experimenting is important. Being safe while experimenting is of course one of the more important parts of that lesson but it's easy to forget that old saying "You're only young once".

44.we all need to take a moment and see how much we have changed. See what we have let into our lives.

And be grateful.
And care.

45.Sometimes you have to go with your gut

46.sometimes we need to let go.

47.every once and a while you need to remind yourself that the world revolves around the sun not you.

48.I've learned that nothing ever works out the way we script it as.

50. We need to learn to show more sides of ourselves or maybe accept the fact that there will be a different public self and until our world gets a little more diverse it'll be a pretty narrow picture.

51.There will be things that we can never do alone but that we have to. Things like solo's or making tough decisions about your own future.

So we have to tell ourselves to take a back seat. We have to get rid of everything inside of us that is scared or worried or unsure.

52.There are lessons and beauty in every moment of sadness and joy and anger and confusion.

I hope I have taught my sisters something. I know I have taught myself something.

it's like totally the latest thing though I didn't expect you to have it

2010-06-04T20:11:00.001-04:00

Well for a few short weeks there I had formspring.

In case you are unaware formspring.me is this website where people ask you anonymous questions.

Yes it sounds stupid but humans want to know what other people think of them.

Especially teenagers - we know that we are our own worst critics but we want confirmation of that. We want the good the bad and the ugly.

From this I've learned that I put a good face forward. I don't cause drama and I think people like me for that. And their comments reflect that like or at least moderate amount of respect.

I've learned once again that I don't want to be the kind of girl who is definable. We spend so much of our lives trying to find out who the hell we are that it's easy to give into labels. We can be the weird dresser, or the singer, or the drama maker or the jock or the queer.

But what if that's not all?

I found that people tried to define me a lot while asking formspring questions, as if I spent all my time contemplating one part of me. Things that just are.

I guess that I need to learn to show more sides of myself or maybe accept the fact that there will be a public me and until my world gets a little more diverse it'll be a pretty narrow picture.

And I guess I have to be okay with that for a while because I'm happier now. I am myself. The rest of the world will figure that out soon enough right?
Liking ourselves as a whole is often difficult, we should at least learn to like one of our "selves".
We're approaching the blogoversary really soon. I don't know if anyone will respond but I would love to hear any ideas you have for a one year post!

Dress Rehearsals

2010-06-02T18:29:00.002-04:00

Ever since the smash hit Glee hit the airwaves the world has fallen in love with choir, and show tunes. I of course being the perpetual geek loved this stuff anyways , I'm the band geek, the choir nerd. Glee has provided me with the moments that I dream of. You know the one's where you are singing and suddenly the stage lights come up and it's just you on that stage and it could be just you on this planet and you don't care because this is your moment.
Well I never thought I would get one of those but I did.
It happened accidentally. We were practicing in the gym and they were setting up stage lights for tomorrow's concert and it just happened that the gym lights were turned off and the lovely glowy stage lights came up just as my solo started.
It was here that the lesson hit me.
First of all I had never wanted anything more badly in my life than this solo (it's the female one). So I worked and I got it. So I guess that's a lesson but I'm sure you read the little engine that could at least once during your childhood.
What I really learned today is that we need to learn to lose ourselves.
There will be things that we can never do alone but that we have to. Things like solo's or making tough decisions about your own future.
So we have to tell ourselves to take a back seat. We have to get rid of everything inside of us that is scared or worried or unsure.
It's funny because when we lose ourselves if only for a few minutes (or bars of music) we arrive back into our bodies slightly different. It's a tiny change but it's for the best and it pushes us towards the day that we won't have to lose ourselves anymore.

I channeled Mercedes Jones by the way. Give me her over Rachel Berry any day.

She was the still point of the turning world

2010-05-23T15:59:00.001-04:00

This weekend I learned a few things. I was reminded of the fact that I am the kind of person who likes the indoors. I learned that there are some "teenage milestones" that are quite underwhelming. For example drinking and wandering outside.

Really if you haven't done it yet you can just skip that one.

Unless of course you are into bug bites and cramped spaces and public parking lots.

Which some people are so more power to you.

But in a strange way I'm happy that I did this.

I've learned that experimenting is important. Being safe while experimenting is of course one of the more important parts of that lesson but it's easy to forget that old saying "You're only young once".

Balance,moderation these are the things that are supposed to lead us to a happy life. And we often go to extremes. We want to be very very good and if we can't we often go for very very bad. Even though I didn't really enjoy that night there were fun moments. Sitting on an old friend's lawn and laughing or sitting by the lake in silence, there is something nice about being, about trying.

We need to remember to try. Because that is how we get out of ourselves. And even if we learn that we are much happier back within ourselves we have learned something.

That's worthwhile.

So the universe seems to be against my blogging.

2010-05-17T21:14:00.001-04:00

So yesterday I learned that when falling off a horse one must always try to avoid falling on their shoulder.

Cause you break your collarbone.

And that is the end of that.

This means that posting is going to be a bit infrequent because I can type with only one hand and that is incredibly infuriating.

Yesterday I also learned about people and bonding. It's funny because the thing about getting to know people is that you are rarely conscious of it. Because maybe you are the kind of person who is always seen in the background of the cast photos, always reading a book but always listening. It sometimes takes months for you to realize that you have somehow gotten to know these people. A quick chat backstage, a friendly greeting sometime during the week. You all are sharing a common experience,giving birth to something bigger than yourselves.
I learned that it's easy to ignore this. That it's easy to decide that you are a separate piece because that frees you from the responsibility.
I'm not saying that through these experiences you are making these people your new best friends but I am saying that we all need to take a moment and see how much we have changed. See what we have let into our lives.
And be grateful.
And care.

Opening Night It's opening night! It's our latest show will it flop or will it go?

2010-05-13T14:51:00.002-04:00

Remember way back in the day when I  posted about auditioning for the play?
Well if you can't tell from the title it is opening night. And I guess we could call this the first ever lessons for my sister liveblog. I'm on my lovely friend Peter's laptop. Because this is a liveblog I don't really know where this is going but this feels like the right thing to do.

Which brings me to lesson number one
Sometimes you have to go with your gut. From attempting a liveblog to picking that slightly more difficult song for the spring concert to well being in the school play there are always going to be things that are a little different or a little scary. And that's when we go with our gut. We stop, we think and we go with instinct number one refusing to acknowledge the stupid second thoughts that threaten to consume us.

Today I learned about letting go. As I write this people run over scenes and practice blocking and touch up false eyelashes and yell at other cast members for touching their flashlight and the room is a mess and well it's general chaos. But the curtain is going to go up in nine minutes and there will be nothing we can do. The show must go on right? Though I'm sure we all harbour the fear that things will go so wrong that the show will not go on. So as type I am surrounded by what looks to be simply a group of people gone mad. Or as we like to call ourselves actors.

Today I was reminded of commitments. We live in a world that discredits commitment. It's not really expected anymore.We should aim for total commitment but there is this understanding that In play related news the actors have just left for their posistions on stage. Four minutes and counting. Cue that Madonna song getting stuck in my head. It's been months of work all for this. Seven shows. Which seems like a lot now that I type it. But I guess all we can do is take this thing one show at time. One act at a time. One scene as a time. Scenes that have been run over and over and over
and over again.

  And we got this. I keep telling myself that we got this. Six minutes behind schedule we were just told (quite politely) to shut up. They're telling the audience (politely) to shut up and the swingle singers are playing in the backround. That music reminds me of the million times I've heard it played. The million times I've sang along to it in rehersals. I never thought that I would invest this much time or learn to care so much about this thing. I guess that this is like the rest of my life. Investing time, making commitments and starting to love well...whatever it is. Babies, spouses, hopefully jobs. I know that I'm doing a lot of expanding here but you know I've had a lot of time to think about my future lately.

  Our first laugh. It's followed by another...and another. Now they're clapping. Apperently there are'nt many people out there but I don't care. If this is the rush I get out of someone else's applause I know that the real deal will be brilliant.

It was.

This is late but the lessons have had a chance to sink in.
Can something as insignificant as three boring,commonplace lines change you?
Answer:
Yes.

Calling out for extra help You've got to let me in Or let me out

2010-05-06T16:31:00.001-04:00

Today I learned that sometimes we need to let go. If you're socially awkward like I am it's easy to develop a formula when you are talking to someone. Especially when it's someone you don't usually talk to. Especially when it seems so easy to be negative or try to be witty and pithy (which usually ends with you falling flat on your face). But I've learned that sometimes you have to let go of all the anxiety that rushes around in your head and actually focus on the conversation because when you're so caught up in saying the right thing you're not really listening.

And the things you listen to are surprising and interesting and funny and at the risk of sounding super lame I would said that the things you hear can be enlightening.

Today I was reminded that there is a whole other world outside of me and that it is just as important to the people inside of it as my world is to me.

I learned that every once and a while you need to remind yourself that the world revolves around the sun not you. It sounds weird and clichéd but it's true. We get so caught up in ourselves,our emotion, our world that we forget the six and a half billion people out there. Or the eight hundred in our school or the five in our family.

Have a real conversation today, have one with someone outside your world.

Study up cause there's a big test coming up and it's called the rest of our lives.

Because Happy is What Happens When All Your Dreams Come True.

2010-05-05T18:17:00.001-04:00

Sorry for not posting for almost a whole month! Things have been slow lately in terms of learning lessons and fast in terms of school and life in general. But lucky for you cyberspace I've learned some big lessons lately.
Today I learned that sometimes you get exactly what you want. Everything that you have been doing in order to reach that one goal has worked. You've crossed the finish line.
And it's terrible.
I've learned that nothing ever works out the way we script it as. If we want a clean break we imagine others will only agree with us. As human beings (teenagers especially) we're selfish. If we want something we hope , we expect that everyone will just go along with us. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't , disagreeing is practically guaranteed. And sometimes you win.
And it hurts.
I've learned that we don't always know what's best for ourselves. We want to. We want to be the one in charge, the one who knows everything about ourselves and our interests (god help you if you've had therapy because that just assures you that there is NOTHING you don't know about yourself. ) Sometimes we have to listen to what other people are saying. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems inconsequential or stupid or just wrong.
You have to listen because otherwise you hear it and you react to it and you don't let it hit you. It won't hit you until hours days or weeks later.
Sometimes all these things hit you at once and all you can do is go into autopilot until you can get home sit in that chair by the window and think.
You have think until you know what to say.
Now that's left is to hope that someone will listen.

PS. Sorry for the emotional teenage post. What can I say I'm an emotional teenager today and I just needed to post.
I'm going to be trying to post daily for a while. That means shorter but hopefully more quality posts.
Quality and quantity! Who would have thought!
On a happier note here is one of my favourite webcomics. It's incredibly addicting.
QC

The North American Dream Sweeping Team.

2010-04-06T18:13:00.001-04:00

Today I learned about humility. When you are a white middle class teenage girl (or anyone really though the white middle class is especially good at this) it's easy to see yourself as a "saviour" (a great example of this is How Not to Write About Africa). I have to say I was like that when I learned I would be participating in a habitat for humanity project. It's easy to get a swollen head when people are telling you how great it is that you are doing this, the gift that you are giving someone.
Yes I am giving the gift of my time, I am making a small small contribution.
I had to be reminded of that. We all have to be reminded of that.
How?
Well sweeping for about eight solid hours will do that for you.
I did briefly use some power tools and I put up some drywall but basically it was solid sweeping. Picking up discarded pieces of wood and insulation. Cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning.
I must admit I complained. I bitched. But I got the job done. By the end of the day I was tired and covered in a thin layer of dust.
I was at a loss for what I had learned. What I had contributed.
It was only when I saw on my facebook page that another student was talking about how happy he was that he didn't go. That it was ridiculous to spend $50 dollars on a broom (all participants must raise $50 in pledges.)
That's when I saw the I's. That's when I realized that this day wasn't about being a saviour and it wasn't a waste of time.
Volunteering is simply about time. It's about effort and contributing no matter what the cost. It's about solitude sometimes and bonding with people others. It's about doing what is needed not what looks pretty. It's about giving everything you have whether it's your talents or simply some physical labour.
In a way it's about giving up and giving of yourself.
So I guess the only thing I'm left wondering is
What are we going to do next?

Boo to the business world! You are working for the joy of giving.

2010-03-16T20:53:00.001-04:00

Hello blogosphere! Guess what! I no longer have to pray that this blog makes it to the big time or put terrible ads on it so I can support my various habits and (totally legal) addictions! Why you may ask?

BECAUSE I HAVE A JOB!

Since that glorious moment last Friday at noon I have renamed myself "Job Guru" and I am now ready to share my knowledge with cyberspace.

Okay not really seeing as I searched for a job for about two years and I only ever had one interview.

But like all things I've learned something about life and seeing as that is the purpose of this blog I might as well write it down here.

Out there in the big wide world we are constantly being appraised. For instance today I saw a poster for a really terrible looking movie whose tag line is "What happens when a 5 goes out with a 10?"

Yeah I'm rushing to the theatre to see that one.

My point though is that life is like one giant antiques road show. Especially the whole process of applying for a job thing. You go in there put all your best references and try your best to make yourself look like a puppy hugging starving family feeding rabbit hutch building for unemployed fluffy bunnies model citizen. Sometimes they believe you and you're like that guy with the six million dollar blanket that he bought at a garage sale for two bucks and other times you're that guy who comes in with a bugle from the civil war only to find out that it was made in Taiwan in the 80s.
What I'm trying to get at is that getting a job requires a lot of luck. People don't like to admit that because it's makes them the employed and the overall better smarter person. So maybe the interviewer likes your shoes or they have a thing for the courier font so they remember you.
This means that especially in these economic times jobs are going to be hard to come by whether your sixteen or forty six and that sucks. Especially if you are at the older range and I really don't have much advice for you yet. But if you are young take this as a blessing. You'll be working for the rest of you're life and maybe pushing that back a while could be a good thing.

We're so helpless, we're slaves to our own forces.

2010-03-12T13:37:00.006-05:00

Last night I preformed at my school's coffeehouse. I also helped to run it but that seemed secondary to the iron fist of nerves which was holding my stomach in a death grip. But you know what? I was ready and like all things I learned something.

Fear is something that we let define us, at least partially. Our fears (my fears) help to define us.

A fear of preforming, a fear of germs all of these things stop us from living our lives.

We might not even realize that we want to do these things but there comes a night when we are sleep deprived and anxious and make an angst ridden conclusion such as....oh I don't know

"I hate my life and everything about it and I'm so boring so let's do something totally out of character"

But you know what?

Despite all my freaking out it was okay.

I don't feel any different and maybe that's not the point of it all.

A Modern Family episode talked about how maybe we can only change ourselves about 15% and that makes sense to me. But even if we can only change 15% there is so much out there that we can experiment with. So out of 100 attempts at change we get 15 right and 85 other learning experiences.

Sounds pretty good to me.

Tony makes 60 K, invests in IRA’s, But I’m busy making paper airplanes out of resumes

2010-03-09T20:03:00.004-05:00

Here's what I've learned. Like the mediocre song says breaking up is hard to do. One would assume that it's even harder when you are not in a romantic relationship. But either this is something that everyone goes through or I'm just some psycho. I like option one best.

It's not you it's me, We've both changed though, I need space. All lines from the book of George Costanza, lines I never thought I would be saying them but last week that's all I could say. You know clichés are underrated. Kafka and Shakespeare loved a good cliché and sometimes they are the best way to express something. I've learned that sometimes things need to be said. It's best to pick the timing well and to phrase it well but sometimes that doesn't work out. Sometimes we say things like oh I don't know.... "You need to get your head out of your butt and realize there is a whole world outside your petty drama" (Man that looks terrible when typed). But it leads to better things. I've talked about friendships fading and also the terrible massive fight end to a friendship but I've never had a real "mutual break up". I think that part of growing up is re-evaluating relationships. Seeing what is healthy and what's not. Codependency, building resentment and secrets are not healthy and they aren't real friendships and sometimes it's better to step back versus try to work something out that maybe isn't worth working out. It's been a while since this all went down and I have to say I'm feeling pretty damn good about it. There's a whole world out there and it's waiting to be rediscovered. This post is pretty doom and gloom so I'll end on a happier note 1. Employment is looking up for me and if can get a job anyone can. 2. Spring is almost sprung! Weather is gorgeous go for a bike,ride,walk see some flowers takes some pictures and smile.

Everything is alive it's time you were too.

it's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood

2010-02-26T20:45:00.003-05:00

It snowed

and snowed

and snowed today (though not in time to call it a snow day)

So after a long long long day at school I made an apology,ate a cookie and went for a walk bringing along my trusty SLR. As I pretended to cross country ski by sliding on the icy roads, fed my dog baloney so he would actually let me walk him (instead of him walking me) and took pictures I realized something.

God my neighbourhood is gorgeous.

I live in a town with 217 year old houses. They are expensive and gorgeous and by the lake and every time I bike down there I am very very jealous.

I'm in the "starter" neighbourhood and very happy there but it's not often you look at a brick 1960's bungalow and go "Wow! What an incredible looking house!" But with the sun setting, a blanket of snow falling around me and just the right mix of tunes I saw real beauty. I realized that this is the house where I grew up. My kindergarten fiancée lived around this corner. I caught a crayfish in this creek. I fell on my rollerblades here. I've laughed lived and loved here. It's not anything fancy but on every street there is something magical whether it is the giant tree with a branch that runs perfectly horizontal. In a world where houses are packed onto lots so small one can only take two steps onto concrete before hitting their fence. I get to live with an expansive garden and established plant life.

Though I think the real lesson is this

Love your neighbourhood. Go take pictures. Remember that this will always be "home" because this is where you grew up. You will come back and the tree's will seem a little less tall your neighbour's garden a little less lush and the playground will be a little less maintained but you will have pictures.

You will have memories.

You will have your childhood forever preserved by a street sign.

I had to use a Mr.Roger's quote. That was such a quintessential part of my childhood. Mr. Roger's is home too.

But it all fades into morning when you open your eyes

2010-02-23T19:56:00.004-05:00

So I auditioned for my school's coffeehouse! It went well and I was already for a post about challenging yourself and how sometimes we get so sick of our own lives that we do something crazy and out of the ordinary (and that post may come at a later date). Then I got into a fight with a friend and I was going to post about how sometimes we get so blind-sided by building emotions and short sentences that we miss the massive giant really really important point and in the end we get into massive fights and stuff (but then I realized I had learned nothing and it wouldn't make a very good post.)

Then I heard the news.

And I knew that things were different now. I knew what I would write about.

It's hard to get into someone else's head. Especially when you are opinionated and stubborn. So we see the black and white picture we go "This is wrong and scary. If I were you and would run away and never look back" because in our heads this is what makes sense to us. But then we remember that time where we tried to explain that thing we did to someone and everyone else just thought we were stupid.

And then you get it.

Terrible things are going to happen. They shouldn't and nobody deserves them and maybe there will come a time where everybody's lives are perfect. But right now they're not.But we trust that in these things we can only grow. We have to grow or we just throw in the towel. And we'll never understand why these things happen or how they happened or how we could let this happen but what we have to do is offer an awkward hug and cry and figure out what is going to happen.

Love

2010-02-14T22:53:00.004-05:00

Love
It's a funny thing the way were all told that at 16 there is no way that we can know what love is.
But I know love. I have yet to experience it in it's romantic form- I love.
I love the way the world smells after it rains
I love the way a good song is not just heard through your ears but pulsates through your whole body
I love that moment on the swingset when you and every other thought in the world - are suspended
I love the sound of my friend's laughter
I love the feeling of slowly waking up
I love how on just the right day at just the right moment anything can be possible
I love catching a smile with a stranger, the innocence of the moment enveloping you
I love the feeling of a tiny puppy in my arms how is practically shakes with energy and possibility
I love being affected by works of fiction in such profound ways
I love feeling connected
I love the sound that a large group of people make responding at once-the sound of something greater

I love that second when your working as a team when everything falls together. When you look at each other and think damn we did this!

I love those people who you can contact out of the blue and just "click" with again

I love that moment when you are running so fast your legs start to move by yourself and everything is- free

I love that feeling when you slip on a vintage dress. That feeling that the thing you are wearing was worn when lives were happening. The way yours is now.

I love the first word typed, the first letter written in a new notebook,the first snapshot on a roll of film and the first time you open a hardcover book.

I love how looking through a persons music collection can tell you so much about them

I love that I have a music collection that I think sends out a pretty good message.

I love how couples can be together for a million years or two days and yet the love is the same

I love my mother hugs

I love the way my sister links arms with me

I love my father's guitar

I love that moment when you first walk into someone's bedroom the sheer emotionally intimacy of it.

I love being young

I love acting older
I love being able to contradict myself in so many ways,but still feel whole

And finally- I love knowing that love comes in so many forms that somehow on the most couple oriented day of the year I can find love and beauty everywhere.

happy valentines day everyone

what do you love?

Prooouuddd Proud to be Proud to see (this moment demands a tegan and sara song)

2010-02-04T14:48:00.007-05:00

It's been a crazy three days. I've learned that discrimination is out there,ignorance is out there. Well I knew that but I don't think that I really understood what it felt like. I'm white and middle class living in liberal suburbia. But of course there will always be people who don't share my views...loudly. These views can be scary they can be offensive and in my mind they are wrong(but who am I to judge?). I know that people go through stuff like this every day. That discrimination or hatred is something that we will all experience and something we have to deal with.

I have been reminded though that I am a child. I can fight like an adult, I can speak like an adult but I am a child in this I realize that I should not have to feel the need to fight with adults every day.

So what do we do? For no matter how "average" my sister is she will experience some form of discrimination or belittlement.

Well we have a few options we can stay and fight, we can duck our heads down and hope for the best or we can get out.

You know sometimes despite our (my) innate stubbornness the smartest thing is to get out.

So I changed my schedule and since that 1:45 meeting with guidance I've had a massive smile on my face that nothing (not even the cooking class I know have to take) can wipe it off. I made my points I stood up for myself and what I believe in. I did all i could and maybe I didn't last long but I lasted long enough.

Now I'm going to keep myself safe because it is my right to feel safe where I learn.

I can handle that.

PS If your ever interested in the photography/less composed musings/musical tastes that I throw out onto the internet my tumblr is the place for that.

Lessons From My Sister

2010-01-27T12:22:00.006-05:00

This blog is kind of preachy I know. I hope that if I make enough points that a few of them will be valid and that maybe I/You/My sister will learn something. But it's the #1 sister's (Not that she is my favorite but she was the first sister) birthday and as much as I like to think I am so smart and self sufficient. She's taught me some stuff.

1. She has taught me that there is a whole other side to every story. I have been in the same social place my whole life. I have been a proud outsider. She has not. When I am screaming about indignation she can calmly explain that missing piece to the whole thing. She has taught me about balance.

2. She has taught me about strength. My sister has watched me fall apart more times then I can count. She has been funny and sarcastic and strong and smart. She has made boundaries and protected herself while caring for others. She has taught me about protecting and caring.

There are so many things she has taught me. I think about the things I consider myself to be and one of the most important one is being a sister. So there is a lesson in this; We often disagree with the people we care for we have moments where we want to slam their heads into walls. But we need to remember that these are the people who make us who we are. When we see this we really begin to appreciate and grow with these people. We need to do this because as I've been reminded recently we don't have people with us for a long time and in times of pain often the only comfort we can find is that we loved these people with such ferocity that we know that they'll never really be gone.

On Pessimism

2010-01-24T21:08:00.004-05:00

This is not really a lesson. It's a bit more of a reflection but I'm hoping it's taught me something and I just haven't noticed.

On Pessimism

We are dramatic
We jump to conclusions
We are raised on what if's and worst case scenarios
We all go through that phase where we only listen to music about death and pain and other lame stuff like that.
Maybe that's all just me but something I know for sure:
We are all pessimistic.
I especially have been pessimistic this past few weeks.
Pessimism is scary. It is not kind it does not spare people's feelings or dreams.
Pessimism takes everything that is light and everything that is in between and drags it down to it's own level.
As humans we want to be special. We all feel isolated. We all sometimes feel like we are the last sane person.
The last smart person.
The last person who has any real thoughts or morals or dreams that are actually pure.
We sometimes wonder if maybe we aren't human maybe something weird happened and we are an island.
Separate from anything else in the whole world.
It's comforting because it allows us to be truly separated from everything sad and commercial and scary.
Maybe thats just me.
I do know that pessimism makes life harder. We become islands unto ourself and as cheesy as the saying is no man is an island.
Of course though we are pessimistic about pessimism.
We convince ourself that the hopeless outlooks of everyone else (not ourself though we never put ourselves into that group of everyone else) we be the downfall of humanity.
But then it's time for a reality check because until the end of time the artists will keep painting and the writers will see those paintings and be inspired writing great poetry,novels and plays and so then the actors will preform those plays and the singers will sing songs about great art and the scientists will play that soundtrack as they work in their labs and all the mathematicians will change their desktop backgrounds.
And we'll keep moving forward.
Someone will look at all the pessimism in the world and all the songs about death and eyeliner and they will change it.
They will be few but nobody goes through their whole life being pessimistic cause those people usually kill themselves.
We will write facebook notes we will smile at strangers we will let someone have our seat on the bus.We will stand up for what is right and we will not be stupidly optimistic we will be confident in our own kind because strangely we must (in a way) join the mob if we want to make stands as an individual.
We will grow
We will change
We will continue.

I typed the first sentance now I can't get Elvis out of my head.

2010-01-21T15:15:00.004-05:00

Things are getting all shook up again.

It's funny because change is always a mixed bag. In the history of the world I don't think there has ever been a 100% positive or negative change.

Change is scary and it's fun and it's sad and sometimes we see it coming and sometimes we don't. The semesters ending and I'm happy to say goodbye to law and math but sad to lose drama and ancient civ. I'm going to miss my friends cause I don't have many classes with them next semester. I'm going to (hopefully) enjoy my co-op. Thats scary to though because as much as I want to get out of high school I don't want to be out of the loop.

Missing 3/5 school periods will probably put me there.

I've been thinking alot about change and how it can sneak up on you. Like suddenly you realize that you have to go find out whats going on in someone's life instead of them telling you. Or that three units of math have passed since the last time you looked up at the lesson.

Or that you thought it had'nt been long since you talked to someone from elementary school and then something tragic happens and you realize.

I don't know them anymore.

This post is kind of doom and gloom cause I am coming to a lot of realizations and being reminded of my own mortality and of course the worst thing of all

math exams

On a happier note my new years resolutions are going well my drama culminating was a total success and I think I'm learning even more.

Soon this will all be over and I'll have learned the answers to most of my questions and the changes will finally be complete.

Hopefully.

HIATUSES HAITI AND HOLMES (not mike)

2010-01-16T13:30:00.004-05:00

Sorry for not updating (exams and going to see sherlock homes x784902468-5265902894376 times) are really not giving me much time to post. In the meantime...

DONATE TO THE RED CROSS

NOW

Wait you already have? Of course! You read my blog and are therefore socially responsible and empathetic.

Okay good job now keep raising awareness do a bake sale and give more money clothes and supplies.

Then go see sherlock holmes you deserve it.

I will be back to regular posting ASAP

You Need To Read This

2010-01-08T18:24:00.004-05:00

Being pushy on the internet is not usually a good thing. The internet is an angry angry place where people attack each other and prejudiced can be masked by usernames like sexii_angel_baby92. But I think it's time that my (some say pushy I say determined) personality shines through a little more. So if you only read one post on my blog read this one.

This is Nikki Mawanda, 27, who was born female but lives as a “trans-man” and his life is at risk.

There is something terrible going on in Uganda. See there's a law which originally would of allowed a gay genocide and now will probably be life imprisonment. Life in prison means hundreds of beatings and rape in a so called attempt to "cure" homosexuals.

See I know that marriage equality is important and I will of course be watching the prop 8 trials this week. But I can't really get into the whole marriage equality thing as much as I wish I could when something like this is going on. Because marriage equality cannot be the number one issue for the gay community if people are still being killed for who they love. So what can I do? What can you do?

1.Write. Write letters to the UN to your government representatives. Tell them that you care about this and that you want them to do something too. Write on your Facebook, Twitter your school newspaper and your blog.

2.Talk tell you friends. Make people so angry at you due to the fact that they won't shut up that they do something.

3. Protest. This ties into writing and talking but get together and join or create a demonstration.

4.Wear. Make a t shirt a tote bag a button that sparks conversation so you can work in number two if you are shy (like I am sometimes) and can't bring it up. If clothes are a way to show the world who you are then show the world that you want to stop this.

5.Donate. Places like the Astraea Lesbian Foundation are getting money to the precious few gay rights activists out there.

6.Read/Watch. Read the New York Times watch the Rachel Maddow show. The more informed you are the better you can talk and write and of course make cool liberal references "So I was watching the Rachel Maddow show..."

7. Reclassify While you are reading writing wearing talking donating and watching remind the world that these are not gay rights these are human rights. We need to reclassify and rehumanize these sort of things and remind people that every fight for rights of a human being affects them.

8.Finally though it sounds sappy. Pray or send out good vibes or just think of these people before you go to bed. There are so many people who use religion as a way to justify this kind of thing. Don't believe the crap God (or whatever you believe in) loves everybody end of story.

It's the second decade of the 21st century this kind of stuff should not be going on. It will not go on. Not if I have any say in it.

I Love My Room, I'm Getting Used To Sleeping

2010-01-08T17:53:00.002-05:00

See the thing about internal monologues is that they makes things real. Our worst fears our insecurities go from a passing thought in your head to well a monologue with peaks and valleys a beginning middle and if your lucky an end. And well my name is Katie Kennific and my head has'nt shut up for sixteen years.

This is the latest monologue which opens my life as a movie and I think that it opens pretty much at this moment ( I started this on a mobile blogger thing and I really should be doing school related activities). See my life has gone from dysfuntional teen drama to the land of quirk in about a year and it's kind of making me suicidal.

You know they say that you realize that your never going to be rock star when you turn 25. Of course I never wanted to be a rock star all I ever want is a nice position at the New York Times but I mean if your granting dreams if I could be a kick ass combo of Rachel Maddow and Tina Fey that would be great. But I'm starting to wonder if even that is possible cause I can't handle grade eleven culminatings/exams.

Also I would like to assure anyone who is reading this that I am still my (moderately) sane self and I am at least trying to be optimistic. I;m just so melodramatic it hurts.

In short January is depressing. It's cold for some exams and culminatings are starting the only holiday to look forward to is valentines day (or international singles appreciation day ISAD). What makes this whole thing harder is the internal monologue. Because these are the things that you don't know how to say to anyone and really your not 100 percent sure whether what you are feeling is universal or if you really just need to see someone. So what do you do? You write quick thoughts in a notebook talk things out with yourself (but try not to do this in the company of others) and hope that your head can shut up. I'm not sure if this is a lesson or simply the ravings of a girl trying to write a two act play for Saturday when really her and her group just came up with the concept in the last five minutes of class yesterday. But I do know three things

1. Listening to the voice inside your head and talking it out can be good (Of course only when this voice is normal and not talking shit about you or telling you to do bad things)

2. I will now commence work on a post about my latest cause the kill the gays bill

3.Please be kind dear readers I'm so stressed my head is going to explode.

2009-12-31T11:01:00.003-05:00

It's the end of a decade. Ten years ago I was six years old. My little sister had been born in march of 99 and other than that memories are few and far between. There had been a big snowstorm that year and for some reason the snowplows had deposited all our streets snow in the little ditch that is between the sidewalk and the road. My father and mother were laughing at the Y2K scares and we went over to a family friends house to celebrate. Now it's a decade later. There has been no snow and because of my excessive procrastination new years eve will be spent watching musicals and doing homework. When I think about how many changes the past year brought I am astounded. Everything from my personal style to basic aspects of my personality have changed. Starting this blog was a big change for me. I think it was at that point that I really attacked my one resolution of 2009: to be more positive. If a person can change so much in one year what is going to happen in a decade? I can't believe that the next time I think about a decade passing that I'll be 26 and that just terrifies me. At this point I am looking for small comforts and I think I am finding some.

1. I am much happier with the person I am now than the person I was at this time last year. For the first time in who knows how long I feel like I am being honest with others and with myself. I don't know if all that is a by product of recovery or just growing up but I like it.

2. Basically I have a year and a half left of high school (No more explanations needed)

3. Despite the excesses of celebrity influence, global warming,2012, the "kill the gays" bill and all the scary things going on the 21st century is a pretty cool place. I'm not saying that it's perfect but slowly we are finding ways to be better activists and better people. The fact is that lets say 50 years ago my thoughts would be considered way less important than they are now + the factors of racism,homophobia and even more sexism were trying to stop people's voices from being heard. Now none of these things are gone but (especially here in Canada) they are a lot better.

So end of an era, end of a decade. What are we going to be remembered as? 9/11,Iraq,Oil,Our lack of action considering Darfur? I hope not. I hope that by the time the history books are talking about the past decade they will say "Well they kind of screwed up a lot but they did some good things too and in 2010 it was all fixed." I know that will probably not be the case but I hope with the waves of change that have slowly started in the first decade of the 21st century will really pick up and do something more. I hope that people can learn to be a little more open minded and learn to love each other in spite of and because of our differences.

I'm kind of sappy and overly gushy today so I'm sorry if this post sucks but I's hope to think that there are a few good lines in here because I want to end 2009 on a good note because in a year of ups and downs both historically and personally what are you going to do on the last day? You can't look back and focus on the bad or the mediocre. You have to find one day where you felt infinite and hope that by this time next year that you can find at least two.

2009-12-28T11:32:00.004-05:00

Alright here we go new years resolutions. I know that I like to stress that life is about done lists not to do lists but I think that we all need to set goals because that's what gives us the motivation to have our done lists. So without further ado....my new years resolutions

1. Become more open to physical contact. I can properly hug about two people in the whole world. My middle sister and my mum. Everyone else is an awkward mess. This was particularly highlighted at a party when an (admittedly drunk) person told me that I looked too stiff and they would hug me till I was not. Now could this of been avoided if I was a better hugger? Of course.

2. Follow up on plans. I want to write that TV pitch/pilot. Create my one in eight hundred feature for my school. Make documentaries and do more baking

3. Be a bit healthier. I want to do a little more upper body strength training so I have plans to join a rock climbing gym. Now to see if the one I faintly remember from grade two still exists.

4. Host a single party. I have dreams of being an excellent hostess but it kind of terrifies me. If I can hold one small party by December 31st 2010 I will be very proud of myself.

5. Become more of a performer. I don't expect to become my sister but I do want to be able to sing a solo or do a monologue without puking/fainting/going into a catatonic state for two hours after.

6. Visit universities. I need to look into some more local universities though Kings is my dream school I need to open up my options

7. Write even more

8. Buy more pencil skirts and bright colours and accessories (I have really just discovered jewelry and handbags )

9. Be a bit less of a control freak. I'm not asking that I destroy the basis of my whole personality but everything would probably go a lot smoother if I let a few more things go.

10. Be a better friend. I swear sometimes I feel like someone should just put a big WORST FRIEND EVER tattoo on my forehead to protect the world from my bad friend-ness

11. Be a better (more consistent blogger) if I actually want to make an attempt at influencing people I need to keep quality and quantity up. This blog was created in the spirit of helping my "sisters" but really it's the one that's teaching me. I've learned so much from this experience so far and if I don't make a resolution to keep me blogging I think I could forget.

12. Finally I want to keep seeing the beauty and the lessons in things. Like blogging I need this to be tattooed to my hand or something cause it's so easy to forget. So I resolve to remember that

There are lessons and beauty in every moment of sadness and joy and anger and confusion.

So is it twenty ten or two thousand ten?

2009-12-28T11:12:00.004-05:00

Well as I work on my rough draft of my new years resolutions (I take these things very seriously) I'm trying to remember a) what last years resolutions even were, and b) what has happened this past decade cause it's kind of all a blur. Were crocs in '06 or '07? Which came first the spider hole or the flag pins? So as I try desperately to figure out where 10 years of my life went I'll let all your guys catch up with the new york times visual chart recap of the past decade.

Tidings Of Comfort and Joy

2009-12-27T13:06:00.004-05:00

Well Christmas was two days ago (or whenever I actually get around to finishing this post). Gift wise I am extremely happy as I hope that the new camcorder will rocket me to journalistic/documentarian stardom. Spiritually it was unspiritual though I was really happy with how the choir preformed. I was kind of at a loss on how I could reflect on my holidays until last night. I went to a party being held by my vocal teacher and the rooms was filled with friends and family former and current students. One of her students had moved to France to study music met and opera singer got married and had a beautiful child (I just thought it was too romantic of a back story to leave out). Anyways her and her husband sang o holy night in french and as I was sitting their filming it and thinking " I cannot believe how lucky I am to be hearing this" I realized that this is my holiday lesson. We all can so often find ourselves obsessed with perfection especially during the holidays we don't want to gain weight and find the perfect present and bring the perfect potluck dish along with our perfectly wrapped present while wearing our perfect outfit which we are convinced will ultimately make everyone happy and create the perfect Christmas. But that's never going to happen. So we make a nice potluck dish,lose the scale, do our best to find a good present and present it with love while wearing a pretty nice outfit. Then we take a breathe and listen to the music

Shit, you guys, I have never had straight friends before!

2009-12-20T20:37:00.005-05:00

Well I haven't felt affected by many of the celebrity deaths lately Brittany Murphy's really gets to me for some reason. I guess the lesson here is that people die young,famous people,"nobodies" on the popularity scale,people who are loved and people who feel unloved. And it sucks. But I guess all we can do is keep living.

Here's to You...

2009-12-19T09:21:00.006-05:00

Well it's been just over 24 hours since it happened and I am convinced that I've stop crying at the mention of it. Nothing terrible happened (thank god) but I don't think I've been this affected by any piece of acting this much ever. See we are doing historical monologues in drama class and Andrew Chown has proved to me that he is going to go places. He wrote a monolouge set during the final moments of Tony Chambers who was a mentally disabled man who was executed due to charges related to the rape and murder of an 11 year old girl. However the circumstances surrounding these charges have been deemed unethical by some.

It's not just that it was a brilliant preformance it that after I stopped crying I realized

This is what it's all about

I know I say that a lot but I've started to realize that there is not a single "meaning of life" but instead there is a lot of things crammed together and if we can figure at least one of them out then we're doing a pretty good job.

See passion is important and I believe that everyone has a talent so I guess it works out that our talents can become our passion.

Everyone has the chance to affect people for the better. To laugh,to cry to learn we might not know whats going on but we can be sure we are being affected. I can't say I am sure what my talent is. I like reading and writing and offering my uneducated therapist copying gut feeling psych help. But I know that if I can see the talent and beauty of a total stranger then there's got to be something for me too.

So I hope that the world see's Andrew Chown. I hope that we can all learn to see our talents and take action. The world can be such a terrifying and rejecting place but maybe if a few people change the way they think and a few more people take a chance and throw themselves out there then maybe the world will become a better place.

Here's to you world. Hope to hear better things from you soon.

Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer" I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer

2009-12-12T18:46:00.003-05:00

So that last post was very short but it makes me feel like a more dedicated blogger and I also think that a lesson like that deserves to be short and in it's own category. So the formal was a few nights ago and I can't say I learned much from it. I learned that the cheapest limo company that you got at the last second might possibly have mob connections. Either that or you had nothing to do in the cheap and cold limo ride. I also proved that classy and comfortable always beat out skanky and uncomfortable. But I think the most important thing I learned was that sometimes going out on a limb and not being sure of something's outcome and even though you have low expectation you end up having (at least a little) fun.

I also realized that you could be in a box car or something in the middle of winter with not much else and as long as you had great people with you then it won't be so bad.

It may sound cheesy but it's at times like this that I realize how lucky I am to know the people that I do. Continuing on this cheese fest I need to say that it's at times like this that we need to take a step back and examine our social lives. Not with the critical eye that we (or at least I) usually do but to try and see the light in everyone or at least something that makes you re-remember why you even talk to this person. Like I've said a million times (and especially since starting grade eleven/the holidays) life is stressful but it's better when you around people who love you and even better when you take time to recognize this.
So call your friends rent a good movie (May I suggest Funny Girl?) or at least listen to this and that. Smile , wait for Christmas (or enjoy currently celebrating Hanukkah) and surround yourself with people who love you and don't forget to tell (or at least remember) why you do.

Okay so they would'nt play Sing Sing Sing So Some Rhianna Song Will Do

2009-12-12T18:41:00.003-05:00

Sometimes You Just Have To Dance

Is your heartbeat racing Is this your soul you're facing?

2009-12-01T20:37:00.005-05:00

Today I learned that sometimes things get crazy. What is it about the holidays that send people into a panic? I really thought it could be all ugly sweaters
and you know peace love joy and good will to all. But sometimes it's not sometimes it's crazy Christmas concerts and a million projects due and like 20 billion (okay three) monologues and all you want to do is be super melodramatic and maybe punch someone's lights out.
But I guess that this is the real world and we all need to learn how to deal. These are things we all have to do. We all have to remember to breathe and all that stuff. See I;m starting to realize that life is always going to have a million things to do and we aren't ever going to have time to get it all done. Now this may sound really really really sad and that what I thought at first but then I realized that maybe it's not. That maybe it's this crazy rush to get all the cool/important stuff in that helps us prioritize.

Also in my stress I learned the importance of a kind word , a quick acknowledgement the simple stuff we don't think about. See I analyze people all the time, though most of the time I only point these out if I find them "witty" which can be rational self code for "mean but funny". It's only when we are at the receiving end of a comforting sentence. A cheerful "Are you okay?" That we realize how nice it is to feel cared for. So that's my new mission. Quick and thoughtful inquires.

It's ISU and culminating time. I think we could use all use some.

Colour My Life With The Chaos Of Trouble

2009-11-26T16:29:00.005-05:00

Happy American Thanksgiving to my south of the border readers!

This post is kind of perfectly placed seeing as it's around a food based holiday and seeing as I was JUST DISCHARGED FROM THE EATING DISORDER CLINIC!

So naturally this post is going to be about body image. Cause it's a huge thing for (here's the shocker for some) EVERYONE! Female,male,gay,straight,all races all religions. Our own self image particularly the physical one is something that follows us around. Over the past two years that I've been with the clinic (Yet another reason I am so happy with Canadian healthcare system seriously I don't know what we would of done if the program cost money) I've learned a lot about body image. In todays crazy world with models having photoshopped heads bigger than their hips not only is it hard enough to have a good body image but in fact there's almost this pressure to have a poor one. Few people want to have the tagline of "they think their the shit" but I don't think it's wrong to look in a mirror and say "Damn I look good today" I hope my readers don't have a problem with doing this because the greatest thing ever is that you can change the whole tone of that often so critical once over that groups of people do when they look in the mirror.

There is two loud voices in the world when it comes to body image there is the WOMEN WITH CURVES ARE SEXY AND ANYONE ELSE IS NOT A REAL WOMAN and then there is Karl Lagerfeld. I can't say I agree with either of these voices. Thats why I love this there are women of colour,women of all ages and weights, body types and abilities. And they look strong and attractive. I've learned that making your voice heard is important and whether you follow popular or unpopular viewpoint as long as you are not spreading hate well your doing the right thing. I've learned it's easier to love others when you love yourself and the tiniest positive change you make sends signals out to the world that loving yourself and being comfortable in your own skin is a good thing and though it can be the hardest thing you've done at first it get's easier.

In other news I will be attending the Christmas formal. Now to look for something to wear....

I could dance all night like I'm a soul boy But I know I'd rather drag myself across the dance floor

2009-11-15T20:50:00.003-05:00

Yeah that looks like fun....

Being a teenager is hard sometimes. "Coming of age" rituals can be one of a few things

a)spirtiually enlightening

b)exciting

c)embarrasing

d) physically painful

e) all of the above.

It's November. Midterms are over, the attractive part of fall is coming to a close and whether it's humankind's need for ANYTHING to look forward to or it's everybody's favorite corporate soulless advertisers we seem to be getting in the holiday spirit.

Seeing as I am a junior this means:

winter formal

Now I know I talked about wanting to get involved, participate,make memories etc etc etc. But at this point I want to scream at the world GIVE ME A BREAK ALREADY!

I love getting dressed up,I love dancing, I love dancing with my friends but maybe it's the outsider in me that absolutely detests winter formal. I get to drink crappy Shirley temples, go to a banquet hall beside a highway and pay a ridiculous amount of money for stupid things.

It is hear that the lesson kicks in.

We all get pigheaded and sometimes it's a good thing, being able to stick to your guns makes your a better debater/conversationalist/interesting person. Then there are cases like me and winter formal where you realize that you are so far stuck in this rut that you have no idea how to get out. So you take a step back, you weigh the options and maybe you make a decision or decide to hold out to the last minute (Which is what I'll be doing). Have any of my readers been to any sort of formal? What were your thoughts?

Remember?

2009-11-11T07:44:00.002-05:00

Though my readership criss crosses the globe most of you have some sort of day of remembrance for veterans. So that's what this post is about but of course with a lessons for my sister twist. Also I will be focusing in on WWII simply because that is the biggest area of my history geekiness.

I live in a pretty amazing country. We have a country wide healthcare system, anyone can love whoever they want and get married too. We used to have an amazing morning radio show. (PS. CBC I hate you for the little "revamp" you inflicted on me). I can enjoy all of this for a few reasons and most of them have to do with war.

I can credit half of my existence to three men. Hitler, Stalin and Winston Churchill. See if Hitler and Stalin had never made that temporary alliance and Hitler had never broken it and then Hitler never of invaded the USSR then Great Britain would of never sent forces there to help with DP camps after the war and my grandparents would of never met.

That would of sucked.

That is a map of Nazi controlled Europe. When I look at that and I see how much we had to lose it terrifies me.People died so we could have a chance at getting the world right again.

We've been in a lot of wars since but few have come close to putting Canada in so much danger. I think thats the biggest testament to humankind. That we will go and try to fight for something we believe in just because it's right.

Peacekeeping, it doesn't often go along with guns or tanks and I'm no advocate of violence. But I am an advocate of respect.

So how is this a lesson to my sister? I'm not sure and maybe I'm just being preachy but I think that knowing where you came from and why your life is how it is, is well important. We lament and celebrate and learn from the past.

Never Listened to True Colours

2009-11-08T19:28:00.005-05:00

I have to admit I'm nervous about this blog post. It talks about something that can make a lot of people angry. But there are things in life that I refer to as big deals and these are important to talk about

DEFINITION TIME!

big

1 [big]

deal

1 [deel] Something that is loud inside you. The big priorities. The passionate mealtime conversations, the things that foster friendships and screaming arguments. Things that shouldn't be shut up. Things that make you take chances. Beautifully Terrifying things.

When I set out on my blogging adventure I was at least partially going for a survival guide for teenagerdom and whether you want to admit it or not sexuality (overt,hidden,questioning,outing all that good stuff) are a part of it. Growing up is confusing period. Fate/God/Whatever you believe in likes to throw curve balls at us and we learn how to deal...somehow. It's hard when you suddenly become a minority and you suddenly have to rewrite your story from the typical "Get married to the opposite sex have at least one child have a successful career somewhere" to something else and continuing with this rewrite metaphor I guess you could say that there's a chance that the publisher won't like this rewrite or you have to break it to your "creators" that you'll be taking things in a new direction and that there no longer going to be writers on your team (I spent a long time with this whole analogy please don't judge me too harshly). But you have to take that chance because in the end there are going to be people in this world who love your story and can see the whole picture and they'll love you. They'll suprise you.

It's how we handle these big scary things that is universal.

We talk things out with anyone even ourselves

We make a plan to be flexible

We remember that we are good people and that in the end everything will be okay

Somehow

Support

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

2009-10-26T18:47:00.005-04:00

I turned sixteen a few days ago. It was at it's best anticlimactic but according to television, movies and books I should rapidly change to the appearance of a 20 year old and be thrown into a variety of complex and adult situations.

I get sick a lot and I watch a lot of degrassi when I am sick.

But moving on to a point and I'm sure I'll find one eventually. I was thinking about growing up as per usual and all the scary things it can involve. For instance public transit....during a pandemic...in the dark. But you have to take public transit so you can get home,get sushi,go to a play. All of which are fun experiences. I was thinking about the past because I thought about the future. I was thinking about what makes us up as people mostly because of this Starbucks boy who had a voice like a 60's sitcom secretary. I wondered if it was because of his feminine voice that he acted so feminine or he had a feminine voice because of his actions. Then he spoke in a typical male voice to my friend by accident and my deep thoughts were shattered. In the end though it all came down to my tiny 16 years of experience. All the change and all the same. So I made a list

SIX THINGS I MISS FROM MY PAST

1. Being able to talk like Anne of green gables. Not the optimism sappy crap but the large vocab descriptive stuff. I think we all lost a lot of our urge to learn things, maybe it's cause we don't want to admit that we are young and still have so much to learn.

2. I miss the children's library because that meant I could go to the adult section and feel amazed and grown up. Now I can't really go anywhere to feel grown up. I'm taller than all the shelves even without heels.

3.I miss the ease of making friends. That disappeared a long time ago. You could see someone with a my little pony you liked and that was it. Instant bond. We can all get so paranoid and cold that we reject others.

4.I miss being able to do childish things without feeling childish or looking around. I sometimes partake in these activities but in the end I am anxious and can't let go.

5. I miss field trips and bus buddies and mandatory trips to the museum.

6. I miss time going slowly. I'm halfway through a semester and thats scary.

SIX THINGS I DO NOT MISS ABOUT MY PAST

1. Not being heard. I just got involved with my local MPP and I feel mature and heard. For the first time I don't have to scream and jump to get attention somehow I have been iniatied to the yes you do get to speak club.

2. The confinements of recess. I want to go behind the trees and dig in the dirt making a series of canals and a clay mine. Deal with it.

3.Science Class. I have an infinite amount of respect for anyone who does anything related to science and math. Except for those who teach it you sadists.

4.Long school days. At this point in my life the idea of getting out of school at 3:30 is terrifying.

5. Bad/ Scary/Violent childrens movies from the 80's on VHS that we had to watch on our special movie days because that is all the teachers owned. Enough said.

6. Being stuck in a classroom all day with the same teacher. I crave movement and since my school is a scattered mess of portables this is very beneficial.

SIX THINGS I WOULD LOVE TO GO AWAY IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. Cafeteria Food. It makes the whole school/ hallway that is left of the school smell like the inside of the deep fryer at KFC.

2. The cliques. There are people at my school who terrify me and they shouldn't but the fact is that all of us have spent years creating reputations (or having them made). Sometimes it feels like we are all stuck in these tiny boxes and until we graduate we'll never get out.

3. Math Class

4.The whole relationship thing. There are so few people who are mature enough for a real relationship and most people end up with + poor body image and -virginity/self respect. It's really sad.

5. The absolute un PC ness of everyone. Honestly I cannot wait until I am surrounded by middle aged yuppie people obsessed with being PC. The rampant homophobia,sexism and racism that is screamed through the average high school hallway is painful.

6. The obsessive need to be older than we are. I can't say if I'm pro underage drinking or a total straight edge. I honestly don't have that much experience.

SIX THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HIGHSCHOOL

ummm... let me think...But really.

1.Making friends because you like the person not just because of convenience. I came from an elementary school with 30 kids in my year. There was a lot of convenience friends. Now me and my friends actually share interests,beliefs all those things that are important.

2.Rotary. Being as completely unable to focus on anything as I am, having to get up and go learn a new subject halfway across a former football field is a god send.

3.Being able to leave during lunch. Last year after socializing me and my friend went harolding almost every day. It was refreshing.

4.Clubs like band and choir which give a nerdy light to my life on slow days. Though this also goes into the wish would go away category because sometimes you get trapped in clubs that you no longer want to be in because you feel they are corrupt but you can't leave cause the director is your teacher and you want to do well.

5.The fact that it is a four year period which rockets you into adulthood. Or so I have been promised.

6.The fact that you get to choose thing that you love and such things result in infinite moments singing Beatles songs in your drama classroom. Moments like this can be scary because you realize that maybe you don't want to grow up as much as you thought you did and maybe you could stand another four years of high school. Then the bell rings and a football player who has never even been taught the abstract concept of showering bumps into you and your deep thoughts are shattered.

But I'm starting to figure out that maybe life doesn't have to be about deep thoughts or trying to get somewhere with something.

I'm sure that we'll all get this concept of balance worked out.

Eventually.

ps a friend of mine has a new blog and she is about six times more eloquent and six times less sheltered then I am. Check it out!

I'm Getting To Love My Freedom

2009-10-17T18:32:00.004-04:00

So this is all about the play. Unfortunately I cannot create a Shakespearian take on this and talk about how all the world's a stage. That would just end up being sad. Instead I start with a definition

au⋅di⋅tion

[aw-dish-uhn] –noun

The process of throwing yourself out there into the judging eyes of the populace. There is no kidding yourself that the people are not judging you as that is the whole goal. Tension is guaranteed and if you do not have at least one screwup you should not mention this perfect audition to others because you will be met with jealousy and hatred. I am talking to you talented drama kid. You know who you are.

Also I hope that the sound bite works. If so I hope you share my belief that whoever that guy is he is the coolest guy ever.

Back to the play. Well I made it in! Two lines but all the perks of being a cast member. Life is good. Auditions get you thinking. They are scary but necessary. A lot like everything really. Scary things are important. Because there is no way that you can grow up without assessment. Because you need to evaluate others and most importantly yourself. We separate the good from the crap. We give things second chances and sometimes we brush things off at the first glance. We hold stuff in. We always let it out somehow eventually. This is the scary part because the world...like an audition is always going to be analyzing not necessarily judging but analyzing. Maybe thats just me. We put on a good front. We learn our lines, play situations out in our heads and finally we write our names on the signup sheet. The lights go up and it's time for the dialog the monologue the dance. We'll never know the directors notes but we know we've been heard.

In the end I call that a success.

Also as you can see from my title I am battling a God Help The Girl obsession. Check them out. Totally Kick Ass.

Sebastian wrote his diary that. He would never be young again

2009-10-08T20:41:00.006-04:00

Recently as my friends have found out that I have a blog (Not that I am telling them the url I like my secret world). They've began to ask questions about what I blog about and if I ever mention them. I started thinking about why I didn't want my real world people to see my blog and I figured out that maybe I was a little scared about being judged and a lot more scared about how they would perceive my online "persona".

Persona's are fun and being able to go online and become the person that you really would like to be. The fact is that the "real world" calls for us to be a lot more jaded or cynical. Often it's fun having a commentary running in your head but I don't think that I or anyone else can ever grow as a person if they don't have some way to step back and see the big picture.

Thats what I answer when people ask about my blog now. I don't want to sound preach or give away crucial googleable details about my blog so I say.

It's all about seeing the big picture. Taking the everyday stuff we don't think about and seeing how it all fits into life.

Breaking out of my super selfish and not at all advice giving or lessony post. I guess what I am trying to say is that sarcasm is fun optimism helps us grow.

Eventually we'll hit that perfect balance...somehow.

What your cheering for the 15 year old mediocre singer? Scream for the 81 year old man!!

2009-10-06T17:13:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I had the chance to go this concert/conference called me to we. Or they called it "We Day" but like the rogers centre(For you non Canadians it's a sports stadium in Toronto that was formerly called the sky dome and I will always call it that). Anyways... it was run by free the children which is a pretty cool organization. I wasn't a huge fan of Justin Beiber or surprise guests the Jonas Brothers but ELI WEISEL WAS THERE
He wrote this book called Night which I consider on of the most influential books I have ever read. I hope to find a picture of me having my fan girl explosion later but I have been too lazy to upload pictures.

So...I guess I need to get to my point.

The day was empowering it was eclectic and electric. It makes you want to do more. I guess that is my point. That you can see everything that is terrible in the world and you can sit and cry (which sometimes you do need to do) or you can sit down and say HOW CAN I CHANGE THIS? Sometimes we like to throw money at a cause and hope that it will go away but really we need to get out there and do something. This day made me not only question myself as an activist but it made me question myself as a person. How often do we see the big issue get scared and do something small?

Big issues call for big solutions sometimes.

I have more stories to tell but I am trying to keep one story to one post so there will probably be multiple posts today.

The Adventures Of Melodrama Girl

2009-09-25T18:08:00.005-04:00

So this week I learned a lot of things...Again I learned that sometimes we overestimate the difficulty of things aka
I AM PASSING MATH!!!!
Beyond that I learned some other big stuff. Classic stuff like all storms do pass and etc etc. Really I think my last post's slight optimism inspired real life.. or maybe not.
I've been thinking a lot about high school and how it's going to be over in 1 year and 11 months. Yes I will admit to having some yearbook sentimentality I can't always be a robot.
I've realized something about making you mark though. That in the end going for the high C on the first day of choir or trying out for the school play just might be worth it. Maybe you'll fail maybe you'll totally blow your own mind and forever claim it was the biggest achievement of your young life (COME ON! It was a HIIIGGGHHH C). But at the end of the day you get to say
I Was There
Remember When?
Something happened between grades 9 and 10 to me. I lost a lot of confidence and combined with recovery in order to be normal I really didn't have any time to be normal.
So I'm older I have seniority in my school and I think I'm going to take some chances. Maybe they'll work out maybe not but in the end I'm always learning. Tryout for the play are in two days and I'll hopefully have a series of funny anecdotes and defintions on the audition process.
Last but not least I made a tumblr cause it's what all the cool artsy kids are doing and they are pretty. It may fall flat on it's face but trying never hurt anyone. (Look how I take my life lessons and apply them to wonderful trivial internet things)

2009-09-25T18:07:00.001-04:00

My dream was realised but I was sleeping

2009-09-20T15:51:00.007-04:00

This week I learned that sometimes you have bad weeks.

Really bad weeks and sometimes those weeks are so bad that you decided to throw away your life ambition and become a asexual hermit whose has cats and maybe a coffee machine.

I really haven't given this week much thought in terms of lessons for my sister but due to my nonexistent readership I thought I would try and make something out of this week so I feel better when I check my statcounter page.
This week I learned that people lie

a lot. People lie so much that your never going to catch all of it and every once is a while you are going to be so fooled that your left feeling like a four year old.

I now accept this I've got a (hopefully) long life ahead of me and I'm going to be left feeling hopelessly stupid many more times. This brings me to number two on the list of things I learned this week.

IT IS OKAY TO CRY

Many people would wonder why I would bold and CAPS LOCK this it seems so obvious but sometimes the things are hidden in plain sight.

Emotions suck at times because feeling hurt...hurts feeling mad can feel ugly and out of control and feeling happy can just feel so lame in an overly cynical world.

At the end of the day though sometimes you need to put on the fluffy sweater turn on the TV grab your overly large dog and do some serious big baby style sobbing. Then you can ingest the chemical weight of a small factory in strawberry marshmallows.

Things seem better. Then you have crazy dreams about elevators and stuff.

But it's a fair tradeoff.

Finally I learned that were always going to make mistakes with our friends. Sometimes they are going to be really really really big mistakes and we just have to wait it out. Because you can't make anyone forgive you. Sometimes you really mess up and your going to have to wait for that person to comes to terms with it.

I didn't think that the first nine days of school would be this hard/educational/amazing

In the meantime I'll watch Glee while pretending to be Rachel Berry and manufacturing a lovechild wardrobe of Emma Pillsbury and Kurt Hummel. TV addictions are a sad thing never fall into them.

The Reminder

2009-09-11T18:45:00.006-04:00

I made it through the first week!

Being a junior is different. It's amazing how much we all seemed to grow up over the summer. Though I hardly look like a junior I clutch my grade 11 textbooks to my chest like a banner that says DO NOT "INITIATE" ME!

So what has the first week taught me?

It's taught me about expectations. Whether it's that new TV show or my scary math class or seeing that person in the hallways again we always have expectations. They are fun,disappointing,paranoid,imaginary and real. Expectations are important not only do that make life worth living by giving us a reason to wake up in the morning.

They are our own personal kick in the butt to wake up to reality.

When our expectations are proved to be false (these often fall under the paranoid "everyone is going to hate me because... category) we realize something huge about mindreading and living in the present. This week I've had more self built conceptions about absolutely stupid things knocked down than ever. I don't know if this trend will continue. I think it might slow down because I'm realizing the futility of these walls of thought I have built.

Hopefully I'll be doing at least bi-weekly posts as the year goes on though the first week has been so crazy. I'm back on the jobhunt so that should be educational at least...right?

To finish it all off I've been crazyily interested in this idea. It's only since I've started reading about it that I've started to look at my group of friends and how they influence me physically and mentally. Maybe I'll do a rip-off or "personal opinion" post on these studies later this week.

This is It

2009-09-07T18:58:00.008-04:00

I started writing this blog near the end of my grade 10 year. Wow that seems so long ago already. Summer has a way of aging people... or at least making time stretch out into infinity.

I've had a lot of trouble writing this post. I feel like I have a responsibility to my few but wonderful readers to finish up my summer reflecting and being profound all packed into one superamazing end of summer post. Maybe I just put too much pressure on myself.

I wrote a list of goals for my summer and I was happy with it. In fact up until I started writing..I had every intention of copying and pasting that list into a new post and simply checking off what I had accomplished.

But then I realized.

Life doesn't have a report card.

Life is not about lists that we hold onto and then look back on with regret missing the good stuff. In the end life and accomplishments are measured by "Done" lists not "To Do" lists.

What is on these lists doesn't matter because with a little bit of effort you can find growth and beauty and something worthwhile in it all.

This is the most important lesson of the summer.

So without further ado

MY DONE LIST

Learned how to see and capture beauty with a film camera.

Sometimes updated my blog.

Wrote poetry and short stores.

Bought and wore beautiful clothing found a way to love my swimsuited body

Learned to rollerblade

Rollerbladed and Yoga'd regulary.

Experimented with new foods.

Saw friends

Said goodbye

Grew Up

Was brave

Accepted change and created some of my own

Worked on precious few guitar skills.

Even further expanded my musical spectrum.

Discovered.

This summer was was hard at times easy at others.

Always unpredictable, Always routine,Always new, Always old, Always sad, Always happy,Always hello's, Always goodbye's.

Always Learning.

This

2009-09-01T21:49:00.001-04:00

Two posts in one day but this is totally worth it. The most used words are the biggest and I think that it represents the blog pretty well. Also it's just SO COOL!

Wordle people check it out!

FANCHILD ALERT

2009-08-31T16:19:00.005-04:00

This is partly fanchild and part new lesson today. I'll start with the lesson cause it has a nice segue into my deep passionate totally mentally based yet platonic love for david levithan.

So I helped run orientation day today for the grade nines. It was my job to promote band and choir and the arts to the new members of my community.

What started off as a cheery "Get involved with your school's arts program sign up for band or choir today!"

Took an hour of not being listened to,mocked and ignored to change to

"Band and Choir"

and a few more hours to change to...

"Confident in your heterosexuality boys? Stick it to the jocks and join band or choir"

Needless to say we only had 10 signups total.

But it got me thinking about my orientation day. How different I was. Cause high school whether you have a good time or not is important. Even in a school as small as mine it's not very hard to reinvent yourself. Whats cool about orientation day is that these kids are picking their new lives and actually becoming young adults. The teams and clubs and classes that they chose are going to bombard them with new people and experiences. High school changes people.

AND SEGUE!

What's my connection? Well what I love most about David Levithan is the fact that he provides such an amazing array of characters gay straight etc etc and it's no big deal

Cause that's the way life works right? Or at least if you live in a moderately tolerant community gay and straight and whatever aren't huge. What I hate about LGBT teen literature is that a lot of it is one giant stereotype spread over the course of a novel. So not only is David Levithan a great writer who makes people feel all happy and stuff but he writes real characters who aren't defined by their straight or gayness. David Levithan takes the whole high school world and growing up and what it does to you and keeps it real.
That's something I learned this summer. That keeping it real is the best and most important thing you can do. We so often decide what everyone else is going to do what they are thinking and people surprise us.It's really beautiful.
So what this long and jumbled fangirl post comes down to is these three things
1.David Levithan Rocks
2.Keeping it real is great it lets us move forward and grow
3. By keeping it real we have to assume others are keeping it real and stop writing scripts for everyone then people surprise us and it's amazing.
One week left getting a new roll of film developed. I think I'm ready for this to be over.

memories like mohair sweaters stressed and pilled with distressed letters

2009-08-23T15:54:00.002-04:00

Welcome to my school. Check out that amazing polyvore-ish display of uniformed perfection.Actually I don't mind my uniform I get to wear a skirt (an unflattering polyester one but beggars can't be choosers right?)

I am a catholic school girl and a choir girl and a band geek and..... Well a bit of an outsider in terms of representing my school's values at times.

I have a lot of issues with my church the whole anti gay,abortion and really in terms of roman catholic ideals women. Right now I'm kind of lacking religion. But I'm not lacking belief.

If I could pick one thing that I think defines humans from everything else it would be belief.

Because whether you are religious or agnostic or an atheist you believe in something even if that something is a belief in nothing.

Life is nothing without passion right?

Our beliefs create passion. Last year after Obama was elected there was a huge debate in my school with our official pro life club "Silent No More" who wore black tshirts and handed out red strings in mourning for the thousands of murdered unborn babies.

I handed out special pro choice strings and debated in the hallways.

It was a pretty big deal.

It's strange going to mass and singing about God when I have such an issue with the catholic church. But I love singing the Pergolisi Suite every Good Friday and this amazing feeling that absolutely consumes my soul when i sing or listen to people who are better than me. So I take a more secular approach to my enjoyment of the pieces. (By the way Pergolisi lived a pretty crazy cool life check him out)

I know a lot of people my age who are getting into Buddhism and that's cool. I like the idea of figuring out how you fit in the universe and how you have to do that by realizing how tiny yet important we all are. I'm also a fan of their lack of a GOD WHO WILL SAVE ALL YOU TERRIBLE PEOPLE!

But in the end belief is belief and it gives us something to hold onto a reassurance of something constant.

So what do I believe in? I believe that all humankind is strong and resourceful and beautiful and good. That in the end everything will be okay as long as we take hold of that goodness and put it to work.

Summer is ending I go back on the eighth and if anything I want to bottle up how I feel right now and be able to call upon it .

Also if you can't tell from my title I'm on an Andrew Bird kick.

I am ANGRY!

2009-08-22T20:01:00.002-04:00

I'm opinionated,passionate and pigheaded. These are often seen as disadvantages to my personality and sometimes they are. But today I am in full fledged rant mode.
I am woman,hear me roar cyberspace.
So there is this woman MamaV who is a big believer in self esteem crushing the pro ana movement etc etc. All very good things. She struggled with "disordered eating" and wants to speak out. Also really good.
But she takes on this role as a superhuman taking the anorexics and sad housewives saving them.
I have a few issues with MamaV

1. She has never admitted to a full fledged ED. Check out her blog read her story tell me what you think. I see a woman in serious denial.
2.She has a moderate holier than thou attitude also a major turn off.
3. Jellygate

What is jelly-gate? In a nutshell a woman posted on one of the posts on MamaV's latest venture "We are the real deal" that there was nothing representing the broad demographic that the website so ferociously pushes.
So this is where all my suspicions came to the forefront .
MamaV attacks! She is quick and cruel signing off with "Barbie The Goddess You Will Never Be"

So now I start to really wonder can this woman give advice? We are all flawed we all lash out but to attack someone for pointing out the oh to obvious makes me think that she needs to work through some issues before she puts herself out there online. Blogs are public and if you get noticed get ready for something big to happen.
People want to be represented. This idea that WATRD so advocated that fat thin and average and gay and straight and white and black and every other colour of skin and nationality well
We have some body issues.
So maybe the panel of people need to be revaluated, or the issues they speak on need to be rethought cause MamaV was/is a lifeline to many.
Since jellygate and jelly-apologygate new women have come onto the panel which I'm happy about.
But I don't think I'll be checking out WATRD for a while. They is a lot of bad air circulating through that little corner of cyberspace and I feel a little hurt and kind of lost. I've always been a rare breed in the ED recovery community...but more on that later.
Readers...if you are out there check out the links and tell me what you think! I've spent a few days on this post editing for excessive bitchyness. Hope it's coherent.

p.s on a happier note here is a link to my most favoritest webcomic of all time.

2009-08-13T21:30:00.003-04:00

I'm a terrible blogger! I thought I could commit but life takes over (please do not assume I have a social life instead I've had a lot of family time vacations etc etc.) But here's what I have learned during my hiatus.

Love,Like,Relationships are never ever easy.

DUH! Well of course I knew this but did I ever realize how hard it would be? Like even getting to square one date wise?

In my first post I asked what a date was,though my bio sis has had a relationship or two (against the family rules by the way). She has yet to be on a date.

NOTE: I believe in dating the "old fashioned way" dates first then you are that persons boyfriend girlfriend etc etc.

Well though the date never happened I learned what one consisted of.

A LESSONS FOR MY SISTER DEFINITION

Date [dey-te] noun,verb ,dat-ed,date-ing. A meeting of two persons of a romantically social manner in which the dater pays for the date-ee. Examples of a date often include entertainment and food. Food is always good cause it stops you from talking too much. Movie talkers should undergo extensive rehabilitation before going on dates. Dates are very fragile,mothers are especially fragile about first dates.

There we have it our first definition!

Back to my big realization that relationships are hard. What really makes them hard is other people though. But enough on that I'm starting to sound angsty.

Another thing I learned... yes I did learn a lot how could you not look at this landscape and think?

A huge part of my blog is about growing up. This is the 2nd largest stage of my brain development (The first was around ages 2-6). As I get older mentally and physically it's hard for me to deal with at times. For example growing two bra sizes in the same number of months. I have a precious collection of gray tshirts all gone because I have really really weird genes.
Something I had to learn the hard and long way with the help of my friends family therapist and the voice of amazingness in cyberspace HAIL MARY. Was that my body will change. I have to accept that slowly and learn to at least like it.
It's even stranger because as I learn to deal with my rapidly evolving body my parents have to deal with my rapidly changing mind.
It took me a very very long time to admit to anyone I wanted to go on dates or have crushes or be in relationships. I'm stupidly cynical really. So now that I want these things and am rushing to the starting gate I have to realize....
NOBODY ELSE IS THERE! Continuing with the racetrack metaphor they aren't even at the track. So I need to take a step back.
We all want the world to agree with us to see things our way at our times. So my sisters I ask you to join with me in remembering to give our parents a break.
If there is anything that i have learned in the past few weeks love/like/lust is difficult and throwing in angry confused parents makes it even harder.

Wow...
Glad I got all that off my chest.

Anyways... I am asking the readers (the few that there are whom I love. please don't be creeped out). To put up with me while I try a few new things with this blog. I'm going to try putting some more varied posts about the things that are important to me and I hope you'll comment on them. Of the very very few things I know for sure (no clue how Oprah writes one every month.) I know that finding your passions and putting them out there are VERY important to growing up. I have a few things on the burner such as
JELLY-GATE and my opinions of the self esteem saver mamaVISION
God,Abortions,Buddhism,GSA's and being a choir girl in a catholic school.
and my love affair with David Levithan and his amazing novellas.

Did you make it through the whole post?

PS I am now a Twit!

2009-07-13T21:43:00.002-04:00

Today I learned about language. It's amazing how the vibrations of our vocal cords contain so much. But what is a voice without an ear?

So many times we all seem to forget to listen. Not just hear but listen. Sometimes it's harder to listen then it is to talk. It's finding that balance that is so tough. As I mentioned in my first ever post being a teenager is almost impossible at times. Humans by our very nature are self centered,not just teenagers and striking the balance between talking and listening is what keeps our sanity and friendships.

In my first post I also talked alot about how rapidly growing up changes. What amazes me is that with every option we have to talk to people we feel like our voices are'nt heard. I am not saying that this is the only generation that has felt silenced for every generation has. Maybe it's because with every chance we are given to show ourselves to the world we are given one more place to spread a persona.

Maybe none of these million outlets ask for a real person.

Status updates should be proclaimations of our amazing lives or Jerry Seinfeld esque witty observations. Perhaps the reason that we have'nt seen a rush to the comedy clubs that was seen is in the 80's is because every wannabe comedian has simply taken to their twitter account.

Maybe this is a blessing. Two painful hours in a comedy club reduced to 140 characters. But if we don't take advantage of these oppertuinties to make our voices heard then what vare we going to miss out on?

Once again it all comes down to a balancing act of talking and listening and being confident in being heard. Because once you learn balance it's as easy as breathing the hardest part is to move on.

Dreaming of the time when you are free from all the trouble you're in

2009-07-01T15:06:00.002-04:00

Sorry for not updating in what feels like so long! So I combined one draft and one new lesson into a borderline sermon on discovery in the summertime.

Today I learned about "accomplishments" and how often we forget what they really are.

Summer "time" kicked in and I was shocked to find out that today was a Wednesday. That kind of scares me I don't want summer to slip by ala Arthur's "The Short Quick Summer"

But despite my qualms I am learning the joys of laziness. I've found a way to kill my internal clock and now can easily wake up at 10:00. This is important. So much of the time it feels like we are all under the gun. I'm all for one living life to the fullest like every day was my last etc etc.

I'm figuring out that summer doesn't have to be defined by how many people I hang out with or parties or events or anything like that. I can be a total recluse for days and then just go play tennis at the local courts and buy Dora the explorer Popsicles. That writing summer to do lists can be motivating and fun but often all a day needs is a new playlist,a good library book and shade in your favorite hammock. And that wraps up early summer lesson one.

Today I learned about friendships...and irony.

Today taught me that sometimes even when we are so convinced that were going to have one friend forever. Perhaps even remarking on this the morning before you see the other person,but maybe while sitting by the lake you realize.

"I'm outgrowing you"

And you don't want this,nobody wants it. But I think you really truly actually grow up the day you say "I don't care about growing up". I've never been one to judge and whatever illegal activities my teenage friends will involve themselves in I'm okay with that. But it's this absolute race to finish line of adulthood that scares me.

My friends call me a 40 year old. I like "strange music" Which by the way check out check Ohbijou and Regina Spektor they both have newish albums out and they are amazing!

But I think my most defining 40 year old quality is the fact that I am content where I am. I'm not searching for anything better I just want to try and learn as much as I can prepare yet live in the moment and live a great life full of contradictions and confusion and new experiences.

So I grow up, I grow down but in the end we all outgrow. The nice thing about the past though is that we never have to kill the memories. I will laugh at my grade 7 "I'm so dark and twisted lets wear lots of eyeliner and take it off before I go home"stage. I'll cry at the sad memories we shared I'll laugh at our moments of silliness. But in the end things aren't the same. I'm not the same and she is. We'll move on in our lives and we can thank each other for helping each other make it this far.

Summer makes me reflective it makes me melancholy at times but I am always learning.

2009-06-22T20:48:00.002-04:00

Well I got sicker blaaahhhh. Then reality kicked in and I realized that had to pass science and math. But here I am! Summertime awaits full of possible lessons for me and my sisters.
Today I learned about possibility. Today I learned that it is the most fickle thing in the world and that sometimes when everything is new and possible and there are two months of freedom awaiting you.
Everything can seem a little dark cause one tiny door is slowly closing. But here's the kicker.
that doesn't mean the end of the world.
Do we get to be worried? Sad? Confused? Of course! But the fact is that chances are always going to be out there and maybe I'm being to hard on myself maybe the chance still is there. But it's the eternal fight for optimism that keeps life interesting.