It's the end of a decade. Ten years ago I was six years old. My little sister had been born in march of 99 and other than that memories are few and far between. There had been a big snowstorm that year and for some reason the snowplows had deposited all our streets snow in the little ditch that is between the sidewalk and the road. My father and mother were laughing at the Y2K scares and we went over to a family friends house to celebrate. Now it's a decade later. There has been no snow and because of my excessive procrastination new years eve will be spent watching musicals and doing homework. When I think about how many changes the past year brought I am astounded. Everything from my personal style to basic aspects of my personality have changed. Starting this blog was a big change for me. I think it was at that point that I really attacked my one resolution of 2009: to be more positive. If a person can change so much in one year what is going to happen in a decade? I can't believe that the next time I think about a decade passing that I'll be 26 and that just terrifies me. At this point I am looking for small comforts and I think I am finding some.

1. I am much happier with the person I am now than the person I was at this time last year. For the first time in who knows how long I feel like I am being honest with others and with myself. I don't know if all that is a by product of recovery or just growing up but I like it.

2. Basically I have a year and a half left of high school (No more explanations needed)

3. Despite the excesses of celebrity influence, global warming,2012, the "kill the gays" bill and all the scary things going on the 21st century is a pretty cool place. I'm not saying that it's perfect but slowly we are finding ways to be better activists and better people. The fact is that lets say 50 years ago my thoughts would be considered way less important than they are now + the factors of racism,homophobia and even more sexism were trying to stop people's voices from being heard. Now none of these things are gone but (especially here in Canada) they are a lot better.

So end of an era, end of a decade. What are we going to be remembered as? 9/11,Iraq,Oil,Our lack of action considering Darfur? I hope not. I hope that by the time the history books are talking about the past decade they will say "Well they kind of screwed up a lot but they did some good things too and in 2010 it was all fixed." I know that will probably not be the case but I hope with the waves of change that have slowly started in the first decade of the 21st century will really pick up and do something more. I hope that people can learn to be a little more open minded and learn to love each other in spite of and because of our differences.

I'm kind of sappy and overly gushy today so I'm sorry if this post sucks but I's hope to think that there are a few good lines in here because I want to end 2009 on a good note because in a year of ups and downs both historically and personally what are you going to do on the last day? You can't look back and focus on the bad or the mediocre. You have to find one day where you felt infinite and hope that by this time next year that you can find at least two.

Alright here we go new years resolutions. I know that I like to stress that life is about done lists not to do lists but I think that we all need to set goals because that's what gives us the motivation to have our done lists. So without further ado....my new years resolutions

1. Become more open to physical contact. I can properly hug about two people in the whole world. My middle sister and my mum. Everyone else is an awkward mess. This was particularly highlighted at a party when an (admittedly drunk) person told me that I looked too stiff and they would hug me till I was not. Now could this of been avoided if I was a better hugger? Of course.

2. Follow up on plans. I want to write that TV pitch/pilot. Create my one in eight hundred feature for my school. Make documentaries and do more baking

3. Be a bit healthier. I want to do a little more upper body strength training so I have plans to join a rock climbing gym. Now to see if the one I faintly remember from grade two still exists.

4. Host a single party. I have dreams of being an excellent hostess but it kind of terrifies me. If I can hold one small party by December 31st 2010 I will be very proud of myself.

5. Become more of a performer. I don't expect to become my sister but I do want to be able to sing a solo or do a monologue without puking/fainting/going into a catatonic state for two hours after.

6. Visit universities. I need to look into some more local universities though Kings is my dream school I need to open up my options

7. Write even more

8. Buy more pencil skirts and bright colours and accessories (I have really just discovered jewelry and handbags )

9. Be a bit less of a control freak. I'm not asking that I destroy the basis of my whole personality but everything would probably go a lot smoother if I let a few more things go.

10. Be a better friend. I swear sometimes I feel like someone should just put a big WORST FRIEND EVER tattoo on my forehead to protect the world from my bad friend-ness

11. Be a better (more consistent blogger) if I actually want to make an attempt at influencing people I need to keep quality and quantity up. This blog was created in the spirit of helping my "sisters" but really it's the one that's teaching me. I've learned so much from this experience so far and if I don't make a resolution to keep me blogging I think I could forget.

12. Finally I want to keep seeing the beauty and the lessons in things. Like blogging I need this to be tattooed to my hand or something cause it's so easy to forget. So I resolve to remember that

There are lessons and beauty in every moment of sadness and joy and anger and confusion.

So is it twenty ten or two thousand ten?

Well as I work on my rough draft of my new years resolutions (I take these things very seriously) I'm trying to remember a) what last years resolutions even were, and b) what has happened this past decade cause it's kind of all a blur. Were crocs in '06 or '07? Which came first the spider hole or the flag pins? So as I try desperately to figure out where 10 years of my life went I'll let all your guys catch up with the new york times visual chart recap of the past decade.

Tidings Of Comfort and Joy

Well Christmas was two days ago (or whenever I actually get around to finishing this post). Gift wise I am extremely happy as I hope that the new camcorder will rocket me to journalistic/documentarian stardom. Spiritually it was unspiritual though I was really happy with how the choir preformed. I was kind of at a loss on how I could reflect on my holidays until last night. I went to a party being held by my vocal teacher and the rooms was filled with friends and family former and current students. One of her students had moved to France to study music met and opera singer got married and had a beautiful child (I just thought it was too romantic of a back story to leave out). Anyways her and her husband sang o holy night in french and as I was sitting their filming it and thinking " I cannot believe how lucky I am to be hearing this" I realized that this is my holiday lesson. We all can so often find ourselves obsessed with perfection especially during the holidays we don't want to gain weight and find the perfect present and bring the perfect potluck dish along with our perfectly wrapped present while wearing our perfect outfit which we are convinced will ultimately make everyone happy and create the perfect Christmas. But that's never going to happen. So we make a nice potluck dish,lose the scale, do our best to find a good present and present it with love while wearing a pretty nice outfit. Then we take a breathe and listen to the music

Shit, you guys, I have never had straight friends before!

Well I haven't felt affected by many of the celebrity deaths lately Brittany Murphy's really gets to me for some reason. I guess the lesson here is that people die young,famous people,"nobodies" on the popularity scale,people who are loved and people who feel unloved. And it sucks. But I guess all we can do is keep living.

Here's to You...

Well it's been just over 24 hours since it happened and I am convinced that I've stop crying at the mention of it. Nothing terrible happened (thank god) but I don't think I've been this affected by any piece of acting this much ever. See we are doing historical monologues in drama class and Andrew Chown has proved to me that he is going to go places. He wrote a monolouge set during the final moments of Tony Chambers who was a mentally disabled man who was executed due to charges related to the rape and murder of an 11 year old girl. However the circumstances surrounding these charges have been deemed unethical by some.

It's not just that it was a brilliant preformance it that after I stopped crying I realized

This is what it's all about

I know I say that a lot but I've started to realize that there is not a single "meaning of life" but instead there is a lot of things crammed together and if we can figure at least one of them out then we're doing a pretty good job.

See passion is important and I believe that everyone has a talent so I guess it works out that our talents can become our passion.

Everyone has the chance to affect people for the better. To laugh,to cry to learn we might not know whats going on but we can be sure we are being affected. I can't say I am sure what my talent is. I like reading and writing and offering my uneducated therapist copying gut feeling psych help. But I know that if I can see the talent and beauty of a total stranger then there's got to be something for me too.

So I hope that the world see's Andrew Chown. I hope that we can all learn to see our talents and take action. The world can be such a terrifying and rejecting place but maybe if a few people change the way they think and a few more people take a chance and throw themselves out there then maybe the world will become a better place.

Here's to you world. Hope to hear better things from you soon.

Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer" I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer

So that last post was very short but it makes me feel like a more dedicated blogger and I also think that a lesson like that deserves to be short and in it's own category. So the formal was a few nights ago and I can't say I learned much from it. I learned that the cheapest limo company that you got at the last second might possibly have mob connections. Either that or you had nothing to do in the cheap and cold limo ride. I also proved that classy and comfortable always beat out skanky and uncomfortable. But I think the most important thing I learned was that sometimes going out on a limb and not being sure of something's outcome and even though you have low expectation you end up having (at least a little) fun.

I also realized that you could be in a box car or something in the middle of winter with not much else and as long as you had great people with you then it won't be so bad.

It may sound cheesy but it's at times like this that I realize how lucky I am to know the people that I do. Continuing on this cheese fest I need to say that it's at times like this that we need to take a step back and examine our social lives. Not with the critical eye that we (or at least I) usually do but to try and see the light in everyone or at least something that makes you re-remember why you even talk to this person. Like I've said a million times (and especially since starting grade eleven/the holidays) life is stressful but it's better when you around people who love you and even better when you take time to recognize this.
So call your friends rent a good movie (May I suggest Funny Girl?) or at least listen to this and that. Smile , wait for Christmas (or enjoy currently celebrating Hanukkah) and surround yourself with people who love you and don't forget to tell (or at least remember) why you do.

Okay so they would'nt play Sing Sing Sing So Some Rhianna Song Will Do

Sometimes You Just Have To Dance

Is your heartbeat racing Is this your soul you're facing?

Today I learned that sometimes things get crazy. What is it about the holidays that send people into a panic? I really thought it could be all ugly sweaters
and you know peace love joy and good will to all. But sometimes it's not sometimes it's crazy Christmas concerts and a million projects due and like 20 billion (okay three) monologues and all you want to do is be super melodramatic and maybe punch someone's lights out.
But I guess that this is the real world and we all need to learn how to deal. These are things we all have to do. We all have to remember to breathe and all that stuff. See I;m starting to realize that life is always going to have a million things to do and we aren't ever going to have time to get it all done. Now this may sound really really really sad and that what I thought at first but then I realized that maybe it's not. That maybe it's this crazy rush to get all the cool/important stuff in that helps us prioritize.

Also in my stress I learned the importance of a kind word , a quick acknowledgement the simple stuff we don't think about. See I analyze people all the time, though most of the time I only point these out if I find them "witty" which can be rational self code for "mean but funny". It's only when we are at the receiving end of a comforting sentence. A cheerful "Are you okay?" That we realize how nice it is to feel cared for. So that's my new mission. Quick and thoughtful inquires.

It's ISU and culminating time. I think we could use all use some.