So the universe seems to be against my blogging.

So yesterday I learned that when falling off a horse one must always try to avoid falling on their shoulder.

Cause you break your collarbone.

And that is the end of that. 

This means that posting is going to be a bit infrequent because I can type with only one hand and that is incredibly infuriating.

Yesterday I also learned about people and bonding. It's funny because the thing about getting to know people is that you are rarely conscious of it.  Because maybe you are the kind of person who is always seen in the background of the cast photos, always reading a book but always listening. It sometimes takes months for you to realize that you have somehow gotten to know these people. A quick chat backstage, a friendly greeting sometime during the week. You all are sharing a common experience,giving birth to something bigger than yourselves.
I learned that it's easy to ignore this. That it's easy to decide that you are a separate piece because that frees you from the responsibility.
I'm not saying that through these experiences you are making these people your new best friends but I am saying that we all need to take a moment and see how much we have changed. See what we have let into our lives.
And be grateful.
And care.

We're so helpless, we're slaves to our own forces.

Last night I preformed at my school's coffeehouse. I also helped to run it but that seemed secondary to the iron fist of nerves which was holding my stomach in a death grip. But you know what? I was ready and like all things I learned something.

Fear is something that we let define us, at least partially. Our fears (my fears) help to define us.

A fear of preforming, a fear of germs all of these things stop us from living our lives.

We might not even realize that we want to do these things but there comes a night when we are sleep deprived and anxious and make an angst ridden conclusion such as....oh I don't know

"I hate my life and everything about it and I'm so boring so let's do something totally out of character"

But you know what?

Despite all my freaking out it was okay.

I don't feel any different and maybe that's not the point of it all.

A Modern Family episode talked about how maybe we can only change ourselves about 15% and that makes sense to me. But even if we can only change 15% there is so much out there that we can experiment with. So out of 100 attempts at change we get 15 right and 85 other learning experiences.

Sounds pretty good to me.

Colour My Life With The Chaos Of Trouble

Happy American Thanksgiving to my south of the border readers!

This post is kind of perfectly placed seeing as it's around a food based holiday and seeing as I was JUST DISCHARGED FROM THE EATING DISORDER CLINIC!

So naturally this post is going to be about body image. Cause it's a huge thing for (here's the shocker for some) EVERYONE! Female,male,gay,straight,all races all religions. Our own self image particularly the physical one is something that follows us around. Over the past two years that I've been with the clinic (Yet another reason I am so happy with Canadian healthcare system seriously I don't know what we would of done if the program cost money) I've learned a lot about body image. In todays crazy world with models having photoshopped heads bigger than their hips not only is it hard enough to have a good body image but in fact there's almost this pressure to have a poor one. Few people want to have the tagline of "they think their the shit" but I don't think it's wrong to look in a mirror and say "Damn I look good today" I hope my readers don't have a problem with doing this because the greatest thing ever is that you can change the whole tone of that often so critical once over that groups of people do when they look in the mirror.

There is two loud voices in the world when it comes to body image there is the WOMEN WITH CURVES ARE SEXY AND ANYONE ELSE IS NOT A REAL WOMAN and then there is Karl Lagerfeld. I can't say I agree with either of these voices. Thats why I love this there are women of colour,women of all ages and weights, body types and abilities. And they look strong and attractive. I've learned that making your voice heard is important and whether you follow popular or unpopular viewpoint as long as you are not spreading hate well your doing the right thing. I've learned it's easier to love others when you love yourself and the tiniest positive change you make sends signals out to the world that loving yourself and being comfortable in your own skin is a good thing and though it can be the hardest thing you've done at first it get's easier.

In other news I will be attending the Christmas formal. Now to look for something to wear....

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

I turned sixteen a few days ago. It was at it's best anticlimactic but according to television, movies and books I should rapidly change to the appearance of a 20 year old and be thrown into a variety of complex and adult situations.

I get sick a lot and I watch a lot of degrassi when I am sick.

But moving on to a point and I'm sure I'll find one eventually. I was thinking about growing up as per usual and all the scary things it can involve. For instance public transit....during a pandemic...in the dark. But you have to take public transit so you can get home,get sushi,go to a play. All of which are fun experiences. I was thinking about the past because I thought about the future. I was thinking about what makes us up as people mostly because of this Starbucks boy who had a voice like a 60's sitcom secretary. I wondered if it was because of his feminine voice that he acted so feminine or he had a feminine voice because of his actions. Then he spoke in a typical male voice to my friend by accident and my deep thoughts were shattered. In the end though it all came down to my tiny 16 years of experience. All the change and all the same. So I made a list

SIX THINGS I MISS FROM MY PAST

1. Being able to talk like Anne of green gables. Not the optimism sappy crap but the large vocab descriptive stuff. I think we all lost a lot of our urge to learn things, maybe it's cause we don't want to admit that we are young and still have so much to learn.

2. I miss the children's library because that meant I could go to the adult section and feel amazed and grown up. Now I can't really go anywhere to feel grown up. I'm taller than all the shelves even without heels.

3.I miss the ease of making friends. That disappeared a long time ago. You could see someone with a my little pony you liked and that was it. Instant bond. We can all get so paranoid and cold that we reject others.

4.I miss being able to do childish things without feeling childish or looking around. I sometimes partake in these activities but in the end I am anxious and can't let go.

5. I miss field trips and bus buddies and mandatory trips to the museum.

6. I miss time going slowly. I'm halfway through a semester and thats scary.

SIX THINGS I DO NOT MISS ABOUT MY PAST

1. Not being heard. I just got involved with my local MPP and I feel mature and heard. For the first time I don't have to scream and jump to get attention somehow I have been iniatied to the yes you do get to speak club.

2. The confinements of recess. I want to go behind the trees and dig in the dirt making a series of canals and a clay mine. Deal with it.

3.Science Class. I have an infinite amount of respect for anyone who does anything related to science and math. Except for those who teach it you sadists.

4.Long school days. At this point in my life the idea of getting out of school at 3:30 is terrifying.

5. Bad/ Scary/Violent childrens movies from the 80's on VHS that we had to watch on our special movie days because that is all the teachers owned. Enough said.

6. Being stuck in a classroom all day with the same teacher. I crave movement and since my school is a scattered mess of portables this is very beneficial.

SIX THINGS I WOULD LOVE TO GO AWAY IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. Cafeteria Food. It makes the whole school/ hallway that is left of the school smell like the inside of the deep fryer at KFC.

2. The cliques. There are people at my school who terrify me and they shouldn't but the fact is that all of us have spent years creating reputations (or having them made). Sometimes it feels like we are all stuck in these tiny boxes and until we graduate we'll never get out.

3. Math Class

4.The whole relationship thing. There are so few people who are mature enough for a real relationship and most people end up with + poor body image and -virginity/self respect. It's really sad.

5. The absolute un PC ness of everyone. Honestly I cannot wait until I am surrounded by middle aged yuppie people obsessed with being PC. The rampant homophobia,sexism and racism that is screamed through the average high school hallway is painful.

6. The obsessive need to be older than we are. I can't say if I'm pro underage drinking or a total straight edge. I honestly don't have that much experience.

SIX THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HIGHSCHOOL

ummm... let me think...But really.

1.Making friends because you like the person not just because of convenience. I came from an elementary school with 30 kids in my year. There was a lot of convenience friends. Now me and my friends actually share interests,beliefs all those things that are important.

2.Rotary. Being as completely unable to focus on anything as I am, having to get up and go learn a new subject halfway across a former football field is a god send.

3.Being able to leave during lunch. Last year after socializing me and my friend went harolding almost every day. It was refreshing.

4.Clubs like band and choir which give a nerdy light to my life on slow days. Though this also goes into the wish would go away category because sometimes you get trapped in clubs that you no longer want to be in because you feel they are corrupt but you can't leave cause the director is your teacher and you want to do well.

5.The fact that it is a four year period which rockets you into adulthood. Or so I have been promised.

6.The fact that you get to choose thing that you love and such things result in infinite moments singing Beatles songs in your drama classroom. Moments like this can be scary because you realize that maybe you don't want to grow up as much as you thought you did and maybe you could stand another four years of high school. Then the bell rings and a football player who has never even been taught the abstract concept of showering bumps into you and your deep thoughts are shattered.

But I'm starting to figure out that maybe life doesn't have to be about deep thoughts or trying to get somewhere with something.

I'm sure that we'll all get this concept of balance worked out.

Eventually.

ps a friend of mine has a new blog and she is about six times more eloquent and six times less sheltered then I am. Check it out!