it's like totally the latest thing though I didn't expect you to have it

Well for a few short weeks there I had formspring. 

In case you are unaware formspring.me is this website where people ask you anonymous questions.

Yes it sounds stupid but humans want to know what other people think of them.

Especially teenagers - we know that we are our own worst critics but we want confirmation of that. We want the good the bad and the ugly. 

From this I've learned that I put a good face forward. I don't cause drama and I think people like me for that. And their comments reflect that like or at least moderate amount of respect.

I've learned once again that I don't want to be the kind of girl who is definable. We spend so much of our lives trying to find out who the hell we are that it's easy to give into labels. We can be the weird dresser, or the singer, or the drama maker or the jock or the queer.

But what if that's not all?

I found that people tried to define me a lot while asking formspring questions, as if I spent all my time contemplating one part of me. Things that just are. 

I guess that I need to learn to show more sides of myself or maybe accept the fact that there will be a public me and until my world gets a little more diverse it'll be a pretty narrow picture.

And I guess I have to be okay with that for a while because I'm happier now. I am myself. The rest of the world will figure that out soon enough right?
Liking ourselves as a whole is often difficult, we should at least learn to like one of our "selves". 
We're approaching the blogoversary really soon. I don't know if anyone will respond but I would love to hear any ideas you have for a one year post!

She was the still point of the turning world

This weekend I learned a few things. I was reminded of the fact that I am the kind of person who likes the indoors. I learned that there are some "teenage milestones" that are quite underwhelming. For example drinking and wandering outside. 

Really if you haven't done it yet you can just skip that one. 

Unless of course you are into bug bites and cramped spaces and public parking lots.

Which some people are so more power to you.

But in a strange way I'm happy that I did this.

I've learned that experimenting is important. Being safe while experimenting is of course one of the more important parts of that lesson but it's easy to forget that  old saying "You're only young once". 

Balance,moderation these are the things that are supposed to lead us to a happy life. And we often go to extremes. We want to be very very good and if we can't we often go for very very bad. Even though I didn't really enjoy that night there were fun moments. Sitting on an old friend's lawn and laughing or sitting by the lake in silence, there is something nice about being, about trying.

We need to remember to try. Because that is how we get out of ourselves. And even if we learn that we are much happier back within ourselves we have learned something.

That's worthwhile. 

So the universe seems to be against my blogging.

So yesterday I learned that when falling off a horse one must always try to avoid falling on their shoulder.

Cause you break your collarbone.

And that is the end of that. 

This means that posting is going to be a bit infrequent because I can type with only one hand and that is incredibly infuriating.

Yesterday I also learned about people and bonding. It's funny because the thing about getting to know people is that you are rarely conscious of it.  Because maybe you are the kind of person who is always seen in the background of the cast photos, always reading a book but always listening. It sometimes takes months for you to realize that you have somehow gotten to know these people. A quick chat backstage, a friendly greeting sometime during the week. You all are sharing a common experience,giving birth to something bigger than yourselves.
I learned that it's easy to ignore this. That it's easy to decide that you are a separate piece because that frees you from the responsibility.
I'm not saying that through these experiences you are making these people your new best friends but I am saying that we all need to take a moment and see how much we have changed. See what we have let into our lives.
And be grateful.
And care.

Opening Night It's opening night! It's our latest show will it flop or will it go?

Remember way back in the day when I  posted about auditioning for the play?
Well if you can't tell from the title it is opening night. And I guess we could call this the first ever lessons for my sister liveblog. I'm on my lovely friend Peter's laptop. Because this is a liveblog I don't really know where this is going but this feels like the right thing to do.

Which brings me to lesson number one
Sometimes you have to go with your gut. From attempting a liveblog to picking that slightly more difficult song for the spring concert to well being in the school play there are always going to be things that are a little different or a little scary. And that's when we go with our gut. We stop, we think and we go with instinct number one refusing to acknowledge the stupid second thoughts that threaten to consume us.

Today I learned about letting go. As I write this people run over scenes and practice blocking and touch up false eyelashes and yell at other cast members for touching their flashlight and the room is a mess and well it's general chaos. But the curtain is going to go up in nine minutes and there will be nothing we can do. The show must go on right? Though I'm sure we all harbour the fear that things will go so wrong that the show will not go on. So as type I am surrounded by what looks to be simply a group of people gone mad. Or as we like to call ourselves actors.

Today I was reminded of commitments. We live in a world that discredits commitment. It's not really expected anymore.We should aim for total commitment but there is this understanding that In play related news the actors have just left for their posistions on stage. Four minutes and counting. Cue that Madonna song getting stuck in my head. It's been months of work all for this. Seven shows. Which seems like a lot now that I type it. But I guess all we can do is take this thing one show at time. One act at a time. One scene as a time.  Scenes that have been run over and over and over
and over again. 


  And we got this. I keep telling myself that we got this. Six minutes behind schedule we were just told (quite politely) to shut up. They're telling the audience (politely) to shut up and the swingle singers are playing in the backround. That music reminds me of the million times I've heard it played. The million times I've sang along to it in rehersals. I never thought that I would invest this much time or learn to care so much about this thing. I guess that this is like the rest of my life. Investing time, making commitments and starting to love well...whatever it is. Babies, spouses, hopefully jobs. I know that I'm doing a lot of expanding here but you know I've had a lot of time to think about my future lately.

  Our first laugh. It's followed by another...and another. Now they're clapping. Apperently there are'nt many people out there but I don't care. If this is the rush I get out of someone else's applause I know that the real deal will be brilliant.


It was.


This is late but the lessons have had a chance to sink in.
Can something as insignificant as three boring,commonplace lines change you?
Answer:
Yes.

Because Happy is What Happens When All Your Dreams Come True.

Sorry for not posting for almost a whole month! Things have been slow lately in terms of learning lessons and fast in terms of school and life in general. But lucky for you cyberspace I've learned some big lessons lately. 
Today I learned that sometimes you get exactly what you want. Everything that you have been doing in order to reach that one goal has worked. You've crossed the finish line.
And it's terrible. 
I've learned that nothing ever works out the way we script it as. If we want a clean break we imagine others will only agree with us. As human beings (teenagers especially) we're selfish. If we want something we hope , we expect that everyone will just go along with us. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't , disagreeing is practically guaranteed. And sometimes you win.
And it hurts.
I've learned that we don't always know what's best for ourselves. We want to. We want to be the one in charge, the one who knows everything about ourselves and our interests (god help you if you've had therapy because that just assures you that there is NOTHING you don't know about yourself. ) Sometimes we have to listen to what other people are saying. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems inconsequential or stupid or just wrong.
You have to listen because otherwise you hear it and you react to it and you don't let it hit you. It won't hit you until hours days or weeks later. 
Sometimes all these things hit you at once and all you can do is go into autopilot until you can get home sit in that chair by the window and think.
You have think until you know what to say. 
Now that's left is to hope that someone will listen.




PS. Sorry for the emotional teenage post. What can I say I'm an emotional teenager today and I just needed to post. 
I'm going to be trying to post daily for a while. That means shorter but hopefully more quality posts.
Quality and quantity! Who would have thought!
On a happier note here is one of my favourite webcomics. It's incredibly addicting. 
QC

Tony makes 60 K, invests in IRA’s, But I’m busy making paper airplanes out of resumes

Here's what I've learned. Like the mediocre song says breaking up is hard to do. One would assume that it's even harder when you are not in a romantic relationship. But either this is something that everyone goes through or I'm just some psycho. I like option one best.

It's not you it's me, We've both changed though, I need space. All lines from the book of George Costanza, lines I never thought I would be saying them but last week that's all I could say. You know clichés are underrated. Kafka and Shakespeare loved a good cliché and sometimes they are the best way to express something. I've learned that sometimes things need to be said. It's best to pick the timing well and to phrase it well but sometimes that doesn't work out. Sometimes we say things like oh I don't know.... "You need to get your head out of your butt and realize there is a whole world outside your petty drama" (Man that looks terrible when typed). But it leads to better things. I've talked about friendships fading and also the terrible massive fight end to a friendship but I've never had a real "mutual break up". I think that part of growing up is re-evaluating relationships. Seeing what is healthy and what's not. Codependency, building resentment and secrets are not healthy and they aren't real friendships and sometimes it's better to step back versus try to work something out that maybe isn't worth working out. It's been a while since this all went down and I have to say I'm feeling pretty damn good about it. There's a whole world out there and it's waiting to be rediscovered. This post is pretty doom and gloom so I'll end on a happier note 1. Employment is looking up for me and if can get a job anyone can. 2. Spring is almost sprung! Weather is gorgeous go for a bike,ride,walk see some flowers takes some pictures and smile.

Everything is alive it's time you were too.

But it all fades into morning when you open your eyes

So I auditioned for my school's coffeehouse! It went well and I was already for a post about challenging yourself and how sometimes we get so sick of our own lives that we do something crazy and out of the ordinary (and that post may come at a later date). Then I got into a fight with a friend and I was going to post about how sometimes we get so blind-sided by building emotions and short sentences that we miss the massive giant really really important point and in the end we get into massive fights and stuff (but then I realized I had learned nothing and it wouldn't make a very good post.)

Then I heard the news.

And I knew that things were different now. I knew what I would write about.

It's hard to get into someone else's head. Especially when you are opinionated and stubborn. So we see the black and white picture we go "This is wrong and scary. If I were you and would run away and never look back" because in our heads this is what makes sense to us. But then we remember that time where we tried to explain that thing we did to someone and everyone else just thought we were stupid.

And then you get it.

Terrible things are going to happen. They shouldn't and nobody deserves them and maybe there will come a time where everybody's lives are perfect. But right now they're not.But we trust that in these things we can only grow. We have to grow or we just throw in the towel. And we'll never understand why these things happen or how they happened or how we could let this happen but what we have to do is offer an awkward hug and cry and figure out what is going to happen.

Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer" I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer

So that last post was very short but it makes me feel like a more dedicated blogger and I also think that a lesson like that deserves to be short and in it's own category. So the formal was a few nights ago and I can't say I learned much from it. I learned that the cheapest limo company that you got at the last second might possibly have mob connections. Either that or you had nothing to do in the cheap and cold limo ride. I also proved that classy and comfortable always beat out skanky and uncomfortable. But I think the most important thing I learned was that sometimes going out on a limb and not being sure of something's outcome and even though you have low expectation you end up having (at least a little) fun.

I also realized that you could be in a box car or something in the middle of winter with not much else and as long as you had great people with you then it won't be so bad.

It may sound cheesy but it's at times like this that I realize how lucky I am to know the people that I do. Continuing on this cheese fest I need to say that it's at times like this that we need to take a step back and examine our social lives. Not with the critical eye that we (or at least I) usually do but to try and see the light in everyone or at least something that makes you re-remember why you even talk to this person. Like I've said a million times (and especially since starting grade eleven/the holidays) life is stressful but it's better when you around people who love you and even better when you take time to recognize this.
So call your friends rent a good movie (May I suggest Funny Girl?) or at least listen to this and that. Smile , wait for Christmas (or enjoy currently celebrating Hanukkah) and surround yourself with people who love you and don't forget to tell (or at least remember) why you do.

Is your heartbeat racing Is this your soul you're facing?

Today I learned that sometimes things get crazy. What is it about the holidays that send people into a panic? I really thought it could be all ugly sweaters
and you know peace love joy and good will to all. But sometimes it's not sometimes it's crazy Christmas concerts and a million projects due and like 20 billion (okay three) monologues and all you want to do is be super melodramatic and maybe punch someone's lights out.
But I guess that this is the real world and we all need to learn how to deal. These are things we all have to do. We all have to remember to breathe and all that stuff. See I;m starting to realize that life is always going to have a million things to do and we aren't ever going to have time to get it all done. Now this may sound really really really sad and that what I thought at first but then I realized that maybe it's not. That maybe it's this crazy rush to get all the cool/important stuff in that helps us prioritize.

Also in my stress I learned the importance of a kind word , a quick acknowledgement the simple stuff we don't think about. See I analyze people all the time, though most of the time I only point these out if I find them "witty" which can be rational self code for "mean but funny". It's only when we are at the receiving end of a comforting sentence. A cheerful "Are you okay?" That we realize how nice it is to feel cared for. So that's my new mission. Quick and thoughtful inquires.

It's ISU and culminating time. I think we could use all use some.

Colour My Life With The Chaos Of Trouble

Happy American Thanksgiving to my south of the border readers!

This post is kind of perfectly placed seeing as it's around a food based holiday and seeing as I was JUST DISCHARGED FROM THE EATING DISORDER CLINIC!

So naturally this post is going to be about body image. Cause it's a huge thing for (here's the shocker for some) EVERYONE! Female,male,gay,straight,all races all religions. Our own self image particularly the physical one is something that follows us around. Over the past two years that I've been with the clinic (Yet another reason I am so happy with Canadian healthcare system seriously I don't know what we would of done if the program cost money) I've learned a lot about body image. In todays crazy world with models having photoshopped heads bigger than their hips not only is it hard enough to have a good body image but in fact there's almost this pressure to have a poor one. Few people want to have the tagline of "they think their the shit" but I don't think it's wrong to look in a mirror and say "Damn I look good today" I hope my readers don't have a problem with doing this because the greatest thing ever is that you can change the whole tone of that often so critical once over that groups of people do when they look in the mirror.

There is two loud voices in the world when it comes to body image there is the WOMEN WITH CURVES ARE SEXY AND ANYONE ELSE IS NOT A REAL WOMAN and then there is Karl Lagerfeld. I can't say I agree with either of these voices. Thats why I love this there are women of colour,women of all ages and weights, body types and abilities. And they look strong and attractive. I've learned that making your voice heard is important and whether you follow popular or unpopular viewpoint as long as you are not spreading hate well your doing the right thing. I've learned it's easier to love others when you love yourself and the tiniest positive change you make sends signals out to the world that loving yourself and being comfortable in your own skin is a good thing and though it can be the hardest thing you've done at first it get's easier.

In other news I will be attending the Christmas formal. Now to look for something to wear....

Sebastian wrote his diary that. He would never be young again

Recently as my friends have found out that I have a blog (Not that I am telling them the url I like my secret world). They've began to ask questions about what I blog about and if I ever mention them. I started thinking about why I didn't want my real world people to see my blog and I figured out that maybe I was a little scared about being judged and a lot more scared about how they would perceive my online "persona".

Persona's are fun and being able to go online and become the person that you really would like to be. The fact is that the "real world" calls for us to be a lot more jaded or cynical. Often it's fun having a commentary running in your head but I don't think that I or anyone else can ever grow as a person if they don't have some way to step back and see the big picture.

Thats what I answer when people ask about my blog now. I don't want to sound preach or give away crucial googleable details about my blog so I say.

It's all about seeing the big picture. Taking the everyday stuff we don't think about and seeing how it all fits into life.

Breaking out of my super selfish and not at all advice giving or lessony post. I guess what I am trying to say is that sarcasm is fun optimism helps us grow.

Eventually we'll hit that perfect balance...somehow.

The Reminder

I made it through the first week!

Being a junior is different. It's amazing how much we all seemed to grow up over the summer. Though I hardly look like a junior I clutch my grade 11 textbooks to my chest like a banner that says DO NOT "INITIATE" ME!

So what has the first week taught me?

It's taught me about expectations. Whether it's that new TV show or my scary math class or seeing that person in the hallways again we always have expectations. They are fun,disappointing,paranoid,imaginary and real. Expectations are important not only do that make life worth living by giving us a reason to wake up in the morning.

They are our own personal kick in the butt to wake up to reality.

When our expectations are proved to be false (these often fall under the paranoid "everyone is going to hate me because... category) we realize something huge about mindreading and living in the present. This week I've had more self built conceptions about absolutely stupid things knocked down than ever. I don't know if this trend will continue. I think it might slow down because I'm realizing the futility of these walls of thought I have built.

Hopefully I'll be doing at least bi-weekly posts as the year goes on though the first week has been so crazy. I'm back on the jobhunt so that should be educational at least...right?

To finish it all off I've been crazyily interested in this idea. It's only since I've started reading about it that I've started to look at my group of friends and how they influence me physically and mentally. Maybe I'll do a rip-off or "personal opinion" post on these studies later this week.

Today I learned about language. It's amazing how the vibrations of our vocal cords contain so much. But what is a voice without an ear?

So many times we all seem to forget to listen. Not just hear but listen. Sometimes it's harder to listen then it is to talk. It's finding that balance that is so tough. As I mentioned in my first ever post being a teenager is almost impossible at times. Humans by our very nature are self centered,not just teenagers and striking the balance between talking and listening is what keeps our sanity and friendships.

In my first post I also talked alot about how rapidly growing up changes. What amazes me is that with every option we have to talk to people we feel like our voices are'nt heard. I am not saying that this is the only generation that has felt silenced for every generation has. Maybe it's because with every chance we are given to show ourselves to the world we are given one more place to spread a persona.

Maybe none of these million outlets ask for a real person.

Status updates should be proclaimations of our amazing lives or Jerry Seinfeld esque witty observations. Perhaps the reason that we have'nt seen a rush to the comedy clubs that was seen is in the 80's is because every wannabe comedian has simply taken to their twitter account.

Maybe this is a blessing. Two painful hours in a comedy club reduced to 140 characters. But if we don't take advantage of these oppertuinties to make our voices heard then what vare we going to miss out on?

Once again it all comes down to a balancing act of talking and listening and being confident in being heard. Because once you learn balance it's as easy as breathing the hardest part is to move on.

Dreaming of the time when you are free from all the trouble you're in

Sorry for not updating in what feels like so long! So I combined one draft and one new lesson into a borderline sermon on discovery in the summertime.

Today I learned about "accomplishments" and how often we forget what they really are.

Summer "time" kicked in and I was shocked to find out that today was a Wednesday. That kind of scares me I don't want summer to slip by ala Arthur's "The Short Quick Summer"

But despite my qualms I am learning the joys of laziness. I've found a way to kill my internal clock and now can easily wake up at 10:00. This is important. So much of the time it feels like we are all under the gun. I'm all for one living life to the fullest like every day was my last etc etc.

I'm figuring out that summer doesn't have to be defined by how many people I hang out with or parties or events or anything like that. I can be a total recluse for days and then just go play tennis at the local courts and buy Dora the explorer Popsicles. That writing summer to do lists can be motivating and fun but often all a day needs is a new playlist,a good library book and shade in your favorite hammock. And that wraps up early summer lesson one.

Today I learned about friendships...and irony.

Today taught me that sometimes even when we are so convinced that were going to have one friend forever. Perhaps even remarking on this the morning before you see the other person,but maybe while sitting by the lake you realize.

"I'm outgrowing you"

And you don't want this,nobody wants it. But I think you really truly actually grow up the day you say "I don't care about growing up". I've never been one to judge and whatever illegal activities my teenage friends will involve themselves in I'm okay with that. But it's this absolute race to finish line of adulthood that scares me.

My friends call me a 40 year old. I like "strange music" Which by the way check out check Ohbijou and Regina Spektor they both have newish albums out and they are amazing!

But I think my most defining 40 year old quality is the fact that I am content where I am. I'm not searching for anything better I just want to try and learn as much as I can prepare yet live in the moment and live a great life full of contradictions and confusion and new experiences.

So I grow up, I grow down but in the end we all outgrow. The nice thing about the past though is that we never have to kill the memories. I will laugh at my grade 7 "I'm so dark and twisted lets wear lots of eyeliner and take it off before I go home"stage. I'll cry at the sad memories we shared I'll laugh at our moments of silliness. But in the end things aren't the same. I'm not the same and she is. We'll move on in our lives and we can thank each other for helping each other make it this far.

Summer makes me reflective it makes me melancholy at times but I am always learning.