Dress Rehearsals

Ever since the smash hit Glee hit the airwaves the world has fallen in love with choir, and show tunes. I of course being the perpetual geek loved this stuff anyways , I'm the band geek, the choir nerd. Glee has provided me with the moments that I dream of. You know the one's where you are singing and suddenly the stage lights come up and it's just you on that stage and it could be just you on this planet and you don't care because this is your moment.
Well I never thought I would get one of those but I did.
It happened accidentally. We were practicing in the gym and they were setting up stage lights for tomorrow's concert and it just happened that the gym lights were turned off and the lovely glowy stage lights came up just as my solo started.
It was here that the lesson hit me. 
First of all I had never wanted anything more badly in my life than this solo (it's the female one). So I worked and I got it. So I guess that's a lesson but I'm sure you read the little engine that could at least once during your childhood.
What I really learned today is that we need to learn to lose ourselves.
There will be things that we can never do alone but that we have to. Things like solo's or making tough decisions about your own future. 
So we have to tell ourselves to take a back seat. We have to get rid of everything inside of us that is scared or worried or unsure.
It's funny because when we lose ourselves if only for a few minutes (or bars of music) we arrive back into our bodies slightly different. It's a tiny change but it's for the best and it pushes us towards the day that we won't have to lose ourselves anymore.

I channeled Mercedes Jones by the way. Give me her over Rachel Berry any day. 

The North American Dream Sweeping Team.

Today I learned about humility. When you are a white middle class teenage girl (or anyone really though the white middle class is especially good at this) it's easy to see yourself as a "saviour" (a great example of this is How Not to Write About Africa). I have to say I was like that when I learned I would be participating in a habitat for humanity project. It's easy to get a swollen head when people are telling you how great it is that you are doing this, the gift that you are giving someone.
Yes I am giving the gift of my time, I am making a small small contribution. 
I had to be reminded of that. We all have to be reminded of that.
How?
Well sweeping for about eight solid hours will do that for you.
I did briefly use some power tools and I put up some drywall but basically it was solid sweeping. Picking up discarded pieces of wood and insulation. Cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning.
I must admit I complained. I bitched. But I got the job done. By the end of the day I was tired and covered in a thin layer of dust.
I was at a loss for what I had learned. What I had contributed.
It was only when I saw on my facebook page that another student was talking about how happy he was that he didn't go. That it was ridiculous to spend $50 dollars on a broom (all participants must raise $50 in pledges.)
That's when I saw the I's. That's when I realized that this day wasn't about being a saviour and it wasn't a waste of time.
Volunteering is simply about time. It's about effort and contributing no matter what the cost. It's about solitude sometimes and bonding with people others. It's about doing what is needed not what looks pretty. It's about giving everything you have whether it's your talents or simply some physical labour.
In a way it's about giving up and giving of yourself. 
So I guess the only thing I'm left wondering is
What are we going to do next?

We're so helpless, we're slaves to our own forces.

Last night I preformed at my school's coffeehouse. I also helped to run it but that seemed secondary to the iron fist of nerves which was holding my stomach in a death grip. But you know what? I was ready and like all things I learned something.

Fear is something that we let define us, at least partially. Our fears (my fears) help to define us.

A fear of preforming, a fear of germs all of these things stop us from living our lives.

We might not even realize that we want to do these things but there comes a night when we are sleep deprived and anxious and make an angst ridden conclusion such as....oh I don't know

"I hate my life and everything about it and I'm so boring so let's do something totally out of character"

But you know what?

Despite all my freaking out it was okay.

I don't feel any different and maybe that's not the point of it all.

A Modern Family episode talked about how maybe we can only change ourselves about 15% and that makes sense to me. But even if we can only change 15% there is so much out there that we can experiment with. So out of 100 attempts at change we get 15 right and 85 other learning experiences.

Sounds pretty good to me.

Is your heartbeat racing Is this your soul you're facing?

Today I learned that sometimes things get crazy. What is it about the holidays that send people into a panic? I really thought it could be all ugly sweaters
and you know peace love joy and good will to all. But sometimes it's not sometimes it's crazy Christmas concerts and a million projects due and like 20 billion (okay three) monologues and all you want to do is be super melodramatic and maybe punch someone's lights out.
But I guess that this is the real world and we all need to learn how to deal. These are things we all have to do. We all have to remember to breathe and all that stuff. See I;m starting to realize that life is always going to have a million things to do and we aren't ever going to have time to get it all done. Now this may sound really really really sad and that what I thought at first but then I realized that maybe it's not. That maybe it's this crazy rush to get all the cool/important stuff in that helps us prioritize.

Also in my stress I learned the importance of a kind word , a quick acknowledgement the simple stuff we don't think about. See I analyze people all the time, though most of the time I only point these out if I find them "witty" which can be rational self code for "mean but funny". It's only when we are at the receiving end of a comforting sentence. A cheerful "Are you okay?" That we realize how nice it is to feel cared for. So that's my new mission. Quick and thoughtful inquires.

It's ISU and culminating time. I think we could use all use some.

I could dance all night like I'm a soul boy But I know I'd rather drag myself across the dance floor

Yeah that looks like fun....

Being a teenager is hard sometimes. "Coming of age" rituals can be one of a few things

a)spirtiually enlightening

b)exciting

c)embarrasing

d) physically painful

e) all of the above.

It's November. Midterms are over, the attractive part of fall is coming to a close and whether it's humankind's need for ANYTHING to look forward to or it's everybody's favorite corporate soulless advertisers we seem to be getting in the holiday spirit.

Seeing as I am a junior this means:

winter formal

Now I know I talked about wanting to get involved, participate,make memories etc etc etc. But at this point I want to scream at the world GIVE ME A BREAK ALREADY!

I love getting dressed up,I love dancing, I love dancing with my friends but maybe it's the outsider in me that absolutely detests winter formal. I get to drink crappy Shirley temples, go to a banquet hall beside a highway and pay a ridiculous amount of money for stupid things.

It is hear that the lesson kicks in.

We all get pigheaded and sometimes it's a good thing, being able to stick to your guns makes your a better debater/conversationalist/interesting person. Then there are cases like me and winter formal where you realize that you are so far stuck in this rut that you have no idea how to get out. So you take a step back, you weigh the options and maybe you make a decision or decide to hold out to the last minute (Which is what I'll be doing). Have any of my readers been to any sort of formal? What were your thoughts?

Never Listened to True Colours

I have to admit I'm nervous about this blog post. It talks about something that can make a lot of people angry. But there are things in life that I refer to as big deals and these are important to talk about

DEFINITION TIME!

big

1  [big]

deal

1  [deel] Something that is loud inside you. The big priorities. The passionate mealtime conversations, the things that foster friendships and screaming arguments. Things that shouldn't be shut up. Things that make you take chances. Beautifully Terrifying things.

When I set out on my blogging adventure I was at least partially going for a survival guide for teenagerdom and whether you want to admit it or not sexuality (overt,hidden,questioning,outing all that good stuff) are a part of it. Growing up is confusing period. Fate/God/Whatever you believe in likes to throw curve balls at us and we learn how to deal...somehow. It's hard when you suddenly become a minority and you suddenly have to rewrite your story from the typical "Get married to the opposite sex have at least one child have a successful career somewhere" to something else and continuing with this rewrite metaphor I guess you could say that there's a chance that the publisher won't like this rewrite or you have to break it to your "creators" that you'll be taking things in a new direction and that there no longer going to be writers on your team (I spent a long time with this whole analogy please don't judge me too harshly). But you have to take that chance because in the end there are going to be people in this world who love your story and can see the whole picture and they'll love you. They'll suprise you.

It's how we handle these big scary things that is universal.

We talk things out with anyone even ourselves

We make a plan to be flexible

We remember that we are good people and that in the end everything will be okay

Somehow

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The Adventures Of Melodrama Girl

So this week I learned a lot of things...Again I learned that sometimes we overestimate the difficulty of things aka
I AM PASSING MATH!!!!
Beyond that I learned some other big stuff. Classic stuff like all storms do pass and etc etc. Really I think my last post's slight optimism inspired real life.. or maybe not.
I've been thinking a lot about high school and how it's going to be over in 1 year and 11 months. Yes I will admit to having some yearbook sentimentality I can't always be a robot.
I've realized something about making you mark though. That in the end going for the high C on the first day of choir or trying out for the school play just might be worth it. Maybe you'll fail maybe you'll totally blow your own mind and forever claim it was the biggest achievement of your young life (COME ON! It was a HIIIGGGHHH C). But at the end of the day you get to say
I Was There
Remember When?
Something happened between grades 9 and 10 to me. I lost a lot of confidence and combined with recovery in order to be normal I really didn't have any time to be normal.
So I'm older I have seniority in my school and I think I'm going to take some chances. Maybe they'll work out maybe not but in the end I'm always learning. Tryout for the play are in two days and I'll hopefully have a series of funny anecdotes and defintions on the audition process.
Last but not least I made a tumblr cause it's what all the cool artsy kids are doing and they are pretty. It may fall flat on it's face but trying never hurt anyone. (Look how I take my life lessons and apply them to wonderful trivial internet things)

The Reminder

I made it through the first week!

Being a junior is different. It's amazing how much we all seemed to grow up over the summer. Though I hardly look like a junior I clutch my grade 11 textbooks to my chest like a banner that says DO NOT "INITIATE" ME!

So what has the first week taught me?

It's taught me about expectations. Whether it's that new TV show or my scary math class or seeing that person in the hallways again we always have expectations. They are fun,disappointing,paranoid,imaginary and real. Expectations are important not only do that make life worth living by giving us a reason to wake up in the morning.

They are our own personal kick in the butt to wake up to reality.

When our expectations are proved to be false (these often fall under the paranoid "everyone is going to hate me because... category) we realize something huge about mindreading and living in the present. This week I've had more self built conceptions about absolutely stupid things knocked down than ever. I don't know if this trend will continue. I think it might slow down because I'm realizing the futility of these walls of thought I have built.

Hopefully I'll be doing at least bi-weekly posts as the year goes on though the first week has been so crazy. I'm back on the jobhunt so that should be educational at least...right?

To finish it all off I've been crazyily interested in this idea. It's only since I've started reading about it that I've started to look at my group of friends and how they influence me physically and mentally. Maybe I'll do a rip-off or "personal opinion" post on these studies later this week.

FANCHILD ALERT

This is partly fanchild and part new lesson today. I'll start with the lesson cause it has a nice segue into my deep passionate totally mentally based yet platonic love for david levithan.

So I helped run orientation day today for the grade nines. It was my job to promote band and choir and the arts to the new members of my community.

What started off as a cheery "Get involved with your school's arts program sign up for band or choir today!"

Took an hour of not being listened to,mocked and ignored to change to

"Band and Choir"

and a few more hours to change to...

"Confident in your heterosexuality boys? Stick it to the jocks and join band or choir"

Needless to say we only had 10 signups total.

But it got me thinking about my orientation day. How different I was. Cause high school whether you have a good time or not is important. Even in a school as small as mine it's not very hard to reinvent yourself. Whats cool about orientation day is that these kids are picking their new lives and actually becoming young adults. The teams and clubs and classes that they chose are going to bombard them with new people and experiences. High school changes people.



AND SEGUE!

What's my connection? Well what I love most about David Levithan is the fact that he provides such an amazing array of characters gay straight etc etc and it's no big deal

Cause that's the way life works right? Or at least if you live in a moderately tolerant community gay and straight and whatever aren't huge. What I hate about LGBT teen literature is that a lot of it is one giant stereotype spread over the course of a novel. So not only is David Levithan a great writer who makes people feel all happy and stuff but he writes real characters who aren't defined by their straight or gayness. David Levithan takes the whole high school world and growing up and what it does to you and keeps it real.
That's something I learned this summer. That keeping it real is the best and most important thing you can do. We so often decide what everyone else is going to do what they are thinking and people surprise us.It's really beautiful.
So what this long and jumbled fangirl post comes down to is these three things
1.David Levithan Rocks
2.Keeping it real is great it lets us move forward and grow
3. By keeping it real we have to assume others are keeping it real and stop writing scripts for everyone then people surprise us and it's amazing.
One week left getting a new roll of film developed. I think I'm ready for this to be over.

Today I didn't learn much. I learned never to trust ANYONE who tells you where your exam is not the commissionaire or your classmates NOBODY just go into the halls and check the postings saves you a lot of strife. I also learned that writing lists is a great way to make yourself feel like you've accomplished something. Cause if by the end of the year you can say that you accomplished one thing on your list things are good.

Therefore....

THIS SUMMER

1. Attend/Help organize a rally because Mc Carthy's big uniform supplier uses child labour? Not cool.

2.Learn To Sew- I need to stop going into stores and saying "Oh god I could make that!" it bothers salespeople

3.Learn to Cook-I sound so domestic!

4.Practice my flute (My guriella war tactics won out evil music teacher retired! )

5. Get a good grasp on the guitar

6. Have amazing bonfire making starlight party at petro park

7.Visit the art gallery in the city and locally regularly.

8. Use the car as little as possible

9.Teach everyone the beauty of Kerr street. Seriously it's a haven just waiting to be discovered.

10.Return my library books on time.

11. Keep being a "Harold" ala Harold and Maude and visiting the cemeteries with Meagan. (One Day write a post explaining this)

12. WriteWriteWrite

13.Walk through the lakeside trails downtown till we reach a secluded park blasting the Beatles. Then have a picnic.

14.Eat lots of Gelato

15. Have "Film fests"

16. Get mum's old SLR and take lots and lots of pictures.

17. Be Brave

18.Take Chances

19.Forget everything I learned in school except for drama and history those are important things

20. See 500 days of Summer and get my hair cut like the girl in 500 days of summer

21.Make those tshirts for all my friends "Modest as an Effin Peacock" "Plain as an Effin Zebra" "Happy as an Effin Thundercloud" "Straight as an Effin Curly Straw" etc. etc.

22. Go to lots and lots of varied concerts

24. Have more choir kid reunion specials and interesting artsy kid hangouts which result in interesting and blurry pictures that make me look like a ghost.

Ever seen a baby robin be born? Put that on your to do list.

Today I learned about preperation.

With exams looming and culminatings on top of us it's easy to think of preperation in the simple reading your notes kind of way. But today I saw a baby bird being born,right i front of my eyes I saw something that looked like a rock become something alive! This little robin has been preparing for this moment it's entire life. This is the hardest thing it has ever done. It has no plan,no idea on what will happen next but it puts in more effort than ever.

So what does that say about us.

about chances and possibility and being brave?

I think about preperation and maybe that's just as important as the end result. That it's this weird mix of being ready and facing the unknown. That tiny robin has no idea what the big wide world will bring and yet this is the big event. After the shell there's no real plan but that does'nt matter.

I want to be that robin because all the preperation in the world only sets us up for a single event after that we'll play it by ear and we'll see the world for the first time. Maybe we'll start defenseless but from that comes a beautiful song.

cheese fest but I'm feeling reflective

Lessons for my Sister

It's funny the things you realize in an elevator. Today?
I realized that NOBODY tells you what to prepare for in terms of growing up. It's enough to give a girl one serious peter pan complex. I am a pop culture junkie at times. I watch TV and movies read copious amounts of of books and honestly I thought that teenagerdom wouldn't throw me
HA! So I write lessons for my sister. Cause I mean by the time things get tough I'll be OLD. You try and tell your parents things are harder now? Well they can't see it cause their youth probably was no bed of roses.
I never want to be the adult who is so caught up in their current life that they forget how crazy their teen years can be.
Not that I'm bitter or angry with my teenage years, the friends I have now are amazing, if life never gets any better than this I am content. But still I'm thrown for a loop. For example; What does a date entail? Do teachers ever tell you the truth? How do you separate something deep from a pile of angst?
I'm trying to figure that out. So every day I will learn or discover something and I will write a lesson for my sister. I'm feeling very Maya Angelou letters to my daughter esque right now. I want to teach all my "sisters" something. I want to teach myself something.