always

There are few feelings worse than seeing the man behind the curtain. Whether it's the person in your head meeting the actual person or seeing how tiny the "cliff" you scaled in second grade actually is. It's this feeling of loss and the idea that you can't go back after this, everything is different now and it always will be. The closest you can ever get to that moment is to freeze right here right now at the second you became disillusioned and well nobody wants to stay there. not really. 
So I suppose we must choose to move forward. We delete that song and maybe we get a haircut. We smile and refuse to let whispers and glares hurt us because they could only hurt the "us" that was not what we have become since that night. Still though with all this moving forward we have to find a few things from the past to bring with us.
I reread the first harry potter book this morning, and you know what? It was as transformational and sweet and funny as it ever was. We don't have to lose everything. In the end we will forget people places and events because we want to, because deep down we know that we don't need them. 
We keep the people, songs and books close because we know that they are and will always be enough.
Love is always better than longing. Love what you have because it is brilliant and you'll see that when you stop hoping for silly impossible things. The rest with a bit of luck will come to you. 

Today I learned that we never stop looking for our patent medicine. Remember hearing about tales of days gone by where salesmen would hawk their miracle elixirs that could cure everything.
I think we still want those.
We think if we kiss someone else it will stop us thinking about the people we really want to kiss or that there is a cure for everything. The idea of dealing with something for the rest of the foreseeable future is terrifying and so we search for and experiment with a thousand things that might cure us. We get too drunk, we read thousands of books, we sit in the dark and stare at a wall hoping that something will shift and that it will all be better.
There is no cure for sadness or loneliness or loss just like there is no poison that can kill off happiness, love or joy. 
There is only life.

Today I learned about getting "happy"
It seems like all we ever do is try to "get happy" we may not be aware of it but we try so hard to like ourselves,to like our classmates, our family, our course selections, that picture from that party. All in this quest to be happier than we already are.
But today I learned that although you can make the choice to try and be happy you rarely have any control over whether that works out. Yes it is substantially easier if you make an effort but be it brain chemistry, the weather or the plans of other people sometimes we just can't be happy.
Then something changes.
Someone sends you a text or the sun comes out or the perfect song comes up on your ipod and things get a little brighter.
It will feel like something has shifted and I can't promise that it will last much longer than the next text, until the sun retreats behind the clouds again or the song ends but I can promise that for a moment there things were better.
Little sister teen angst is a terrible thing but you know what else is incredible? That childish pure unadulterated happiness that comes in great beautiful waves for no apparent reason.
You are lucky you get both.
And they are both important.
So just try to learn.

You've Got The Love

Today I saw how incredibly beautiful life is. Today I learned that sometimes you have to cry about the snow.
Be it teenage hormones or coming to sudden realizations or falling out of like/love/whatever , today I cried cause the snow was so freaking beautiful and it reminded me how freaking beautiful life is. That song "The Cave" but Mumford and Sons was playing and it was dark and everything was illuminated by the lights that reflected off the creek.
I was reminded that I could of missed all of this.
Today I learned that life is a journey but there is more than one destination. Often it is easy for us to see life as an A to B sort of thing ; you're born and you just keep going till you die.  But maybe that's not right. Why should we only get somewhere in the end? Because in seventeen years I've done far too much travelling to not have gotten to a destination. 
Life is a highway and all that crap but I guess the exits aren't marked. Either the road ends or you veer off course and for so long I wanted to veer off course.  But I never made it all the way off. But I never thought I would get anywhere either and yet here I am.  
Mostly we're all in different places but we can see each other, we are there for each other. Geographically we stay pretty close and yet a thousand different things are happening to all of us. We fall in and out of love, we get accepted and rejected by universities, we go for walks and we stay home, we go see a film. Its easy to think that all of this is meaningless or that's its simply a part of a journey because that is easier.
Important things are supposed to happen at destinations and that is terrifying because the important things aren't always what we want them to be. But recognizing where we are as a destination can make the little things seem bigger and the snow a bit more beautiful. Because the snow isn't just a sight on the passing highway but a destination. So you call someone and you cry and you make a memory. And you keep travelling.

Measure In Love

New years resolution : blog more! Actually I made a bunch more but those are boring. So I won't get into them.
On new years eve I had a terrible babysitting job but when the child and dog were asleep  (and I stopped cowering in a corner) I read a book and listened to my ipod. And the song I kept going back to was seasons of love from rent.
I've always loved this song and it's always been one of those songs that speaks to me.
But this year I heard it differently. 
See last year I wrote myself an email which was delivered yesterday. It made me think about the hopes I had for last year when I wrote it and then my mind first went to all the times I screwed up. I thought about the fights and the snide comments and the terrible outfits. But as the song swelled I did what the song was telling me to do.
I remembered the love.
I remembered how after the fights there was the reconciliation and how things got better because finally the things that needed to be said were said.
I remember that for every snide comment I felt a little regret and I said something good.
There were failures but the triumphs had a greater impact.
For every selfish relationship there were real whole ones.
For every terrible outfit there was a good one.
2010 was a year filled with love.
So I resolve for all of us to measure in love and laughter not strife.
A year is composed of five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.
Many of those will be minutes of strife.
But we have to remember the love.

Still I Just Want Back In Your Head

Today I learned that sometimes you need to get back inside your own head.
There are dangers in living too much inside your own world, you start to forget the people around you. But sometimes you need to retreat. Last night was my Christmas concert and the general feedback that I got from the audience was that they have never seen me that happy. And I can believe that. But I think that it was more then seeing how happy I was I think what everyone saw was more of "me" then I've ever shown. I felt like my body ceased to exist and all anyone could see was my insides , not the blood and guts and stuff but your real insides the ones that only come out when you lose yourself to something greater than you are.
In small doses this is good but it is tiring and it's hard. So sometimes you need to leave the crowd, put on your headphones go for a walk to nowhere, look at some pretty things and read a book. Think about everything, think about nothing make a commitment not to talk or listen to anything around you just be. When you come back everything will be just as you left it but you will be a little different. Because it's easier to let go when you know you can always come back.

There Are No Legible Signs

Oh my god my last post was in October!
Wow I'm feeling neglectful.
Little sister I just read your blog. I said because it was on the internet I could and now you will probably read mine. Which is good because this post is for you. Personally I've already learned this but you need to hear it tonight.
People are going to break your heart. They are going to grab it stomp on it kick you in the stomach then shake your hand and walk away.
Be selfish. Demand that you get closure in the healthiest way you can.
Talk.
Cry.
Laugh.
Eat some good food or go for a run or have a Buffy marathon or hug your dog or sleep in your big sisters bed like you used to when you were so tiny.
Know that as much as everyone tells you how unimportant this is in the grand scheme of things (I must also now mention that this heartbreak is highly unimportant in the grand scheme of things) right now it hurts. a lot.
And it's supposed to. Because this is going to happen again in varying degrees a hell of a lot more times. And you are going to do this to people because that is how life works.
So here in these early days of real relationships and real breakups you learn. You learn when to speak and when to be silent, you learn about taking sides and the importance of friendship.
Even when you feel at your weakest remember you are strong.
And everything will be okay.
So take a few deep breathes, read some poetry , hell write some sad poems in your journal.
Just know that this is the first night and it will probably be a long one.
But the sun will rise, the darkness will be just a little brighter.
And you have a sister who loves you.

Park That Car, Drop That Phone,Sleep On The Floor, Dream About Me.

Last year I turned sixteen. So I guess all logic following I would expect to turn seventeen this year. But you know something? It really threw me for a loop. It feels like I've been living in this ageless state which I guess happens as you try and figure out where you belong. I've been trying to figure out what seventeen is supposed to "be" I've been reading and listening to songs and watching films but I still don't know. Sixteen had all these shiny happy expectations but seventeen seems a little more somber. But here's the thing. We feel disillusioned when things aren't as good as we thought they would be but what about when we go into something with low expectations? Seventeen has been sold to me as a hard year where you keep trying to catch up with what life throws at you but I don't want that and I know that can't really be it just like I knew everything wasn't going to fall into place just because I was sixteen. This year has the possibility to be everything and I'm not just going to resign to a year of stress and angst.
In searching for expectations and answers I've learned that you have to make your own and resign to the fact that the future always has been and always will be a mystery. We don't get to control whether that love will be reciprocated or get cast for that roll or find that dress in your size. That's how it goes and maybe we could do so much more if we stopped looking for signs and clues and hidden meanings in simple things. Maybe we could go with our gut and fall down a bit more but have more time to pick ourselves up. We walk on, we end up somewhere and as long as we keep a good head our shoulders then we'll be in a good place. Another year will have passed and there will be more lessons.

YOU BELONG

This is what I have learned especially since coming out.

YOU BELONG

There is a place for you. In your school, your place of worship, your family, your friends, your workplace, your town or country. Things sometimes will suck and you will feel like you don't belong but there is always a place for you. There are better places and sometimes there are worse places but right here right now? You have a place and a value and a reason to be here just as much as anyone else. Why? Because you are alive. Because you have talents and gifts and insights and hopes and dreams. Even if you had none of those you would still belong and have worth. Just because of the simple fact that you were born. Nobody can take that away from you. They will try and some days you might believe them so you will try to. 

I've been told that in the not so distant future that "it" will get better. Never forget that the near future will get better too. There are people who love you , every part of you even the dark parts you keep locked inside they will love and you will learn to love these things too.

No matter what though remember you belong. Carve out a place for yourself in the world and make a mark. Surround yourself with loving people and march onward. Life is never going to be easy but god it can be incredible.

Thanks

It's Canadian Thanksgiving! I like ours because there is more space between the giant food fests of the winter holidays and thanksgiving. I need space in-between or I'll blow up. And that would be terrible. 

Have you ever made a list of what you are thankful for? I've learned that this can change your perspective on just about everything. The bad things seem smaller and the good things even larger. So here we go...

I am thankful for......

My family, my sisters and my parents are a constant source of support,drama,love and laughter. Nothing is ever perfect but I am reminded that my family though constantly changing is there for me no matter what. Not a lot of people can say that.

My house. I have a room of my own and a kitchen and a computer and a tv and a whole library. It's a tiny house by rich suburban standards but a freaking palace by most of the worlds standards.

My Thanksgiving dinner.It is vegetarian,organic and incredibly delicious. I have access to foods that meet my ethical and health standards and so many people don't have healthy food or don't have food period.

My friends. They are hilarious,trusting,funny,interesting,talented and overall incredible people. I don't know how they made it into my life but they did and I don't know what I would do without them.

My various forms of technology. I think I use it for the best purposes (mostly for writing and reading but also for funny viral videos). I don't know what I would do without my ipod and internet connection. Addiction? maybe but I guess I'm grateful that I'll never be cut off.


My education. I don't go to a private school and I'm stuck taking terrible religion courses but you know what? Some of these teachers I will remember for the rest of my life and they're giving me the tools to escape the evil institution they are employed by. Also I'm a girl and I'm getting a kick ass education.


We're all pretty lucky. Some of us have more and some have less but there is always something to be thankful for and something to love.
We're always searching for improvement and that is great because it's how we grow. But sometimes we just need to take a breather to look at how much we already have.

We Now Return To Our Normal Programming.

Last night I did something that I was really scared to do and it ended up working out exactly as I thought it would - badly. But you know what? In doing what I was so scared of I got over it. In the end things are mostly internal. It's not the love that we crave it's the struggle. Unrequited love is not fun but you know what is? Analysing the situation and imagining conversations and being angsty and self involved. We feel a little deeper and a little more tortured like a character in a novel or something. Everyone wants to be taken seriously and love sometimes seems to be the most serious thing of all. But in confessing, in fulfilling the things we were so scared of we learn something. We learn that there are more important things in live then faint possibilities and that once something is out in the open it's different. Once that internal monologue goes external suddenly it seems lighter and simpler and easier to get over. 

And so you do.

And even when things should seem darker they seem a little lighter.

And you feel a little smarter.

And life resumes it's normal programming. 

First Week (And a Day)

I meant to do a first day post but everything was moving so fast I could hardly gather my thoughts. So I guess this is a first week post. I've learned a bit in my first week but the biggest thing is that things get better, and by things I mean high school. I know that intelligence is an excellent thing and that nobody should try and hide it to be accepted or get someone to like them or whatever. In fact I've been preaching this since kindergarten. But we rarely talk about the flip side. The dangers of believing that we are superior. Good self esteem is awesome but we often fall into this trap that makes us believe we are the best. This isolates us, allows few the opportunity to discuss just about anything with us and lads to mega freakouts when the idea that we aren't the best sneaks up on us. I learned that people have important things to say and even if their vocabulary or reading lists aren't as extensive as mine they are valid and interesting and worth talking about. I wish I could say that this discovery was sparked by a lot of introspection and healthy self analysis but it was more of one of those seeing someone else doing something and then seeing myself in that person and kind of losing it due to shame. But in the end the lesson was learned and that is the important thing.

I think my next post will be on time management or perhaps overextending oneself because my whole plan to limit extracurriculars is crashing and burning. But in the meantime I'll try and keep learning and I hope that you are too. 

I was hoping the train was my big number

Today I learned that anniversaries are important because they remind us not of the event but of the time passed. We are constantly experiencing milestones, important events that change who we are and how we see the world.  A while ago I posted about the sad realization that yes terrible things happen to very good people and today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of that terrible time. I think of how that person has grown and changed and survived and I think about how my perspective on the world has changed. But mostly I think of time.
In the end what is an anniversary? It's just a day that happens to be the same as something important and maybe something important will happen on this day of this year and maybe it won't. What is most important is the time in-between. The time where suddenly that day though always in the background maybe wasn't that important. The time where we grew and changed and learned and did not forget but learned how to deal. And we dealt. 
Anniversaries are a time to look back but only for a moment. Because instead of mourning (or celebrating) a day we can marvel in what we have accomplished in that in between time and be confident that the future will not only be the same but be better.

Leave all your loss and your longing behind you can't carry it with you if you want to survive.

Yesterday I spent hours cleaning my room. I went up into those top shelves of my closet where I had old diaries and the get well soon fake flowers with the messages written on them. I took all my clothes and ironed ,folded and culled the things I don't wear any more. I was thinking about how a person is defined by their things. From  style to economic situations we conform , we break free and we work for things. Here in the "developed" world we are a material culture, we consume , the throw away but most importantly we hold onto things. We keep so many unnecessary things that we can get lost in them. By holding onto old movie tickets, secret classroom notes or never sent letters we don't allow ourselves to move forward. Though I threw out so many physical reminders of past events,feelings or crushes the memories are still there. Some were good (though most were bad) and now they all seem a little more distant.
I learned that there are times in our live when the past and present disappear and we are left alone with a shaky present to keep us company. The last few days before my senior year have been like that for me and I don't know when I'll be back in the land of the living.
But what I do know is everything is clean. The drawers are organized and the school bag is packed with colour coordinated supplies and those are just the external thing. Inside seems to have undergone some pre fall cleaning too. Everything feels a little distant but the most important thing is that we will all catch up eventually.

Vacation Part Two

  Have you ever gone a long time without eating a certain food? Like an apple, and when you bite into that fruit after what feels like forever the flesh is less crisp, less tart than you remember and instantly you are filled with an insatiable craving for the memory of that apple before because when you realize that your memory was simply an airbrushed version you desperately want to go back to that time where somehow everything seemed simpler. 

  All of this is a lame attempt at an artsy analogy to explain the second lesson I learned on my vacation. 

I learned that abstaining leads to dreaming and craving and that our dreams never match up to the real thing. very rarely the flesh exceeds expectation but mostly we are left with a profound sense of disappointment and a collection of past memories which suddenly seem so much simpler. But there is a comfort in this.

  On my vacation I went to visit an old friend someone who I have always been very connected to it had been a few years since we had seen each other since then I had come out, recovered from anorexia and in general grown up. He had grown a few more inches bringing him far over his old height of 6'1 along with handling some big issues which aren't mine to discuss. He was my kindergarten husband and for those brief years when we lived nearby we were like siblings.We had seen each other sporadically in the few years since he had left and there had always been a KAPOW! connection. This year we lost that. Sure we had fun and it was lovely to see him but things were different.

When I left I didn't instantly miss him again and more than anything I wanted to have that perfect friend back in my life.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I've learned that saying is truer than one can ever imagine. But like I said before there is a comfort in this. In realizing that we have built someone into more than they are reminds us of limits and of humanity it's when we lose and mourn the loss of a larger than life figure that we see them for who they really are which is an ever changing,flawed,beautiful human being who maybe isn't the same person but then again neither are we.

So maybe these two new people can keep building their lives together.

Vacation Part One

It's been eighteen nights since I slept in my own bed. I've often imagined my future starving artist life in a dingy apartment sleeping on a futon or something. This vacation taught me that if I have to I will be sleeping on the street under a tarp but god damn it I will be sleeping on a good mattress with a feather pillow top.
If I have nothing I have a good nights sleep.
I'm going to do a few vacation posts so I can chronologically go through the various lessons I learned and the first one was that we need to remember how complex people are. When we spend our days surrounded by the same people we develop quick generalizations of them. So and so always cries or someone else just never stops singing. And sometimes these things are true. But nobody is a character in a film or television show. The complex idiosyncrasies that help to make up who we are can not be explained by a quick flashback scene or written off as comic relief. 
Someone won't stop making noise because they feel like they're never heard. Someone always cries because they can't stop their brain from over analysing things and their world really does come crashing down every five seconds.  
It's when we go beyond these two dimensional cardboard cut outs that we see people for who they really are and not the simplified version that we use to get through our day to day.
Because in the end it's easier for us to be right, to skim the surface , to be cool and detached and thoughtless. 
It's only when we dig a little deeper that we realize the people who we thought we were closest with are the ones that we really need to spend more time getting to know.  

Last night I held the largest social gathering I have ever held since probably my childhood birthday parties.

I'm not going to say how many people were there because then I would look like the biggest dork ever. Let me assure you though our small group made enough noise for a group of 20 to 40 people.

Last night was fun and wholesome and a great time to catch up before I go on vacation. 

Last night I learned a lot. I learned that my friends are incredible and I learned why I'm friends with them

Even at our darkest our most sarcastic and our downright meanest there is a light and an optimism inside of us that is always visible. There is a uniting force that keeps us together. I talk about balance all the time in this blog and yesterday was a real lesson in balance.

I learned that a good evening is made by balancing pure youthful energy ( for example waiting for a friend and practically jumping her when she arrives) and darker teenage sarcastic stuff. 

I learned that I don't want to put my friends second to just about anything but my family. I learned that I don't want to be with anyone who has a problem with that.

And I learned that when it's time to call it quits you just know. My venture into my first relationship was short and lukewarm. I had fun and it taught me what I wanted and what I don't want. I learned that what I want is someone who understands that I am neurotic, sarcastic, impulsive and cheap I want to be with someone who understands that my priorities (at least for now) are family friends and then relationship. I want to date someone like my friends because over these past (almost) two months I didn't feel what I feel when I'm with my best friends. In the end the breakup was short and filled with long awkward silences and it was very very anticlimatic. But I remembered what I said to a friend a little while ago when asked about my relationship.
"It's a mix of falling and not falling of wanting and not wanting but I know that whatever happens it is important"
This is what growing up is. Taking chances being unsure and in the end learning.
It is through this that we become happier more intelligent self aware beings.
I hope.

Little sister, come and sit beside me, And we'll play a tune on this old piano

Today I learned that that though we don't get to choose our family we do get to choose how we interact with them.

In terms of friends I am reaching def con one here. You know cause most of the world seems to have vacations to enjoy jobs to work at or camps to attend.
Oops maybe I should of planned something other than walking my dog and watching buffy for this summer.
So right now it's me and the family. Well not really me and the family it's more like me and my younger sister. You know the one inspired this blog.
She's starting her freshman year at my high school come September and I'm excited for her. I realized though that seeing as my school is so tiny I will probably see her on a daily basis more than once. 
This is very scary. I haven't had to see my sister that much at school in five years.
eeks.
With the future looming terrifyingly and the present a monotonous seemingly never series of days I figured I might as well begin to get closer to my sister.
I learned that attitude is everything.
I learned that this lesson is something that we have to learn over and over again.
Every single day we are presented with challenging people and circumstances that give us the chance to break down barriers and we ignore them most of the time.
I can't say that these past few days have led to the dramatic change in my sister and my relationship and she still does things that make me want to push her down a set of stairs but who would she be if she didn't make me want to do that?
Family is important and they won't be here forever. You won't be here forever either. 
We need to make connections deeper than blood while we still can.

Everybody, everybody wants to love Everybody, everybody wants be to loved

Today I learned that we are incredibly lucky. Not in a wow I live in an incredible house in Canada and I have an education and loving parents thing (even though I am very very grateful for all that) but in a way that we need to stop judging our lives (in this case our social lives) by what the media shows us. I've often said that being a teenager is quite possibly the biggest rip off (and at times relief) because it is nothing like television,films,books  or even music tell us. You know as much as a homebody as I am I still feel the need to go out to do it all because as teenagers we're stuck between wanting to grow up and being so scared of getting old. We fear regret and we're taught that if we don't live our lives like the media shows us then we will have regret.

It makes sense because the point of the media is to sell us things and they sell us things by making us feel inadequate.

It's not right but it's true and it's only now that I would realize this.

My sister and I have been talking a lot lately and mostly it's started off complaining about the heat and then it turned to complaining about our lives, whether she's not totally happy with her current boyfriend or I'm bemoaning my social life. But just now I realized how great everything is. We see our friends enough, play a little work a little, date absolutely wonderful people, have lovely clothes and a lovely family. 

We don't have the drama of a television show and maybe our relationships aren't Naomily amazing but they have potential.

We have enough

We have more than enough

I'm happy I saw this as early as I did and I hope my sister can too.

you're such a freaking chauvinist...wait what does that mean again?

This past two weeks I have learned two things. The first is very brief. That is that heatwaves are the best possible learning enviroments and that the best way to expand your mind is of course not through drugs but through picking a topic a week and reading as much as you can about it. This week for fiction was male coming of age stories and non fiction was an intro to modern feminism.
So onto the bigger stuff.
Which ties into the shorter stuff. This week the book that realy stood out was Female Chauvinist Pigs : Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture. The book dealt with everything from the boi subculture of the modern LGBT community to how thongs are marketed to ten and twelve year old girls. What it really all tied into though was the fact that women are considered unequal to men and a lot of women will do absolutely anything to be equal. Women put the same ammount of work (if not more) at the office and they want to be in on the celebration whether it's a cigar or a trip to a strip club. This book gave me some basic background on feminism and helped me understand where I fit in.
I learned that most movements (especially those involving women) are stereotyped into radicals or used as a quick excuse to basically do whatever you want (especially be sexually promiscous in the name of feminism) (god I'm using a lot of brackets today).
I have been reminded that things marketed to women are usually dismissed. Things like fashion or feminism or staying home to raise kids are seen as things of less value.
I have  been reminded that sometimes we need to make our own values and that they will occasionally (or often) contradict what society tells us and as long as what we believe is not hateful towards others than that's okay. 
What I like about Feminism is that it raises a million questions for me. Like do I really believe that as Robin Morgan said "Porn is the theory rape is the practice" ? 
I don't have an answer for that yet I guess I'm somewhere in the middle.
Summer is a time for questions and answers but most importantly it is a time for learning and searching.