it's like totally the latest thing though I didn't expect you to have it

Well for a few short weeks there I had formspring. 

In case you are unaware formspring.me is this website where people ask you anonymous questions.

Yes it sounds stupid but humans want to know what other people think of them.

Especially teenagers - we know that we are our own worst critics but we want confirmation of that. We want the good the bad and the ugly. 

From this I've learned that I put a good face forward. I don't cause drama and I think people like me for that. And their comments reflect that like or at least moderate amount of respect.

I've learned once again that I don't want to be the kind of girl who is definable. We spend so much of our lives trying to find out who the hell we are that it's easy to give into labels. We can be the weird dresser, or the singer, or the drama maker or the jock or the queer.

But what if that's not all?

I found that people tried to define me a lot while asking formspring questions, as if I spent all my time contemplating one part of me. Things that just are. 

I guess that I need to learn to show more sides of myself or maybe accept the fact that there will be a public me and until my world gets a little more diverse it'll be a pretty narrow picture.

And I guess I have to be okay with that for a while because I'm happier now. I am myself. The rest of the world will figure that out soon enough right?
Liking ourselves as a whole is often difficult, we should at least learn to like one of our "selves". 
We're approaching the blogoversary really soon. I don't know if anyone will respond but I would love to hear any ideas you have for a one year post!

Dress Rehearsals

Ever since the smash hit Glee hit the airwaves the world has fallen in love with choir, and show tunes. I of course being the perpetual geek loved this stuff anyways , I'm the band geek, the choir nerd. Glee has provided me with the moments that I dream of. You know the one's where you are singing and suddenly the stage lights come up and it's just you on that stage and it could be just you on this planet and you don't care because this is your moment.
Well I never thought I would get one of those but I did.
It happened accidentally. We were practicing in the gym and they were setting up stage lights for tomorrow's concert and it just happened that the gym lights were turned off and the lovely glowy stage lights came up just as my solo started.
It was here that the lesson hit me. 
First of all I had never wanted anything more badly in my life than this solo (it's the female one). So I worked and I got it. So I guess that's a lesson but I'm sure you read the little engine that could at least once during your childhood.
What I really learned today is that we need to learn to lose ourselves.
There will be things that we can never do alone but that we have to. Things like solo's or making tough decisions about your own future. 
So we have to tell ourselves to take a back seat. We have to get rid of everything inside of us that is scared or worried or unsure.
It's funny because when we lose ourselves if only for a few minutes (or bars of music) we arrive back into our bodies slightly different. It's a tiny change but it's for the best and it pushes us towards the day that we won't have to lose ourselves anymore.

I channeled Mercedes Jones by the way. Give me her over Rachel Berry any day. 

She was the still point of the turning world

This weekend I learned a few things. I was reminded of the fact that I am the kind of person who likes the indoors. I learned that there are some "teenage milestones" that are quite underwhelming. For example drinking and wandering outside. 

Really if you haven't done it yet you can just skip that one. 

Unless of course you are into bug bites and cramped spaces and public parking lots.

Which some people are so more power to you.

But in a strange way I'm happy that I did this.

I've learned that experimenting is important. Being safe while experimenting is of course one of the more important parts of that lesson but it's easy to forget that  old saying "You're only young once". 

Balance,moderation these are the things that are supposed to lead us to a happy life. And we often go to extremes. We want to be very very good and if we can't we often go for very very bad. Even though I didn't really enjoy that night there were fun moments. Sitting on an old friend's lawn and laughing or sitting by the lake in silence, there is something nice about being, about trying.

We need to remember to try. Because that is how we get out of ourselves. And even if we learn that we are much happier back within ourselves we have learned something.

That's worthwhile. 

So the universe seems to be against my blogging.

So yesterday I learned that when falling off a horse one must always try to avoid falling on their shoulder.

Cause you break your collarbone.

And that is the end of that. 

This means that posting is going to be a bit infrequent because I can type with only one hand and that is incredibly infuriating.

Yesterday I also learned about people and bonding. It's funny because the thing about getting to know people is that you are rarely conscious of it.  Because maybe you are the kind of person who is always seen in the background of the cast photos, always reading a book but always listening. It sometimes takes months for you to realize that you have somehow gotten to know these people. A quick chat backstage, a friendly greeting sometime during the week. You all are sharing a common experience,giving birth to something bigger than yourselves.
I learned that it's easy to ignore this. That it's easy to decide that you are a separate piece because that frees you from the responsibility.
I'm not saying that through these experiences you are making these people your new best friends but I am saying that we all need to take a moment and see how much we have changed. See what we have let into our lives.
And be grateful.
And care.

Opening Night It's opening night! It's our latest show will it flop or will it go?

Remember way back in the day when I  posted about auditioning for the play?
Well if you can't tell from the title it is opening night. And I guess we could call this the first ever lessons for my sister liveblog. I'm on my lovely friend Peter's laptop. Because this is a liveblog I don't really know where this is going but this feels like the right thing to do.

Which brings me to lesson number one
Sometimes you have to go with your gut. From attempting a liveblog to picking that slightly more difficult song for the spring concert to well being in the school play there are always going to be things that are a little different or a little scary. And that's when we go with our gut. We stop, we think and we go with instinct number one refusing to acknowledge the stupid second thoughts that threaten to consume us.

Today I learned about letting go. As I write this people run over scenes and practice blocking and touch up false eyelashes and yell at other cast members for touching their flashlight and the room is a mess and well it's general chaos. But the curtain is going to go up in nine minutes and there will be nothing we can do. The show must go on right? Though I'm sure we all harbour the fear that things will go so wrong that the show will not go on. So as type I am surrounded by what looks to be simply a group of people gone mad. Or as we like to call ourselves actors.

Today I was reminded of commitments. We live in a world that discredits commitment. It's not really expected anymore.We should aim for total commitment but there is this understanding that In play related news the actors have just left for their posistions on stage. Four minutes and counting. Cue that Madonna song getting stuck in my head. It's been months of work all for this. Seven shows. Which seems like a lot now that I type it. But I guess all we can do is take this thing one show at time. One act at a time. One scene as a time.  Scenes that have been run over and over and over
and over again. 


  And we got this. I keep telling myself that we got this. Six minutes behind schedule we were just told (quite politely) to shut up. They're telling the audience (politely) to shut up and the swingle singers are playing in the backround. That music reminds me of the million times I've heard it played. The million times I've sang along to it in rehersals. I never thought that I would invest this much time or learn to care so much about this thing. I guess that this is like the rest of my life. Investing time, making commitments and starting to love well...whatever it is. Babies, spouses, hopefully jobs. I know that I'm doing a lot of expanding here but you know I've had a lot of time to think about my future lately.

  Our first laugh. It's followed by another...and another. Now they're clapping. Apperently there are'nt many people out there but I don't care. If this is the rush I get out of someone else's applause I know that the real deal will be brilliant.


It was.


This is late but the lessons have had a chance to sink in.
Can something as insignificant as three boring,commonplace lines change you?
Answer:
Yes.

Calling out for extra help You've got to let me in Or let me out

Today I learned that sometimes we need to let go. If you're socially awkward like I am it's easy to develop a formula when you are talking to someone. Especially when it's someone you don't usually talk to. Especially when it seems so easy to be negative or try to be witty and pithy (which usually ends with you falling flat on your face). But I've learned that sometimes you have to let go of all the anxiety that rushes around in your head and actually focus on the conversation because when you're so caught up in saying the right thing you're not really listening.

And the things you listen to are surprising and interesting and funny and at the risk of sounding super lame I would said that the things you hear can be enlightening.

Today I was reminded that there is a whole other world outside of me and that it is just as important to the people inside of it as my world is to me.

I learned that every once and a while you need to remind yourself that the world revolves around the sun not you. It sounds weird and clichéd but it's true. We get so caught up in ourselves,our emotion, our world that we forget the six and a half billion people out there. Or the eight hundred in our school or the five in our family.

Have a real conversation today, have one with someone outside your world. 

Study up cause there's a big test coming up and it's called the rest of our lives.

Because Happy is What Happens When All Your Dreams Come True.

Sorry for not posting for almost a whole month! Things have been slow lately in terms of learning lessons and fast in terms of school and life in general. But lucky for you cyberspace I've learned some big lessons lately. 
Today I learned that sometimes you get exactly what you want. Everything that you have been doing in order to reach that one goal has worked. You've crossed the finish line.
And it's terrible. 
I've learned that nothing ever works out the way we script it as. If we want a clean break we imagine others will only agree with us. As human beings (teenagers especially) we're selfish. If we want something we hope , we expect that everyone will just go along with us. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't , disagreeing is practically guaranteed. And sometimes you win.
And it hurts.
I've learned that we don't always know what's best for ourselves. We want to. We want to be the one in charge, the one who knows everything about ourselves and our interests (god help you if you've had therapy because that just assures you that there is NOTHING you don't know about yourself. ) Sometimes we have to listen to what other people are saying. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems inconsequential or stupid or just wrong.
You have to listen because otherwise you hear it and you react to it and you don't let it hit you. It won't hit you until hours days or weeks later. 
Sometimes all these things hit you at once and all you can do is go into autopilot until you can get home sit in that chair by the window and think.
You have think until you know what to say. 
Now that's left is to hope that someone will listen.




PS. Sorry for the emotional teenage post. What can I say I'm an emotional teenager today and I just needed to post. 
I'm going to be trying to post daily for a while. That means shorter but hopefully more quality posts.
Quality and quantity! Who would have thought!
On a happier note here is one of my favourite webcomics. It's incredibly addicting. 
QC