Measure In Love

New years resolution : blog more! Actually I made a bunch more but those are boring. So I won't get into them.
On new years eve I had a terrible babysitting job but when the child and dog were asleep  (and I stopped cowering in a corner) I read a book and listened to my ipod. And the song I kept going back to was seasons of love from rent.
I've always loved this song and it's always been one of those songs that speaks to me.
But this year I heard it differently. 
See last year I wrote myself an email which was delivered yesterday. It made me think about the hopes I had for last year when I wrote it and then my mind first went to all the times I screwed up. I thought about the fights and the snide comments and the terrible outfits. But as the song swelled I did what the song was telling me to do.
I remembered the love.
I remembered how after the fights there was the reconciliation and how things got better because finally the things that needed to be said were said.
I remember that for every snide comment I felt a little regret and I said something good.
There were failures but the triumphs had a greater impact.
For every selfish relationship there were real whole ones.
For every terrible outfit there was a good one.
2010 was a year filled with love.
So I resolve for all of us to measure in love and laughter not strife.
A year is composed of five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.
Many of those will be minutes of strife.
But we have to remember the love.

Still I Just Want Back In Your Head

Today I learned that sometimes you need to get back inside your own head.
There are dangers in living too much inside your own world, you start to forget the people around you. But sometimes you need to retreat. Last night was my Christmas concert and the general feedback that I got from the audience was that they have never seen me that happy. And I can believe that. But I think that it was more then seeing how happy I was I think what everyone saw was more of "me" then I've ever shown. I felt like my body ceased to exist and all anyone could see was my insides , not the blood and guts and stuff but your real insides the ones that only come out when you lose yourself to something greater than you are.
In small doses this is good but it is tiring and it's hard. So sometimes you need to leave the crowd, put on your headphones go for a walk to nowhere, look at some pretty things and read a book. Think about everything, think about nothing make a commitment not to talk or listen to anything around you just be. When you come back everything will be just as you left it but you will be a little different. Because it's easier to let go when you know you can always come back.

There Are No Legible Signs

Oh my god my last post was in October!
Wow I'm feeling neglectful.
Little sister I just read your blog. I said because it was on the internet I could and now you will probably read mine. Which is good because this post is for you. Personally I've already learned this but you need to hear it tonight.
People are going to break your heart. They are going to grab it stomp on it kick you in the stomach then shake your hand and walk away.
Be selfish. Demand that you get closure in the healthiest way you can.
Talk.
Cry.
Laugh.
Eat some good food or go for a run or have a Buffy marathon or hug your dog or sleep in your big sisters bed like you used to when you were so tiny.
Know that as much as everyone tells you how unimportant this is in the grand scheme of things (I must also now mention that this heartbreak is highly unimportant in the grand scheme of things) right now it hurts. a lot.
And it's supposed to. Because this is going to happen again in varying degrees a hell of a lot more times. And you are going to do this to people because that is how life works.
So here in these early days of real relationships and real breakups you learn. You learn when to speak and when to be silent, you learn about taking sides and the importance of friendship.
Even when you feel at your weakest remember you are strong.
And everything will be okay.
So take a few deep breathes, read some poetry , hell write some sad poems in your journal.
Just know that this is the first night and it will probably be a long one.
But the sun will rise, the darkness will be just a little brighter.
And you have a sister who loves you.

Park That Car, Drop That Phone,Sleep On The Floor, Dream About Me.

Last year I turned sixteen. So I guess all logic following I would expect to turn seventeen this year. But you know something? It really threw me for a loop. It feels like I've been living in this ageless state which I guess happens as you try and figure out where you belong. I've been trying to figure out what seventeen is supposed to "be" I've been reading and listening to songs and watching films but I still don't know. Sixteen had all these shiny happy expectations but seventeen seems a little more somber. But here's the thing. We feel disillusioned when things aren't as good as we thought they would be but what about when we go into something with low expectations? Seventeen has been sold to me as a hard year where you keep trying to catch up with what life throws at you but I don't want that and I know that can't really be it just like I knew everything wasn't going to fall into place just because I was sixteen. This year has the possibility to be everything and I'm not just going to resign to a year of stress and angst.
In searching for expectations and answers I've learned that you have to make your own and resign to the fact that the future always has been and always will be a mystery. We don't get to control whether that love will be reciprocated or get cast for that roll or find that dress in your size. That's how it goes and maybe we could do so much more if we stopped looking for signs and clues and hidden meanings in simple things. Maybe we could go with our gut and fall down a bit more but have more time to pick ourselves up. We walk on, we end up somewhere and as long as we keep a good head our shoulders then we'll be in a good place. Another year will have passed and there will be more lessons.

YOU BELONG

This is what I have learned especially since coming out.

YOU BELONG

There is a place for you. In your school, your place of worship, your family, your friends, your workplace, your town or country. Things sometimes will suck and you will feel like you don't belong but there is always a place for you. There are better places and sometimes there are worse places but right here right now? You have a place and a value and a reason to be here just as much as anyone else. Why? Because you are alive. Because you have talents and gifts and insights and hopes and dreams. Even if you had none of those you would still belong and have worth. Just because of the simple fact that you were born. Nobody can take that away from you. They will try and some days you might believe them so you will try to. 

I've been told that in the not so distant future that "it" will get better. Never forget that the near future will get better too. There are people who love you , every part of you even the dark parts you keep locked inside they will love and you will learn to love these things too.

No matter what though remember you belong. Carve out a place for yourself in the world and make a mark. Surround yourself with loving people and march onward. Life is never going to be easy but god it can be incredible.

Thanks

It's Canadian Thanksgiving! I like ours because there is more space between the giant food fests of the winter holidays and thanksgiving. I need space in-between or I'll blow up. And that would be terrible. 

Have you ever made a list of what you are thankful for? I've learned that this can change your perspective on just about everything. The bad things seem smaller and the good things even larger. So here we go...

I am thankful for......

My family, my sisters and my parents are a constant source of support,drama,love and laughter. Nothing is ever perfect but I am reminded that my family though constantly changing is there for me no matter what. Not a lot of people can say that.

My house. I have a room of my own and a kitchen and a computer and a tv and a whole library. It's a tiny house by rich suburban standards but a freaking palace by most of the worlds standards.

My Thanksgiving dinner.It is vegetarian,organic and incredibly delicious. I have access to foods that meet my ethical and health standards and so many people don't have healthy food or don't have food period.

My friends. They are hilarious,trusting,funny,interesting,talented and overall incredible people. I don't know how they made it into my life but they did and I don't know what I would do without them.

My various forms of technology. I think I use it for the best purposes (mostly for writing and reading but also for funny viral videos). I don't know what I would do without my ipod and internet connection. Addiction? maybe but I guess I'm grateful that I'll never be cut off.


My education. I don't go to a private school and I'm stuck taking terrible religion courses but you know what? Some of these teachers I will remember for the rest of my life and they're giving me the tools to escape the evil institution they are employed by. Also I'm a girl and I'm getting a kick ass education.


We're all pretty lucky. Some of us have more and some have less but there is always something to be thankful for and something to love.
We're always searching for improvement and that is great because it's how we grow. But sometimes we just need to take a breather to look at how much we already have.

We Now Return To Our Normal Programming.

Last night I did something that I was really scared to do and it ended up working out exactly as I thought it would - badly. But you know what? In doing what I was so scared of I got over it. In the end things are mostly internal. It's not the love that we crave it's the struggle. Unrequited love is not fun but you know what is? Analysing the situation and imagining conversations and being angsty and self involved. We feel a little deeper and a little more tortured like a character in a novel or something. Everyone wants to be taken seriously and love sometimes seems to be the most serious thing of all. But in confessing, in fulfilling the things we were so scared of we learn something. We learn that there are more important things in live then faint possibilities and that once something is out in the open it's different. Once that internal monologue goes external suddenly it seems lighter and simpler and easier to get over. 

And so you do.

And even when things should seem darker they seem a little lighter.

And you feel a little smarter.

And life resumes it's normal programming.