Monday, October 26, 2009


I turned sixteen a few days ago. It was at it's best anticlimactic but according to television, movies and books I should rapidly change to the appearance of a 20 year old and be thrown into a variety of complex and adult situations.
I get sick a lot and I watch a lot of degrassi when I am sick.
But moving on to a point and I'm sure I'll find one eventually. I was thinking about growing up as per usual and all the scary things it can involve. For instance public transit....during a the dark. But you have to take public transit so you can get home,get sushi,go to a play. All of which are fun experiences. I was thinking about the past because I thought about the future. I was thinking about what makes us up as people mostly because of this Starbucks boy who had a voice like a 60's sitcom secretary. I wondered if it was because of his feminine voice that he acted so feminine or he had a feminine voice because of his actions. Then he spoke in a typical male voice to my friend by accident and my deep thoughts were shattered. In the end though it all came down to my tiny 16 years of experience. All the change and all the same. So I made a list

1. Being able to talk like Anne of green gables. Not the optimism sappy crap but the large vocab descriptive stuff. I think we all lost a lot of our urge to learn things, maybe it's cause we don't want to admit that we are young and still have so much to learn.
2. I miss the children's library because that meant I could go to the adult section and feel amazed and grown up. Now I can't really go anywhere to feel grown up. I'm taller than all the shelves even without heels.
3.I miss the ease of making friends. That disappeared a long time ago. You could see someone with a my little pony you liked and that was it. Instant bond. We can all get so paranoid and cold that we reject others.
4.I miss being able to do childish things without feeling childish or looking around. I sometimes partake in these activities but in the end I am anxious and can't let go.
5. I miss field trips and bus buddies and mandatory trips to the museum.
6. I miss time going slowly. I'm halfway through a semester and thats scary.

1. Not being heard. I just got involved with my local MPP and I feel mature and heard. For the first time I don't have to scream and jump to get attention somehow I have been iniatied to the yes you do get to speak club.
2. The confinements of recess. I want to go behind the trees and dig in the dirt making a series of canals and a clay mine. Deal with it.
3.Science Class. I have an infinite amount of respect for anyone who does anything related to science and math. Except for those who teach it you sadists.
4.Long school days. At this point in my life the idea of getting out of school at 3:30 is terrifying.
5. Bad/ Scary/Violent childrens movies from the 80's on VHS that we had to watch on our special movie days because that is all the teachers owned. Enough said.
6. Being stuck in a classroom all day with the same teacher. I crave movement and since my school is a scattered mess of portables this is very beneficial.

1. Cafeteria Food. It makes the whole school/ hallway that is left of the school smell like the inside of the deep fryer at KFC.
2. The cliques. There are people at my school who terrify me and they shouldn't but the fact is that all of us have spent years creating reputations (or having them made). Sometimes it feels like we are all stuck in these tiny boxes and until we graduate we'll never get out.
3. Math Class
4.The whole relationship thing. There are so few people who are mature enough for a real relationship and most people end up with + poor body image and -virginity/self respect. It's really sad.
5. The absolute un PC ness of everyone. Honestly I cannot wait until I am surrounded by middle aged yuppie people obsessed with being PC. The rampant homophobia,sexism and racism that is screamed through the average high school hallway is painful.
6. The obsessive need to be older than we are. I can't say if I'm pro underage drinking or a total straight edge. I honestly don't have that much experience.
ummm... let me think...But really.
1.Making friends because you like the person not just because of convenience. I came from an elementary school with 30 kids in my year. There was a lot of convenience friends. Now me and my friends actually share interests,beliefs all those things that are important.
2.Rotary. Being as completely unable to focus on anything as I am, having to get up and go learn a new subject halfway across a former football field is a god send.
3.Being able to leave during lunch. Last year after socializing me and my friend went harolding almost every day. It was refreshing.
4.Clubs like band and choir which give a nerdy light to my life on slow days. Though this also goes into the wish would go away category because sometimes you get trapped in clubs that you no longer want to be in because you feel they are corrupt but you can't leave cause the director is your teacher and you want to do well.
5.The fact that it is a four year period which rockets you into adulthood. Or so I have been promised.
6.The fact that you get to choose thing that you love and such things result in infinite moments singing Beatles songs in your drama classroom. Moments like this can be scary because you realize that maybe you don't want to grow up as much as you thought you did and maybe you could stand another four years of high school. Then the bell rings and a football player who has never even been taught the abstract concept of showering bumps into you and your deep thoughts are shattered.

But I'm starting to figure out that maybe life doesn't have to be about deep thoughts or trying to get somewhere with something.
I'm sure that we'll all get this concept of balance worked out.

ps a friend of mine has a new blog and she is about six times more eloquent and six times less sheltered then I am. Check it out!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I'm Getting To Love My Freedom

So this is all about the play. Unfortunately I cannot create a Shakespearian take on this and talk about how all the world's a stage. That would just end up being sad. Instead I start with a definition


[aw-dish-uhn] –noun
The process of throwing yourself out there into the judging eyes of the populace. There is no kidding yourself that the people are not judging you as that is the whole goal. Tension is guaranteed and if you do not have at least one screwup you should not mention this perfect audition to others because you will be met with jealousy and hatred. I am talking to you talented drama kid. You know who you are.
Also I hope that the sound bite works. If so I hope you share my belief that whoever that guy is he is the coolest guy ever.
Back to the play. Well I made it in! Two lines but all the perks of being a cast member. Life is good. Auditions get you thinking. They are scary but necessary. A lot like everything really. Scary things are important. Because there is no way that you can grow up without assessment. Because you need to evaluate others and most importantly yourself. We separate the good from the crap. We give things second chances and sometimes we brush things off at the first glance. We hold stuff in. We always let it out somehow eventually. This is the scary part because the an audition is always going to be analyzing not necessarily judging but analyzing. Maybe thats just me. We put on a good front. We learn our lines, play situations out in our heads and finally we write our names on the signup sheet. The lights go up and it's time for the dialog the monologue the dance. We'll never know the directors notes but we know we've been heard.
In the end I call that a success.

Also as you can see from my title I am battling a God Help The Girl obsession. Check them out. Totally Kick Ass.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Sebastian wrote his diary that. He would never be young again

Recently as my friends have found out that I have a blog (Not that I am telling them the url I like my secret world). They've began to ask questions about what I blog about and if I ever mention them. I started thinking about why I didn't want my real world people to see my blog and I figured out that maybe I was a little scared about being judged and a lot more scared about how they would perceive my online "persona".
Persona's are fun and being able to go online and become the person that you really would like to be. The fact is that the "real world" calls for us to be a lot more jaded or cynical. Often it's fun having a commentary running in your head but I don't think that I or anyone else can ever grow as a person if they don't have some way to step back and see the big picture.
Thats what I answer when people ask about my blog now. I don't want to sound preach or give away crucial googleable details about my blog so I say.
It's all about seeing the big picture. Taking the everyday stuff we don't think about and seeing how it all fits into life.
Breaking out of my super selfish and not at all advice giving or lessony post. I guess what I am trying to say is that sarcasm is fun optimism helps us grow.
Eventually we'll hit that perfect balance...somehow.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

What your cheering for the 15 year old mediocre singer? Scream for the 81 year old man!!

Yesterday I had the chance to go this concert/conference called me to we. Or they called it "We Day" but like the rogers centre(For you non Canadians it's a sports stadium in Toronto that was formerly called the sky dome and I will always call it that). Anyways... it was run by free the children which is a pretty cool organization. I wasn't a huge fan of Justin Beiber or surprise guests the Jonas Brothers but ELI WEISEL WAS THERE
He wrote this book called
Night which I consider on of the most influential books I have ever read. I hope to find a picture of me having my fan girl explosion later but I have been too lazy to upload pictures.
So...I guess I need to get to my point.
The day was empowering it was eclectic and electric. It makes you want to do more. I guess that is my point. That you can see everything that is terrible in the world and you can sit and cry (which sometimes you do need to do) or you can sit down and say HOW CAN I CHANGE THIS? Sometimes we like to throw money at a cause and hope that it will go away but really we need to get out there and do something. This day made me not only question myself as an activist but it made me question myself as a person. How often do we see the big issue get scared and do something small?
Big issues call for big solutions sometimes.
I have more stories to tell but I am trying to keep one story to one post so there will probably be multiple posts today.