tick tock

Around this time last year I started talking about dating and relationships. I thought I was figuring them out and was hoping I could get some good lessons on such a tricky topic. Those series of posts were later followed up with a post about how people lie. So I guess I though I didn't have the best experience ( or really any experience) I learned something.
Timing is weird. Sometimes I imagine a higher power just sitting at a board game ,drinking and just going "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING MEAN TO THAT PUPPY. NO LOVE LIFE FOR YOU"
Maybe that's a bit blasphemous.
Anyways what I am saying is that this week I learned to wait.
Time moves like it is on it's own schedule. Sometimes minutes feel like hours and other times you blink and a few months have past. But time is always there and in time we grow. We have time to search and time to find. There is always enough time for things to sneak up on us whether it's assignments or people or chances. Sometimes we make them sometimes we don't.
In a year I've learned that time doesn't have to depend on anything or anyone. Time passes no matter who we are with or what we are doing. I learned that time doesn't just have to be passed but can be used and grabbed ,harnessed for us.
Time is a tool. 
Time is a friend.
Time is running out and soon time will become more fluid and much less readable. 
Summer time. 
I'm scared by how similar this post is to my previous "starting summer" post but I'm different now.

She was the still point of the turning world

This weekend I learned a few things. I was reminded of the fact that I am the kind of person who likes the indoors. I learned that there are some "teenage milestones" that are quite underwhelming. For example drinking and wandering outside. 

Really if you haven't done it yet you can just skip that one. 

Unless of course you are into bug bites and cramped spaces and public parking lots.

Which some people are so more power to you.

But in a strange way I'm happy that I did this.

I've learned that experimenting is important. Being safe while experimenting is of course one of the more important parts of that lesson but it's easy to forget that  old saying "You're only young once". 

Balance,moderation these are the things that are supposed to lead us to a happy life. And we often go to extremes. We want to be very very good and if we can't we often go for very very bad. Even though I didn't really enjoy that night there were fun moments. Sitting on an old friend's lawn and laughing or sitting by the lake in silence, there is something nice about being, about trying.

We need to remember to try. Because that is how we get out of ourselves. And even if we learn that we are much happier back within ourselves we have learned something.

That's worthwhile. 

it's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood

It snowed

and snowed

and snowed

and snowed today (though not in time to call it a snow day)

So after a long long long day at school I made an apology,ate a cookie and went for a walk bringing along my trusty SLR. As I pretended to cross country ski by sliding on the icy roads, fed my dog baloney so he would actually let me walk him (instead of him walking me) and took pictures I realized something.

God my neighbourhood is gorgeous.

I live in a town with 217 year old houses. They are expensive and gorgeous and by the lake and every time I bike down there I am very very jealous.

I'm in the "starter" neighbourhood and very happy there but it's not often you look at a brick 1960's bungalow and go "Wow! What an incredible looking house!" But with the sun setting, a blanket of snow falling around me and just the right mix of tunes I saw real beauty. I realized that this is the house where I grew up. My kindergarten fiancée lived around this corner. I caught a crayfish in this creek. I fell on my rollerblades here. I've laughed lived and loved here. It's not anything fancy but on every street there is something magical whether it is the giant tree with a branch that runs perfectly horizontal. In a world where houses are packed onto lots so small one can only take two steps onto concrete before hitting their fence. I get to live with an expansive garden and established plant life.

Though I think the real lesson is this

Love your neighbourhood. Go take pictures. Remember that this will always be "home" because this is where you grew up. You will come back and the tree's will seem a little less tall your neighbour's garden a little less lush and the playground will be a little less maintained but you will have pictures.

You will have memories.

You will have your childhood forever preserved by a street sign.

I had to use a Mr.Roger's quote. That was such a quintessential part of my childhood. Mr. Roger's is home too.

Prooouuddd Proud to be Proud to see (this moment demands a tegan and sara song)

It's been a crazy three days. I've learned that discrimination is out there,ignorance is out there. Well I knew that but I don't think that I really understood what it felt like. I'm white and middle class living in liberal suburbia. But of course there will always be people who don't share my views...loudly. These views can be scary they can be offensive and in my mind they are wrong(but who am I to judge?). I know that people go through stuff like this every day. That discrimination or hatred is something that we will all experience and something we have to deal with.

I have been reminded though that I am a child. I can fight like an adult, I can speak like an adult but I am a child in this I realize that I should not have to feel the need to fight with adults every day.

So what do we do? For no matter how "average" my sister is she will experience some form of discrimination or belittlement.

Well we have a few options we can stay and fight, we can duck our heads down and hope for the best or we can get out.

You know sometimes despite our (my) innate stubbornness the smartest thing is to get out.

So I changed my schedule and since that 1:45 meeting with guidance I've had a massive smile on my face that nothing (not even the cooking class I know have to take) can wipe it off. I made my points I stood up for myself and what I believe in. I did all i could and maybe I didn't last long but I lasted long enough.

Now I'm going to keep myself safe because it is my right to feel safe where I learn.

I can handle that.

PS If your ever interested in the photography/less composed musings/musical tastes that I throw out onto the internet my tumblr is the place for that.

This is It

I started writing this blog near the end of my grade 10 year. Wow that seems so long ago already. Summer has a way of aging people... or at least making time stretch out into infinity.

I've had a lot of trouble writing this post. I feel like I have a responsibility to my few but wonderful readers to finish up my summer reflecting and being profound all packed into one superamazing end of summer post. Maybe I just put too much pressure on myself.

I wrote a list of goals for my summer and I was happy with it. In fact up until I started writing..I had every intention of copying and pasting that list into a new post and simply checking off what I had accomplished.

But then I realized.

Life doesn't have a report card.

Life is not about lists that we hold onto and then look back on with regret missing the good stuff. In the end life and accomplishments are measured by "Done" lists not "To Do" lists.

What is on these lists doesn't matter because with a little bit of effort you can find growth and beauty and something worthwhile in it all.

This is the most important lesson of the summer.

So without further ado

MY DONE LIST

Learned how to see and capture beauty with a film camera.

Sometimes updated my blog.

Wrote poetry and short stores.

Bought and wore beautiful clothing found a way to love my swimsuited body

Learned to rollerblade

Rollerbladed and Yoga'd regulary.

Experimented with new foods.

Saw friends

Said goodbye

Grew Up

Was brave

Accepted change and created some of my own

Worked on precious few guitar skills.

Even further expanded my musical spectrum.

Discovered.

This summer was was hard at times easy at others.

Always unpredictable, Always routine,Always new, Always old, Always sad, Always happy,Always hello's, Always goodbye's.

Always Learning.

Dreaming of the time when you are free from all the trouble you're in

Sorry for not updating in what feels like so long! So I combined one draft and one new lesson into a borderline sermon on discovery in the summertime.

Today I learned about "accomplishments" and how often we forget what they really are.

Summer "time" kicked in and I was shocked to find out that today was a Wednesday. That kind of scares me I don't want summer to slip by ala Arthur's "The Short Quick Summer"

But despite my qualms I am learning the joys of laziness. I've found a way to kill my internal clock and now can easily wake up at 10:00. This is important. So much of the time it feels like we are all under the gun. I'm all for one living life to the fullest like every day was my last etc etc.

I'm figuring out that summer doesn't have to be defined by how many people I hang out with or parties or events or anything like that. I can be a total recluse for days and then just go play tennis at the local courts and buy Dora the explorer Popsicles. That writing summer to do lists can be motivating and fun but often all a day needs is a new playlist,a good library book and shade in your favorite hammock. And that wraps up early summer lesson one.

Today I learned about friendships...and irony.

Today taught me that sometimes even when we are so convinced that were going to have one friend forever. Perhaps even remarking on this the morning before you see the other person,but maybe while sitting by the lake you realize.

"I'm outgrowing you"

And you don't want this,nobody wants it. But I think you really truly actually grow up the day you say "I don't care about growing up". I've never been one to judge and whatever illegal activities my teenage friends will involve themselves in I'm okay with that. But it's this absolute race to finish line of adulthood that scares me.

My friends call me a 40 year old. I like "strange music" Which by the way check out check Ohbijou and Regina Spektor they both have newish albums out and they are amazing!

But I think my most defining 40 year old quality is the fact that I am content where I am. I'm not searching for anything better I just want to try and learn as much as I can prepare yet live in the moment and live a great life full of contradictions and confusion and new experiences.

So I grow up, I grow down but in the end we all outgrow. The nice thing about the past though is that we never have to kill the memories. I will laugh at my grade 7 "I'm so dark and twisted lets wear lots of eyeliner and take it off before I go home"stage. I'll cry at the sad memories we shared I'll laugh at our moments of silliness. But in the end things aren't the same. I'm not the same and she is. We'll move on in our lives and we can thank each other for helping each other make it this far.

Summer makes me reflective it makes me melancholy at times but I am always learning.