Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Still I Just Want Back In Your Head

Today I learned that sometimes you need to get back inside your own head.
There are dangers in living too much inside your own world, you start to forget the people around you. But sometimes you need to retreat. Last night was my Christmas concert and the general feedback that I got from the audience was that they have never seen me that happy. And I can believe that. But I think that it was more then seeing how happy I was I think what everyone saw was more of "me" then I've ever shown. I felt like my body ceased to exist and all anyone could see was my insides , not the blood and guts and stuff but your real insides the ones that only come out when you lose yourself to something greater than you are.
In small doses this is good but it is tiring and it's hard. So sometimes you need to leave the crowd, put on your headphones go for a walk to nowhere, look at some pretty things and read a book. Think about everything, think about nothing make a commitment not to talk or listen to anything around you just be. When you come back everything will be just as you left it but you will be a little different. Because it's easier to let go when you know you can always come back.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

There Are No Legible Signs

visit counter for blogspotOh my god my last post was in October!
Wow I'm feeling neglectful.
Little sister I just read your blog. I said because it was on the internet I could and now you will probably read mine. Which is good because this post is for you. Personally I've already learned this but you need to hear it tonight.
People are going to break your heart. They are going to grab it stomp on it kick you in the stomach then shake your hand and walk away.
Be selfish. Demand that you get closure in the healthiest way you can.
Eat some good food or go for a run or have a Buffy marathon or hug your dog or sleep in your big sisters bed like you used to when you were so tiny.
Know that as much as everyone tells you how unimportant this is in the grand scheme of things (I must also now mention that this heartbreak is highly unimportant in the grand scheme of things) right now it hurts. a lot.
And it's supposed to. Because this is going to happen again in varying degrees a hell of a lot more times. And you are going to do this to people because that is how life works.
So here in these early days of real relationships and real breakups you learn. You learn when to speak and when to be silent, you learn about taking sides and the importance of friendship.
Even when you feel at your weakest remember you are strong.
And everything will be okay.
So take a few deep breathes, read some poetry , hell write some sad poems in your journal.
Just know that this is the first night and it will probably be a long one.
But the sun will rise, the darkness will be just a little brighter.
And you have a sister who loves you.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Park That Car, Drop That Phone,Sleep On The Floor, Dream About Me.

Last year I turned sixteen. So I guess all logic following I would expect to turn seventeen this year. But you know something? It really threw me for a loop. It feels like I've been living in this ageless state which I guess happens as you try and figure out where you belong. I've been trying to figure out what seventeen is supposed to "be" I've been reading and listening to songs and watching films but I still don't know. Sixteen had all these shiny happy expectations but seventeen seems a little more somber. But here's the thing. We feel disillusioned when things aren't as good as we thought they would be but what about when we go into something with low expectations? Seventeen has been sold to me as a hard year where you keep trying to catch up with what life throws at you but I don't want that and I know that can't really be it just like I knew everything wasn't going to fall into place just because I was sixteen. This year has the possibility to be everything and I'm not just going to resign to a year of stress and angst.
In searching for expectations and answers I've learned that you have to make your own and resign to the fact that the future always has been and always will be a mystery. We don't get to control whether that love will be reciprocated or get cast for that roll or find that dress in your size. That's how it goes and maybe we could do so much more if we stopped looking for signs and clues and hidden meanings in simple things. Maybe we could go with our gut and fall down a bit more but have more time to pick ourselves up. We walk on, we end up somewhere and as long as we keep a good head our shoulders then we'll be in a good place. Another year will have passed and there will be more lessons.

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010


This is what I have learned especially since coming out.
There is a place for you. In your school, your place of worship, your family, your friends, your workplace, your town or country. Things sometimes will suck and you will feel like you don't belong but there is always a place for you. There are better places and sometimes there are worse places but right here right now? You have a place and a value and a reason to be here just as much as anyone else. Why? Because you are alive. Because you have talents and gifts and insights and hopes and dreams. Even if you had none of those you would still belong and have worth. Just because of the simple fact that you were born. Nobody can take that away from you. They will try and some days you might believe them so you will try to. 
I've been told that in the not so distant future that "it" will get better. Never forget that the near future will get better too. There are people who love you , every part of you even the dark parts you keep locked inside they will love and you will learn to love these things too.
No matter what though remember you belong. Carve out a place for yourself in the world and make a mark. Surround yourself with loving people and march onward. Life is never going to be easy but god it can be incredible.

Sunday, October 10, 2010


It's Canadian Thanksgiving! I like ours because there is more space between the giant food fests of the winter holidays and thanksgiving. I need space in-between or I'll blow up. And that would be terrible. 
Have you ever made a list of what you are thankful for? I've learned that this can change your perspective on just about everything. The bad things seem smaller and the good things even larger. So here we go...
I am thankful for......

My family, my sisters and my parents are a constant source of support,drama,love and laughter. Nothing is ever perfect but I am reminded that my family though constantly changing is there for me no matter what. Not a lot of people can say that.
My house. I have a room of my own and a kitchen and a computer and a tv and a whole library. It's a tiny house by rich suburban standards but a freaking palace by most of the worlds standards.
My Thanksgiving dinner.It is vegetarian,organic and incredibly delicious. I have access to foods that meet my ethical and health standards and so many people don't have healthy food or don't have food period.

My friends. They are hilarious,trusting,funny,interesting,talented and overall incredible people. I don't know how they made it into my life but they did and I don't know what I would do without them.

My various forms of technology. I think I use it for the best purposes (mostly for writing and reading but also for funny viral videos). I don't know what I would do without my ipod and internet connection. Addiction? maybe but I guess I'm grateful that I'll never be cut off.

My education. I don't go to a private school and I'm stuck taking terrible religion courses but you know what? Some of these teachers I will remember for the rest of my life and they're giving me the tools to escape the evil institution they are employed by. Also I'm a girl and I'm getting a kick ass education.

We're all pretty lucky. Some of us have more and some have less but there is always something to be thankful for and something to love.
We're always searching for improvement and that is great because it's how we grow. But sometimes we just need to take a breather to look at how much we already have.

Friday, October 8, 2010

We Now Return To Our Normal Programming.

Last night I did something that I was really scared to do and it ended up working out exactly as I thought it would - badly. But you know what? In doing what I was so scared of I got over it. In the end things are mostly internal. It's not the love that we crave it's the struggle. Unrequited love is not fun but you know what is? Analysing the situation and imagining conversations and being angsty and self involved. We feel a little deeper and a little more tortured like a character in a novel or something. Everyone wants to be taken seriously and love sometimes seems to be the most serious thing of all. But in confessing, in fulfilling the things we were so scared of we learn something. We learn that there are more important things in live then faint possibilities and that once something is out in the open it's different. Once that internal monologue goes external suddenly it seems lighter and simpler and easier to get over. 
And so you do.
And even when things should seem darker they seem a little lighter.
And you feel a little smarter.

And life resumes it's normal programming. 

Monday, September 13, 2010

First Week (And a Day)

I meant to do a first day post but everything was moving so fast I could hardly gather my thoughts. So I guess this is a first week post. I've learned a bit in my first week but the biggest thing is that things get better, and by things I mean high school. I know that intelligence is an excellent thing and that nobody should try and hide it to be accepted or get someone to like them or whatever. In fact I've been preaching this since kindergarten. But we rarely talk about the flip side. The dangers of believing that we are superior. Good self esteem is awesome but we often fall into this trap that makes us believe we are the best. This isolates us, allows few the opportunity to discuss just about anything with us and lads to mega freakouts when the idea that we aren't the best sneaks up on us. I learned that people have important things to say and even if their vocabulary or reading lists aren't as extensive as mine they are valid and interesting and worth talking about. I wish I could say that this discovery was sparked by a lot of introspection and healthy self analysis but it was more of one of those seeing someone else doing something and then seeing myself in that person and kind of losing it due to shame. But in the end the lesson was learned and that is the important thing.
I think my next post will be on time management or perhaps overextending oneself because my whole plan to limit extracurriculars is crashing and burning. But in the meantime I'll try and keep learning and I hope that you are too. 

Saturday, September 4, 2010

I was hoping the train was my big number

Today I learned that anniversaries are important because they remind us not of the event but of the time passed. We are constantly experiencing milestones, important events that change who we are and how we see the world.  A while ago I posted about the sad realization that yes terrible things happen to very good people and today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of that terrible time. I think of how that person has grown and changed and survived and I think about how my perspective on the world has changed. But mostly I think of time.
In the end what is an anniversary? It's just a day that happens to be the same as something important and maybe something important will happen on this day of this year and maybe it won't. What is most important is the time in-between. The time where suddenly that day though always in the background maybe wasn't that important. The time where we grew and changed and learned and did not forget but learned how to deal. And we dealt. 
Anniversaries are a time to look back but only for a moment. Because instead of mourning (or celebrating) a day we can marvel in what we have accomplished in that in between time and be confident that the future will not only be the same but be better.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Leave all your loss and your longing behind you can't carry it with you if you want to survive.

Yesterday I spent hours cleaning my room. I went up into those top shelves of my closet where I had old diaries and the get well soon fake flowers with the messages written on them. I took all my clothes and ironed ,folded and culled the things I don't wear any more. I was thinking about how a person is defined by their things. From  style to economic situations we conform , we break free and we work for things. Here in the "developed" world we are a material culture, we consume , the throw away but most importantly we hold onto things. We keep so many unnecessary things that we can get lost in them. By holding onto old movie tickets, secret classroom notes or never sent letters we don't allow ourselves to move forward. Though I threw out so many physical reminders of past events,feelings or crushes the memories are still there. Some were good (though most were bad) and now they all seem a little more distant.
I learned that there are times in our live when the past and present disappear and we are left alone with a shaky present to keep us company. The last few days before my senior year have been like that for me and I don't know when I'll be back in the land of the living.
But what I do know is everything is clean. The drawers are organized and the school bag is packed with colour coordinated supplies and those are just the external thing. Inside seems to have undergone some pre fall cleaning too. Everything feels a little distant but the most important thing is that we will all catch up eventually.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Vacation Part Two

  Have you ever gone a long time without eating a certain food? Like an apple, and when you bite into that fruit after what feels like forever the flesh is less crisp, less tart than you remember and instantly you are filled with an insatiable craving for the memory of that apple before because when you realize that your memory was simply an airbrushed version you desperately want to go back to that time where somehow everything seemed simpler. 

  All of this is a lame attempt at an artsy analogy to explain the second lesson I learned on my vacation. 
I learned that abstaining leads to dreaming and craving and that our dreams never match up to the real thing. very rarely the flesh exceeds expectation but mostly we are left with a profound sense of disappointment and a collection of past memories which suddenly seem so much simpler. But there is a comfort in this.

  On my vacation I went to visit an old friend someone who I have always been very connected to it had been a few years since we had seen each other since then I had come out, recovered from anorexia and in general grown up. He had grown a few more inches bringing him far over his old height of 6'1 along with handling some big issues which aren't mine to discuss. He was my kindergarten husband and for those brief years when we lived nearby we were like siblings.We had seen each other sporadically in the few years since he had left and there had always been a KAPOW! connection. This year we lost that. Sure we had fun and it was lovely to see him but things were different.
When I left I didn't instantly miss him again and more than anything I wanted to have that perfect friend back in my life.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I've learned that saying is truer than one can ever imagine. But like I said before there is a comfort in this. In realizing that we have built someone into more than they are reminds us of limits and of humanity it's when we lose and mourn the loss of a larger than life figure that we see them for who they really are which is an ever changing,flawed,beautiful human being who maybe isn't the same person but then again neither are we.
So maybe these two new people can keep building their lives together.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Vacation Part One

It's been eighteen nights since I slept in my own bed. I've often imagined my future starving artist life in a dingy apartment sleeping on a futon or something. This vacation taught me that if I have to I will be sleeping on the street under a tarp but god damn it I will be sleeping on a good mattress with a feather pillow top.
If I have nothing I have a good nights sleep.
I'm going to do a few vacation posts so I can chronologically go through the various lessons I learned and the first one was that we need to remember how complex people are. When we spend our days surrounded by the same people we develop quick generalizations of them. So and so always cries or someone else just never stops singing. And sometimes these things are true. But nobody is a character in a film or television show. The complex idiosyncrasies that help to make up who we are can not be explained by a quick flashback scene or written off as comic relief. 
Someone won't stop making noise because they feel like they're never heard. Someone always cries because they can't stop their brain from over analysing things and their world really does come crashing down every five seconds.  
It's when we go beyond these two dimensional cardboard cut outs that we see people for who they really are and not the simplified version that we use to get through our day to day.
Because in the end it's easier for us to be right, to skim the surface , to be cool and detached and thoughtless. 
It's only when we dig a little deeper that we realize the people who we thought we were closest with are the ones that we really need to spend more time getting to know.  

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Last night I held the largest social gathering I have ever held since probably my childhood birthday parties.

I'm not going to say how many people were there because then I would look like the biggest dork ever. Let me assure you though our small group made enough noise for a group of 20 to 40 people.
Last night was fun and wholesome and a great time to catch up before I go on vacation. 
Last night I learned a lot. I learned that my friends are incredible and I learned why I'm friends with them
Even at our darkest our most sarcastic and our downright meanest there is a light and an optimism inside of us that is always visible. There is a uniting force that keeps us together. I talk about balance all the time in this blog and yesterday was a real lesson in balance.
I learned that a good evening is made by balancing pure youthful energy ( for example waiting for a friend and practically jumping her when she arrives) and darker teenage sarcastic stuff. 
I learned that I don't want to put my friends second to just about anything but my family. I learned that I don't want to be with anyone who has a problem with that.
And I learned that when it's time to call it quits you just know. My venture into my first relationship was short and lukewarm. I had fun and it taught me what I wanted and what I don't want. I learned that what I want is someone who understands that I am neurotic, sarcastic, impulsive and cheap I want to be with someone who understands that my priorities (at least for now) are family friends and then relationship. I want to date someone like my friends because over these past (almost) two months I didn't feel what I feel when I'm with my best friends. In the end the breakup was short and filled with long awkward silences and it was very very anticlimatic. But I remembered what I said to a friend a little while ago when asked about my relationship.
"It's a mix of falling and not falling of wanting and not wanting but I know that whatever happens it is important"
This is what growing up is. Taking chances being unsure and in the end learning.
It is through this that we become happier more intelligent self aware beings.
I hope.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Little sister, come and sit beside me, And we'll play a tune on this old piano

Today I learned that that though we don't get to choose our family we do get to choose how we interact with them.

In terms of friends I am reaching def con one here. You know cause most of the world seems to have vacations to enjoy jobs to work at or camps to attend.
Oops maybe I should of planned something other than walking my dog and watching buffy for this summer.
So right now it's me and the family. Well not really me and the family it's more like me and my younger sister. You know the one inspired this blog.
She's starting her freshman year at my high school come September and I'm excited for her. I realized though that seeing as my school is so tiny I will probably see her on a daily basis more than once. 
This is very scary. I haven't had to see my sister that much at school in five years.
With the future looming terrifyingly and the present a monotonous seemingly never series of days I figured I might as well begin to get closer to my sister.
I learned that attitude is everything.
I learned that this lesson is something that we have to learn over and over again.
Every single day we are presented with challenging people and circumstances that give us the chance to break down barriers and we ignore them most of the time.
I can't say that these past few days have led to the dramatic change in my sister and my relationship and she still does things that make me want to push her down a set of stairs but who would she be if she didn't make me want to do that?
Family is important and they won't be here forever. You won't be here forever either. 
We need to make connections deeper than blood while we still can.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Everybody, everybody wants to love Everybody, everybody wants be to loved

Today I learned that we are incredibly lucky. Not in a wow I live in an incredible house in Canada and I have an education and loving parents thing (even though I am very very grateful for all that) but in a way that we need to stop judging our lives (in this case our social lives) by what the media shows us. I've often said that being a teenager is quite possibly the biggest rip off (and at times relief) because it is nothing like television,films,books  or even music tell us. You know as much as a homebody as I am I still feel the need to go out to do it all because as teenagers we're stuck between wanting to grow up and being so scared of getting old. We fear regret and we're taught that if we don't live our lives like the media shows us then we will have regret.
It makes sense because the point of the media is to sell us things and they sell us things by making us feel inadequate.
It's not right but it's true and it's only now that I would realize this.
My sister and I have been talking a lot lately and mostly it's started off complaining about the heat and then it turned to complaining about our lives, whether she's not totally happy with her current boyfriend or I'm bemoaning my social life. But just now I realized how great everything is. We see our friends enough, play a little work a little, date absolutely wonderful people, have lovely clothes and a lovely family. 
We don't have the drama of a television show and maybe our relationships aren't Naomily amazing but they have potential.
We have enough
We have more than enough
I'm happy I saw this as early as I did and I hope my sister can too.

Friday, July 9, 2010

you're such a freaking chauvinist...wait what does that mean again?

This past two weeks I have learned two things. The first is very brief. That is that heatwaves are the best possible learning enviroments and that the best way to expand your mind is of course not through drugs but through picking a topic a week and reading as much as you can about it. This week for fiction was male coming of age stories and non fiction was an intro to modern feminism.
So onto the bigger stuff.
Which ties into the shorter stuff. This week the book that realy stood out was Female Chauvinist Pigs : Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture. The book dealt with everything from the boi subculture of the modern LGBT community to how thongs are marketed to ten and twelve year old girls. What it really all tied into though was the fact that women are considered unequal to men and a lot of women will do absolutely anything to be equal. Women put the same ammount of work (if not more) at the office and they want to be in on the celebration whether it's a cigar or a trip to a strip club. This book gave me some basic background on feminism and helped me understand where I fit in.
I learned that most movements (especially those involving women) are stereotyped into radicals or used as a quick excuse to basically do whatever you want (especially be sexually promiscous in the name of feminism) (god I'm using a lot of brackets today).
I have been reminded that things marketed to women are usually dismissed. Things like fashion or feminism or staying home to raise kids are seen as things of less value.
I have  been reminded that sometimes we need to make our own values and that they will occasionally (or often) contradict what society tells us and as long as what we believe is not hateful towards others than that's okay. 
What I like about Feminism is that it raises a million questions for me. Like do I really believe that as Robin Morgan said "Porn is the theory rape is the practice" ? 
I don't have an answer for that yet I guess I'm somewhere in the middle.
Summer is a time for questions and answers but most importantly it is a time for learning and searching.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Talk to me.

Today (okay a few days ago I'm late writing this) I was reminded about how lame most of the world's perception of women is.
I've never had a Sex in the City envy , never craved a clique and I never got that whole "gabbing" thing. I learned that only the last part of that sentence is wrong. I learned that as women (or men) we are often told that a group of women getting together and talking is "gabbing" it is trivial and really if a woman wants to be more intelligent and make herself more like a man then she has to avoid that. But we really are deluding ourselves that men sit around talking about politics or even sports. They talk on the same level of "triviality" that women do. Does this mean that we should never scratch below the surface? Of course not, but just talking about who made out with who at what party or our latest date was like is a way to help us figure out what we need to do next. Conversations like this make us feel comfortable and safe and they help us get to the deep stuff.
Sorry Carrie Bradshaw still not a fan but we have to learn that if we want women to be considered as equals then we need to stop discrediting ourselves. 

Friday, June 25, 2010

Falling, yes I am falling, And she keeps calling me back again.

Today I learned about promises. When I was studying for my anthropology/psychology/sociology exam there were questions about human potential and as usual I over analyzed everything  but it made me think about promise and potential.
This summer has the promise to be a lot of things as most summers do. Two months will fly by and in a way this is a last summer. Next year will be about goodbyes and moving on. So this summer has to count. We can try and make lists and plans but we know those only sometimes come to fruition. So we promise and we trust in the promise of summer. The promise of our potential. We will create more memories with the people we hold dear. 
Two months is filled with everything. I know it won't be 90210 and it probably won't even be Daria or Glee but it will be life. 
That will be enough.
This is short but I think it's important.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

tick tock

Around this time last year I started talking about dating and relationships. I thought I was figuring them out and was hoping I could get some good lessons on such a tricky topic. Those series of posts were later followed up with a post about how people lie. So I guess I though I didn't have the best experience ( or really any experience) I learned something.
Timing is weird. Sometimes I imagine a higher power just sitting at a board game ,drinking and just going "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING MEAN TO THAT PUPPY. NO LOVE LIFE FOR YOU"
Maybe that's a bit blasphemous.
Anyways what I am saying is that this week I learned to wait.
Time moves like it is on it's own schedule. Sometimes minutes feel like hours and other times you blink and a few months have past. But time is always there and in time we grow. We have time to search and time to find. There is always enough time for things to sneak up on us whether it's assignments or people or chances. Sometimes we make them sometimes we don't.
In a year I've learned that time doesn't have to depend on anything or anyone. Time passes no matter who we are with or what we are doing. I learned that time doesn't just have to be passed but can be used and grabbed ,harnessed for us.
Time is a tool. 
Time is a friend.
Time is running out and soon time will become more fluid and much less readable. 
Summer time. 
I'm scared by how similar this post is to my previous "starting summer" post but I'm different now.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

365 Days Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes 52 Lessons

It's been one year. Can you believe it? I've stuck with this for one year and I hope that there are many more.

This post is going to be a bit of a retrospective and a bit of personal reflection and hopefully a few lessons thrown in. Usually I spend a few days working blog posts over but today is important and I need to get a post done.
I was reading over my first post and I've never had an incredible memory but I can remember the exact moment that I was describing in that introduction. I remember the song I was listening to (window bird by stars) and I remember what floor I was on as I stood in the elevator (six). I remember the questions I was asking myself all of which were about relationships and who asks who and all that crap. I asked questions like What does a date entail? Do teachers ever tell you the truth? How do you separate something deep from a pile of angst?
I can now say
1)  I already answered this in another post
2) Teacher do tell the truth sometimes. Teachers can be total ass faces but they can also be the kind of people who change your life. 
3) You separate something deep from a pile of angst by waiting. Passionate speeches work really well in works of fiction but often if we attempt them in real life we end up embarrassing ourselves or sounding incredibly cheesy. In a year I've had to say a lot of important things to a lot of important people. Some of these things I thought out and waited before saying and others I just blurted out. The things I thought about always were a little less angsty and went over a little better.
I thought it would be cool to compile a list of all the lessons I've learned/taught this year so here we go!

1. Preparation is  just as important as the end result
2.You never figure everything out about everyone. Or anyone for that matter.
3.Never trust ANYONE who tells you where your exam is not the commissionaire or your classmates NOBODY
4.Possibility is the most fickle thing in the world and when it disappears that is not the end of the world. 
5.Summer doesn't have to be defined by how many people I hang out with or parties or events
6.often all a day needs is a new playlist,a good library book and shade in your favorite hammock.
7.Remember to listen. Not just hear but listen.
8.Love,Like,Relationships are never ever easy.
9.That your body will change. You have to accept that slowly and learn to at least like it.
10.It's okay to lack religion but life is pretty hard when you lack belief.
11.Accomplishments are measured by "Done" lists not "To Do" lists.
12.Expectations are important not only do that make life worth living by giving us a reason to wake up in the morning.
13.People lie..
a lot.
14.It's okay to cry.
15.We're always going to make mistakes with our friends.
16.The worst thing that can ever happen when you try is that you will fall flat on you're face. But at least you can say "I was there"
17.Sarcasm is fun optimism helps us grow.
18.Scary things are important.
20.There is no way that you can grow up without assessment. doesn't have to be about deep thoughts or trying to get somewhere with something all the time.
22.Growing up is confusing period
23.there are things in life that I refer to as big deals and these are important to talk about
24.knowing where you came from and why your life is how it is, is well important. We lament and celebrate and learn from the past.
25.We all get pigheaded and sometimes it's a good thing, being able to stick to your guns makes your a better debater/conversationalist/interesting person.
26.Making your voice heard is important and whether you follow popular or unpopular viewpoint as long as you are not spreading hate well your doing the right thing. 
27.maybe it's this crazy rush to get all the cool/important stuff in that helps us prioritize. could be in a box car or something in the middle of winter with not much else and as long as you had great people with you then it won't be so bad.
29.classy and comfortable always beat out skanky and uncomfortable.
30.there is not a single "meaning of life" but instead there is a lot of things crammed together and if we can figure at least one of them out then we're doing a pretty good job.
31.Having passion is imporant.
32.We all can so often find ourselves obsessed with perfection especially during the holidays. But that is never going to happen so we might as well give it our best shot and then throw in the towel.
33.Check the expiry dates on tofu.
34.we all need to set goals because that's what gives us the motivation to have our done lists.
35. On new years eve You can't look back and focus on the bad or the mediocre. You have to find one day where you felt infinite and hope that by this time next year that you can find at least two.
36.Listening to the voice inside your head and talking it out can be good (Of course only when this voice is normal and not talking shit about you or telling you to do bad things.If so get help asap)
37.Change is always a mixed bag.
38.sometimes despite our innate stubbornness the smartest thing is to get out.
39.Terrible things are going to happen. They shouldn't and nobody deserves them and maybe there will come a time where everybody's lives are perfect. But right now they're not.But we trust that in these things we can only grow.
40.Love your neighbourhood. Go take pictures. Remember that this will always be "home" because this is where you grew up. You will come back and the tree's will seem a little less tall your neighbour's garden a little less lush and the playground will be a little less maintained but you will have pictures.
You will have memories.
You will have your childhood forever preserved by a street sign.
41.Maybe we can only change ourselves about 15% and that makes sense to me. But even if we can only change 15% there is so much out there that we can experiment with. So out of 100 attempts at change we get 15 right and 85 other learning experiences.
42.Volunteering is simply about time. It's about effort and contributing no matter what the cost. In a way it's about giving up and giving of yourself. 
43.experimenting is important. Being safe while experimenting is of course one of the more important parts of that lesson but it's easy to forget that  old saying "You're only young once". 
44.we all need to take a moment and see how much we have changed. See what we have let into our lives.
And be grateful.
And care.
45.Sometimes you have to go with your gut
46.sometimes we need to let go. 
47.every once and a while you need to remind yourself that the world revolves around the sun not you.
48.I've learned that nothing ever works out the way we script it as.
50. We need to learn to show more sides of ourselves or maybe accept the fact that there will be a different public self and until our world gets a little more diverse it'll be a pretty narrow picture.
51.There will be things that we can never do alone but that we have to. Things like solo's or making tough decisions about your own future. 
So we have to tell ourselves to take a back seat. We have to get rid of everything inside of us that is scared or worried or unsure.
52.There are lessons and beauty in every moment of sadness and joy and anger and confusion.

I hope I have taught my sisters something. I know I have taught myself something.

Friday, June 4, 2010

it's like totally the latest thing though I didn't expect you to have it

Well for a few short weeks there I had formspring. 

In case you are unaware is this website where people ask you anonymous questions.
Yes it sounds stupid but humans want to know what other people think of them.
Especially teenagers - we know that we are our own worst critics but we want confirmation of that. We want the good the bad and the ugly. 
From this I've learned that I put a good face forward. I don't cause drama and I think people like me for that. And their comments reflect that like or at least moderate amount of respect.
I've learned once again that I don't want to be the kind of girl who is definable. We spend so much of our lives trying to find out who the hell we are that it's easy to give into labels. We can be the weird dresser, or the singer, or the drama maker or the jock or the queer.
But what if that's not all?
I found that people tried to define me a lot while asking formspring questions, as if I spent all my time contemplating one part of me. Things that just are. 
I guess that I need to learn to show more sides of myself or maybe accept the fact that there will be a public me and until my world gets a little more diverse it'll be a pretty narrow picture.
And I guess I have to be okay with that for a while because I'm happier now. I am myself. The rest of the world will figure that out soon enough right?
Liking ourselves as a whole is often difficult, we should at least learn to like one of our "selves". 
We're approaching the blogoversary really soon. I don't know if anyone will respond but I would love to hear any ideas you have for a one year post!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Dress Rehearsals

Ever since the smash hit Glee hit the airwaves the world has fallen in love with choir, and show tunes. I of course being the perpetual geek loved this stuff anyways , I'm the band geek, the choir nerd. Glee has provided me with the moments that I dream of. You know the one's where you are singing and suddenly the stage lights come up and it's just you on that stage and it could be just you on this planet and you don't care because this is your moment.
Well I never thought I would get one of those but I did.
It happened accidentally. We were practicing in the gym and they were setting up stage lights for tomorrow's concert and it just happened that the gym lights were turned off and the lovely glowy stage lights came up just as my solo started.
It was here that the lesson hit me. 
First of all I had never wanted anything more badly in my life than this solo (it's the female one). So I worked and I got it. So I guess that's a lesson but I'm sure you read the little engine that could at least once during your childhood.
What I really learned today is that we need to learn to lose ourselves.
There will be things that we can never do alone but that we have to. Things like solo's or making tough decisions about your own future. 
So we have to tell ourselves to take a back seat. We have to get rid of everything inside of us that is scared or worried or unsure.
It's funny because when we lose ourselves if only for a few minutes (or bars of music) we arrive back into our bodies slightly different. It's a tiny change but it's for the best and it pushes us towards the day that we won't have to lose ourselves anymore.

I channeled Mercedes Jones by the way. Give me her over Rachel Berry any day. 

Sunday, May 23, 2010

She was the still point of the turning world

This weekend I learned a few things. I was reminded of the fact that I am the kind of person who likes the indoors. I learned that there are some "teenage milestones" that are quite underwhelming. For example drinking and wandering outside. 

Really if you haven't done it yet you can just skip that one. 
Unless of course you are into bug bites and cramped spaces and public parking lots.
Which some people are so more power to you.
But in a strange way I'm happy that I did this.
I've learned that experimenting is important. Being safe while experimenting is of course one of the more important parts of that lesson but it's easy to forget that  old saying "You're only young once". 
Balance,moderation these are the things that are supposed to lead us to a happy life. And we often go to extremes. We want to be very very good and if we can't we often go for very very bad. Even though I didn't really enjoy that night there were fun moments. Sitting on an old friend's lawn and laughing or sitting by the lake in silence, there is something nice about being, about trying.
We need to remember to try. Because that is how we get out of ourselves. And even if we learn that we are much happier back within ourselves we have learned something.
That's worthwhile.