Thursday, December 31, 2009

It's the end of a decade. Ten years ago I was six years old. My little sister had been born in march of 99 and other than that memories are few and far between. There had been a big snowstorm that year and for some reason the snowplows had deposited all our streets snow in the little ditch that is between the sidewalk and the road. My father and mother were laughing at the Y2K scares and we went over to a family friends house to celebrate. Now it's a decade later. There has been no snow and because of my excessive procrastination new years eve will be spent watching musicals and doing homework. When I think about how many changes the past year brought I am astounded. Everything from my personal style to basic aspects of my personality have changed. Starting this blog was a big change for me. I think it was at that point that I really attacked my one resolution of 2009: to be more positive. If a person can change so much in one year what is going to happen in a decade? I can't believe that the next time I think about a decade passing that I'll be 26 and that just terrifies me. At this point I am looking for small comforts and I think I am finding some.
1. I am much happier with the person I am now than the person I was at this time last year. For the first time in who knows how long I feel like I am being honest with others and with myself. I don't know if all that is a by product of recovery or just growing up but I like it.
2. Basically I have a year and a half left of high school (No more explanations needed)
3. Despite the excesses of celebrity influence, global warming,2012, the "kill the gays" bill and all the scary things going on the 21st century is a pretty cool place. I'm not saying that it's perfect but slowly we are finding ways to be better activists and better people. The fact is that lets say 50 years ago my thoughts would be considered way less important than they are now + the factors of racism,homophobia and even more sexism were trying to stop people's voices from being heard. Now none of these things are gone but (especially here in Canada) they are a lot better.
So end of an era, end of a decade. What are we going to be remembered as? 9/11,Iraq,Oil,Our lack of action considering Darfur? I hope not. I hope that by the time the history books are talking about the past decade they will say "Well they kind of screwed up a lot but they did some good things too and in 2010 it was all fixed." I know that will probably not be the case but I hope with the waves of change that have slowly started in the first decade of the 21st century will really pick up and do something more. I hope that people can learn to be a little more open minded and learn to love each other in spite of and because of our differences.
I'm kind of sappy and overly gushy today so I'm sorry if this post sucks but I's hope to think that there are a few good lines in here because I want to end 2009 on a good note because in a year of ups and downs both historically and personally what are you going to do on the last day? You can't look back and focus on the bad or the mediocre. You have to find one day where you felt infinite and hope that by this time next year that you can find at least two.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Alright here we go new years resolutions. I know that I like to stress that life is about done lists not to do lists but I think that we all need to set goals because that's what gives us the motivation to have our done lists. So without further new years resolutions

1. Become more open to physical contact. I can properly hug about two people in the whole world. My middle sister and my mum. Everyone else is an awkward mess. This was particularly highlighted at a party when an (admittedly drunk) person told me that I looked too stiff and they would hug me till I was not. Now could this of been avoided if I was a better hugger? Of course.

2. Follow up on plans. I want to write that TV pitch/pilot. Create my one in eight hundred feature for my school. Make documentaries and do more baking

3. Be a bit healthier. I want to do a little more upper body strength training so I have plans to join a rock climbing gym. Now to see if the one I faintly remember from grade two still exists.

4. Host a single party. I have dreams of being an excellent hostess but it kind of terrifies me. If I can hold one small party by December 31st 2010 I will be very proud of myself.

5. Become more of a performer. I don't expect to become my sister but I do want to be able to sing a solo or do a monologue without puking/fainting/going into a catatonic state for two hours after.

6. Visit universities. I need to look into some more local universities though Kings is my dream school I need to open up my options

7. Write even more

8. Buy more pencil skirts and bright colours and accessories (I have really just discovered jewelry and handbags )

9. Be a bit less of a control freak. I'm not asking that I destroy the basis of my whole personality but everything would probably go a lot smoother if I let a few more things go.

10. Be a better friend. I swear sometimes I feel like someone should just put a big WORST FRIEND EVER tattoo on my forehead to protect the world from my bad friend-ness

11. Be a better (more consistent blogger) if I actually want to make an attempt at influencing people I need to keep quality and quantity up. This blog was created in the spirit of helping my "sisters" but really it's the one that's teaching me. I've learned so much from this experience so far and if I don't make a resolution to keep me blogging I think I could forget.

12. Finally I want to keep seeing the beauty and the lessons in things. Like blogging I need this to be tattooed to my hand or something cause it's so easy to forget. So I resolve to remember that

There are lessons and beauty in every moment of sadness and joy and anger and confusion.

So is it twenty ten or two thousand ten?

Well as I work on my rough draft of my new years resolutions (I take these things very seriously) I'm trying to remember a) what last years resolutions even were, and b) what has happened this past decade cause it's kind of all a blur. Were crocs in '06 or '07? Which came first the spider hole or the flag pins? So as I try desperately to figure out where 10 years of my life went I'll let all your guys catch up with the new york times visual chart recap of the past decade.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Tidings Of Comfort and Joy

Well Christmas was two days ago (or whenever I actually get around to finishing this post). Gift wise I am extremely happy as I hope that the new camcorder will rocket me to journalistic/documentarian stardom. Spiritually it was unspiritual though I was really happy with how the choir preformed. I was kind of at a loss on how I could reflect on my holidays until last night. I went to a party being held by my vocal teacher and the rooms was filled with friends and family former and current students. One of her students had moved to France to study music met and opera singer got married and had a beautiful child (I just thought it was too romantic of a back story to leave out). Anyways her and her husband sang o holy night in french and as I was sitting their filming it and thinking " I cannot believe how lucky I am to be hearing this" I realized that this is my holiday lesson. We all can so often find ourselves obsessed with perfection especially during the holidays we don't want to gain weight and find the perfect present and bring the perfect potluck dish along with our perfectly wrapped present while wearing our perfect outfit which we are convinced will ultimately make everyone happy and create the perfect Christmas. But that's never going to happen. So we make a nice potluck dish,lose the scale, do our best to find a good present and present it with love while wearing a pretty nice outfit. Then we take a breathe and listen to the music

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Shit, you guys, I have never had straight friends before!

Brittany Murphy as Tai in Clueless Brittany Murphy as Tai and Stacey Dash as Dionne in Clueless
Brittany Murphy as Tai and Jeremy Sisto as Elton in CluelessBrittany Murphy as Tai in Clueless
Well I haven't felt affected by many of the celebrity deaths lately Brittany Murphy's really gets to me for some reason. I guess the lesson here is that people die young,famous people,"nobodies" on the popularity scale,people who are loved and people who feel unloved. And it sucks. But I guess all we can do is keep living.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Here's to You...

Well it's been just over 24 hours since it happened and I am convinced that I've stop crying at the mention of it. Nothing terrible happened (thank god) but I don't think I've been this affected by any piece of acting this much ever. See we are doing historical monologues in drama class and Andrew Chown has proved to me that he is going to go places. He wrote a monolouge set during the final moments of Tony Chambers who was a mentally disabled man who was executed due to charges related to the rape and murder of an 11 year old girl. However the circumstances surrounding these charges have been deemed unethical by some.
It's not just that it was a brilliant preformance it that after I stopped crying I realized
This is what it's all about
I know I say that a lot but I've started to realize that there is not a single "meaning of life" but instead there is a lot of things crammed together and if we can figure at least one of them out then we're doing a pretty good job.
See passion is important and I believe that everyone has a talent so I guess it works out that our talents can become our passion.
Everyone has the chance to affect people for the better. To laugh,to cry to learn we might not know whats going on but we can be sure we are being affected. I can't say I am sure what my talent is. I like reading and writing and offering my uneducated therapist copying gut feeling psych help. But I know that if I can see the talent and beauty of a total stranger then there's got to be something for me too.
So I hope that the world see's Andrew Chown. I hope that we can all learn to see our talents and take action. The world can be such a terrifying and rejecting place but maybe if a few people change the way they think and a few more people take a chance and throw themselves out there then maybe the world will become a better place.
Here's to you world. Hope to hear better things from you soon.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer" I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer

So that last post was very short but it makes me feel like a more dedicated blogger and I also think that a lesson like that deserves to be short and in it's own category. So the formal was a few nights ago and I can't say I learned much from it. I learned that the cheapest limo company that you got at the last second might possibly have mob connections. Either that or you had nothing to do in the cheap and cold limo ride. I also proved that classy and comfortable always beat out skanky and uncomfortable. But I think the most important thing I learned was that sometimes going out on a limb and not being sure of something's outcome and even though you have low expectation you end up having (at least a little) fun.
I also realized that you could be in a box car or something in the middle of winter with not much else and as long as you had great people with you then it won't be so bad.
It may sound cheesy but it's at times like this that I realize how lucky I am to know the people that I do. Continuing on this cheese fest I need to say that it's at times like this that we need to take a step back and examine our social lives. Not with the critical eye that we (or at least I) usually do but to try and see the light in everyone or at least something that makes you re-remember why you even talk to this person. Like I've said a million times (and especially since starting grade eleven/the holidays) life is stressful but it's better when you around people who love you and even better when you take time to recognize this.
So call your friends rent a good movie (May I suggest Funny Girl?) or at least listen to this and that. Smile , wait for Christmas (or enjoy currently celebrating Hanukkah) and surround yourself with people who love you and don't forget to tell (or at least remember) why you do.

Okay so they would'nt play Sing Sing Sing So Some Rhianna Song Will Do

Sometimes You Just Have To Dance

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Is your heartbeat racing Is this your soul you're facing?

Today I learned that sometimes things get crazy. What is it about the holidays that send people into a panic? I really thought it could be all ugly sweaters
and you know peace love joy and good will to all. But sometimes it's not sometimes it's crazy Christmas concerts and a million projects due and like 20 billion (okay three) monologues and all you want to do is be super melodramatic and maybe punch someone's lights out.
But I guess that this is the real world and we all need to learn how to deal. These are things we all have to do. We all have to remember to breathe and all that stuff. See I;m starting to realize that life is always going to have a million things to do and we aren't ever going to have time to get it all done. Now this may sound really really really sad and that what I thought at first but then I realized that maybe it's not. That maybe it's this crazy rush to get all the cool/important stuff in that helps us prioritize.
Also in my stress I learned the importance of a kind word , a quick acknowledgement the simple stuff we don't think about. See I analyze people all the time, though most of the time I only point these out if I find them "witty" which can be rational self code for "mean but funny". It's only when we are at the receiving end of a comforting sentence. A cheerful "Are you okay?" That we realize how nice it is to feel cared for. So that's my new mission. Quick and thoughtful inquires.
It's ISU and culminating time. I think we could use all use some.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Colour My Life With The Chaos Of Trouble

Happy American Thanksgiving to my south of the border readers!
This post is kind of perfectly placed seeing as it's around a food based holiday and seeing as I was JUST DISCHARGED FROM THE EATING DISORDER CLINIC!
So naturally this post is going to be about body image. Cause it's a huge thing for (here's the shocker for some) EVERYONE! Female,male,gay,straight,all races all religions. Our own self image particularly the physical one is something that follows us around. Over the past two years that I've been with the clinic (Yet another reason I am so happy with Canadian healthcare system seriously I don't know what we would of done if the program cost money) I've learned a lot about body image. In todays crazy world with models having photoshopped heads bigger than their hips not only is it hard enough to have a good body image but in fact there's almost this pressure to have a poor one. Few people want to have the tagline of "they think their the shit" but I don't think it's wrong to look in a mirror and say "Damn I look good today" I hope my readers don't have a problem with doing this because the greatest thing ever is that you can change the whole tone of that often so critical once over that groups of people do when they look in the mirror.
There is two loud voices in the world when it comes to body image there is the WOMEN WITH CURVES ARE SEXY AND ANYONE ELSE IS NOT A REAL WOMAN and then there is Karl Lagerfeld. I can't say I agree with either of these voices. Thats why I love this there are women of colour,women of all ages and weights, body types and abilities. And they look strong and attractive. I've learned that making your voice heard is important and whether you follow popular or unpopular viewpoint as long as you are not spreading hate well your doing the right thing. I've learned it's easier to love others when you love yourself and the tiniest positive change you make sends signals out to the world that loving yourself and being comfortable in your own skin is a good thing and though it can be the hardest thing you've done at first it get's easier.

In other news I will be attending the Christmas formal. Now to look for something to wear....

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I could dance all night like I'm a soul boy But I know I'd rather drag myself across the dance floor

Yeah that looks like fun....

Being a teenager is hard sometimes. "Coming of age" rituals can be one of a few things
a)spirtiually enlightening
d) physically painful
e) all of the above.

It's November. Midterms are over, the attractive part of fall is coming to a close and whether it's humankind's need for ANYTHING to look forward to or it's everybody's favorite corporate soulless advertisers we seem to be getting in the holiday spirit.
Seeing as I am a junior this means:

winter formal

Now I know I talked about wanting to get involved, participate,make memories etc etc etc. But at this point I want to scream at the world GIVE ME A BREAK ALREADY!
I love getting dressed up,I love dancing, I love dancing with my friends but maybe it's the outsider in me that absolutely detests winter formal. I get to drink crappy Shirley temples, go to a banquet hall beside a highway and pay a ridiculous amount of money for stupid things.
It is hear that the lesson kicks in.
We all get pigheaded and sometimes it's a good thing, being able to stick to your guns makes your a better debater/conversationalist/interesting person. Then there are cases like me and winter formal where you realize that you are so far stuck in this rut that you have no idea how to get out. So you take a step back, you weigh the options and maybe you make a decision or decide to hold out to the last minute (Which is what I'll be doing). Have any of my readers been to any sort of formal? What were your thoughts?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Though my readership criss crosses the globe most of you have some sort of day of remembrance for veterans. So that's what this post is about but of course with a lessons for my sister twist. Also I will be focusing in on WWII simply because that is the biggest area of my history geekiness.
I live in a pretty amazing country. We have a country wide healthcare system, anyone can love whoever they want and get married too. We used to have an amazing morning radio show. (PS. CBC I hate you for the little "revamp" you inflicted on me). I can enjoy all of this for a few reasons and most of them have to do with war.
I can credit half of my existence to three men. Hitler, Stalin and Winston Churchill. See if Hitler and Stalin had never made that temporary alliance and Hitler had never broken it and then Hitler never of invaded the USSR then Great Britain would of never sent forces there to help with DP camps after the war and my grandparents would of never met.
That would of sucked.

That is a map of Nazi controlled Europe. When I look at that and I see how much we had to lose it terrifies me.People died so we could have a chance at getting the world right again.
We've been in a lot of wars since but few have come close to putting Canada in so much danger. I think thats the biggest testament to humankind. That we will go and try to fight for something we believe in just because it's right.
Peacekeeping, it doesn't often go along with guns or tanks and I'm no advocate of violence. But I am an advocate of respect.
So how is this a lesson to my sister? I'm not sure and maybe I'm just being preachy but I think that knowing where you came from and why your life is how it is, is well important. We lament and celebrate and learn from the past.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Never Listened to True Colours

I have to admit I'm nervous about this blog post. It talks about something that can make a lot of people angry. But there are things in life that I refer to as big deals and these are important to talk about




1[deel] Something that is loud inside you. The big priorities. The passionate mealtime conversations, the things that foster friendships and screaming arguments. Things that shouldn't be shut up. Things that make you take chances. Beautifully Terrifying things.

When I set out on my blogging adventure I was at least partially going for a survival guide for teenagerdom and whether you want to admit it or not sexuality (overt,hidden,questioning,outing all that good stuff) are a part of it. Growing up is confusing period. Fate/God/Whatever you believe in likes to throw curve balls at us and we learn how to deal...somehow. It's hard when you suddenly become a minority and you suddenly have to rewrite your story from the typical "Get married to the opposite sex have at least one child have a successful career somewhere" to something else and continuing with this rewrite metaphor I guess you could say that there's a chance that the publisher won't like this rewrite or you have to break it to your "creators" that you'll be taking things in a new direction and that there no longer going to be writers on your team (I spent a long time with this whole analogy please don't judge me too harshly). But you have to take that chance because in the end there are going to be people in this world who love your story and can see the whole picture and they'll love you. They'll suprise you.
It's how we handle these big scary things that is universal.
We talk things out with anyone even ourselves
We make a plan to be flexible
We remember that we are good people and that in the end everything will be okay

Monday, October 26, 2009


I turned sixteen a few days ago. It was at it's best anticlimactic but according to television, movies and books I should rapidly change to the appearance of a 20 year old and be thrown into a variety of complex and adult situations.
I get sick a lot and I watch a lot of degrassi when I am sick.
But moving on to a point and I'm sure I'll find one eventually. I was thinking about growing up as per usual and all the scary things it can involve. For instance public transit....during a the dark. But you have to take public transit so you can get home,get sushi,go to a play. All of which are fun experiences. I was thinking about the past because I thought about the future. I was thinking about what makes us up as people mostly because of this Starbucks boy who had a voice like a 60's sitcom secretary. I wondered if it was because of his feminine voice that he acted so feminine or he had a feminine voice because of his actions. Then he spoke in a typical male voice to my friend by accident and my deep thoughts were shattered. In the end though it all came down to my tiny 16 years of experience. All the change and all the same. So I made a list

1. Being able to talk like Anne of green gables. Not the optimism sappy crap but the large vocab descriptive stuff. I think we all lost a lot of our urge to learn things, maybe it's cause we don't want to admit that we are young and still have so much to learn.
2. I miss the children's library because that meant I could go to the adult section and feel amazed and grown up. Now I can't really go anywhere to feel grown up. I'm taller than all the shelves even without heels.
3.I miss the ease of making friends. That disappeared a long time ago. You could see someone with a my little pony you liked and that was it. Instant bond. We can all get so paranoid and cold that we reject others.
4.I miss being able to do childish things without feeling childish or looking around. I sometimes partake in these activities but in the end I am anxious and can't let go.
5. I miss field trips and bus buddies and mandatory trips to the museum.
6. I miss time going slowly. I'm halfway through a semester and thats scary.

1. Not being heard. I just got involved with my local MPP and I feel mature and heard. For the first time I don't have to scream and jump to get attention somehow I have been iniatied to the yes you do get to speak club.
2. The confinements of recess. I want to go behind the trees and dig in the dirt making a series of canals and a clay mine. Deal with it.
3.Science Class. I have an infinite amount of respect for anyone who does anything related to science and math. Except for those who teach it you sadists.
4.Long school days. At this point in my life the idea of getting out of school at 3:30 is terrifying.
5. Bad/ Scary/Violent childrens movies from the 80's on VHS that we had to watch on our special movie days because that is all the teachers owned. Enough said.
6. Being stuck in a classroom all day with the same teacher. I crave movement and since my school is a scattered mess of portables this is very beneficial.

1. Cafeteria Food. It makes the whole school/ hallway that is left of the school smell like the inside of the deep fryer at KFC.
2. The cliques. There are people at my school who terrify me and they shouldn't but the fact is that all of us have spent years creating reputations (or having them made). Sometimes it feels like we are all stuck in these tiny boxes and until we graduate we'll never get out.
3. Math Class
4.The whole relationship thing. There are so few people who are mature enough for a real relationship and most people end up with + poor body image and -virginity/self respect. It's really sad.
5. The absolute un PC ness of everyone. Honestly I cannot wait until I am surrounded by middle aged yuppie people obsessed with being PC. The rampant homophobia,sexism and racism that is screamed through the average high school hallway is painful.
6. The obsessive need to be older than we are. I can't say if I'm pro underage drinking or a total straight edge. I honestly don't have that much experience.
ummm... let me think...But really.
1.Making friends because you like the person not just because of convenience. I came from an elementary school with 30 kids in my year. There was a lot of convenience friends. Now me and my friends actually share interests,beliefs all those things that are important.
2.Rotary. Being as completely unable to focus on anything as I am, having to get up and go learn a new subject halfway across a former football field is a god send.
3.Being able to leave during lunch. Last year after socializing me and my friend went harolding almost every day. It was refreshing.
4.Clubs like band and choir which give a nerdy light to my life on slow days. Though this also goes into the wish would go away category because sometimes you get trapped in clubs that you no longer want to be in because you feel they are corrupt but you can't leave cause the director is your teacher and you want to do well.
5.The fact that it is a four year period which rockets you into adulthood. Or so I have been promised.
6.The fact that you get to choose thing that you love and such things result in infinite moments singing Beatles songs in your drama classroom. Moments like this can be scary because you realize that maybe you don't want to grow up as much as you thought you did and maybe you could stand another four years of high school. Then the bell rings and a football player who has never even been taught the abstract concept of showering bumps into you and your deep thoughts are shattered.

But I'm starting to figure out that maybe life doesn't have to be about deep thoughts or trying to get somewhere with something.
I'm sure that we'll all get this concept of balance worked out.

ps a friend of mine has a new blog and she is about six times more eloquent and six times less sheltered then I am. Check it out!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I'm Getting To Love My Freedom

So this is all about the play. Unfortunately I cannot create a Shakespearian take on this and talk about how all the world's a stage. That would just end up being sad. Instead I start with a definition


[aw-dish-uhn] –noun
The process of throwing yourself out there into the judging eyes of the populace. There is no kidding yourself that the people are not judging you as that is the whole goal. Tension is guaranteed and if you do not have at least one screwup you should not mention this perfect audition to others because you will be met with jealousy and hatred. I am talking to you talented drama kid. You know who you are.
Also I hope that the sound bite works. If so I hope you share my belief that whoever that guy is he is the coolest guy ever.
Back to the play. Well I made it in! Two lines but all the perks of being a cast member. Life is good. Auditions get you thinking. They are scary but necessary. A lot like everything really. Scary things are important. Because there is no way that you can grow up without assessment. Because you need to evaluate others and most importantly yourself. We separate the good from the crap. We give things second chances and sometimes we brush things off at the first glance. We hold stuff in. We always let it out somehow eventually. This is the scary part because the an audition is always going to be analyzing not necessarily judging but analyzing. Maybe thats just me. We put on a good front. We learn our lines, play situations out in our heads and finally we write our names on the signup sheet. The lights go up and it's time for the dialog the monologue the dance. We'll never know the directors notes but we know we've been heard.
In the end I call that a success.

Also as you can see from my title I am battling a God Help The Girl obsession. Check them out. Totally Kick Ass.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Sebastian wrote his diary that. He would never be young again

Recently as my friends have found out that I have a blog (Not that I am telling them the url I like my secret world). They've began to ask questions about what I blog about and if I ever mention them. I started thinking about why I didn't want my real world people to see my blog and I figured out that maybe I was a little scared about being judged and a lot more scared about how they would perceive my online "persona".
Persona's are fun and being able to go online and become the person that you really would like to be. The fact is that the "real world" calls for us to be a lot more jaded or cynical. Often it's fun having a commentary running in your head but I don't think that I or anyone else can ever grow as a person if they don't have some way to step back and see the big picture.
Thats what I answer when people ask about my blog now. I don't want to sound preach or give away crucial googleable details about my blog so I say.
It's all about seeing the big picture. Taking the everyday stuff we don't think about and seeing how it all fits into life.
Breaking out of my super selfish and not at all advice giving or lessony post. I guess what I am trying to say is that sarcasm is fun optimism helps us grow.
Eventually we'll hit that perfect balance...somehow.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

What your cheering for the 15 year old mediocre singer? Scream for the 81 year old man!!

Yesterday I had the chance to go this concert/conference called me to we. Or they called it "We Day" but like the rogers centre(For you non Canadians it's a sports stadium in Toronto that was formerly called the sky dome and I will always call it that). Anyways... it was run by free the children which is a pretty cool organization. I wasn't a huge fan of Justin Beiber or surprise guests the Jonas Brothers but ELI WEISEL WAS THERE
He wrote this book called
Night which I consider on of the most influential books I have ever read. I hope to find a picture of me having my fan girl explosion later but I have been too lazy to upload pictures.
So...I guess I need to get to my point.
The day was empowering it was eclectic and electric. It makes you want to do more. I guess that is my point. That you can see everything that is terrible in the world and you can sit and cry (which sometimes you do need to do) or you can sit down and say HOW CAN I CHANGE THIS? Sometimes we like to throw money at a cause and hope that it will go away but really we need to get out there and do something. This day made me not only question myself as an activist but it made me question myself as a person. How often do we see the big issue get scared and do something small?
Big issues call for big solutions sometimes.
I have more stories to tell but I am trying to keep one story to one post so there will probably be multiple posts today.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Adventures Of Melodrama Girl

So this week I learned a lot of things...Again I learned that sometimes we overestimate the difficulty of things aka
Beyond that I learned some other big stuff. Classic stuff like all storms do pass and etc etc. Really I think my last post's slight optimism inspired real life.. or maybe not.
I've been thinking a lot about high school and how it's going to be over in 1 year and 11 months. Yes I will admit to having some yearbook sentimentality I can't always be a robot.
I've realized something about making you mark though. That in the end going for the high C on the first day of choir or trying out for the school play just might be worth it. Maybe you'll fail maybe you'll totally blow your own mind and forever claim it was the biggest achievement of your young life (COME ON! It was a HIIIGGGHHH C). But at the end of the day you get to say
I Was There
Remember When?
Something happened between grades 9 and 10 to me. I lost a lot of confidence and combined with recovery in order to be normal I really didn't have any time to be normal.
So I'm older I have seniority in my school and I think I'm going to take some chances. Maybe they'll work out maybe not but in the end I'm always learning. Tryout for the play are in two days and I'll hopefully have a series of funny anecdotes and defintions on the audition process.
Last but not least I made a
tumblr cause it's what all the cool artsy kids are doing and they are pretty. It may fall flat on it's face but trying never hurt anyone. (Look how I take my life lessons and apply them to wonderful trivial internet things)

Sunday, September 20, 2009

My dream was realised but I was sleeping

This week I learned that sometimes you have bad weeks.
Really bad weeks and sometimes those weeks are so bad that you decided to throw away your life ambition and become a asexual hermit whose has cats and maybe a coffee machine.
I really haven't given this week much thought in terms of lessons for my sister but due to my nonexistent readership I thought I would try and make something out of this week so I feel better when I check my statcounter page.
This week I learned that people lie
a lot. People lie so much that your never going to catch all of it and every once is a while you are going to be so fooled that your left feeling like a four year old.
I now accept this I've got a (hopefully) long life ahead of me and I'm going to be left feeling hopelessly stupid many more times. This brings me to number two on the list of things I learned this week.
Many people would wonder why I would bold and CAPS LOCK this it seems so obvious but sometimes the things are hidden in plain sight.
Emotions suck at times because feeling hurt...hurts feeling mad can feel ugly and out of control and feeling happy can just feel so lame in an overly cynical world.
At the end of the day though sometimes you need to put on the fluffy sweater turn on the TV grab your overly large dog and do some serious big baby style sobbing. Then you can ingest the chemical weight of a small factory in strawberry marshmallows.

Things seem better. Then you have crazy dreams about elevators and stuff.
But it's a fair tradeoff.
Finally I learned that were always going to make mistakes with our friends. Sometimes they are going to be really really really big mistakes and we just have to wait it out. Because you can't make anyone forgive you. Sometimes you really mess up and your going to have to wait for that person to comes to terms with it.
I didn't think that the first nine days of school would be this hard/educational/amazing
In the meantime I'll watch Glee while pretending to be Rachel Berry and manufacturing a lovechild wardrobe of Emma Pillsbury and Kurt Hummel. TV addictions are a sad thing never fall into them.

Friday, September 11, 2009

The Reminder

I made it through the first week!
Being a junior is different. It's amazing how much we all seemed to grow up over the summer. Though I hardly look like a junior I clutch my grade 11 textbooks to my chest like a banner that says DO NOT "INITIATE" ME!
So what has the first week taught me?
It's taught me about expectations. Whether it's that new TV show or my scary math class or seeing that person in the hallways again we always have expectations. They are fun,disappointing,paranoid,imaginary and real. Expectations are important not only do that make life worth living by giving us a reason to wake up in the morning.
They are our own personal kick in the butt to wake up to reality.
When our expectations are proved to be false (these often fall under the paranoid "everyone is going to hate me because... category) we realize something huge about mindreading and living in the present. This week I've had more self built conceptions about absolutely stupid things knocked down than ever. I don't know if this trend will continue. I think it might slow down because I'm realizing the futility of these walls of thought I have built.
Hopefully I'll be doing at least bi-weekly posts as the year goes on though the first week has been so crazy. I'm back on the jobhunt so that should be educational at least...right?
To finish it all off I've been crazyily interested in this idea. It's only since I've started reading about it that I've started to look at my group of friends and how they influence me physically and mentally. Maybe I'll do a rip-off or "personal opinion" post on these studies later this week.

Monday, September 7, 2009

This is It

I started writing this blog near the end of my grade 10 year. Wow that seems so long ago already. Summer has a way of aging people... or at least making time stretch out into infinity.
I've had a lot of trouble writing this post. I feel like I have a responsibility to my few but wonderful readers to finish up my summer reflecting and being profound all packed into one superamazing end of summer post. Maybe I just put too much pressure on myself.
I wrote a list of goals for my summer and I was happy with it. In fact up until I started writing..I had every intention of copying and pasting that list into a new post and simply checking off what I had accomplished.
But then I realized.
Life doesn't have a report card.
Life is not about lists that we hold onto and then look back on with regret missing the good stuff. In the end life and accomplishments are measured by "Done" lists not "To Do" lists.
What is on these lists doesn't matter because with a little bit of effort you can find growth and beauty and something worthwhile in it all.
This is the most important lesson of the summer.
So without further ado

Learned how to see and capture beauty with a film camera.
Sometimes updated my blog.
Wrote poetry and short stores.
Bought and wore beautiful clothing found a way to love my swimsuited body
Learned to rollerblade
Rollerbladed and Yoga'd regulary.
Experimented with new foods.
Saw friends
Said goodbye
Grew Up
Was brave
Accepted change and created some of my own
Worked on precious few guitar skills.
Even further expanded my musical spectrum.

This summer was was hard at times easy at others.
Always unpredictable, Always routine,Always new, Always old, Always sad, Always happy,Always hello's, Always goodbye's.
Always Learning.