Park That Car, Drop That Phone,Sleep On The Floor, Dream About Me.

Last year I turned sixteen. So I guess all logic following I would expect to turn seventeen this year. But you know something? It really threw me for a loop. It feels like I've been living in this ageless state which I guess happens as you try and figure out where you belong. I've been trying to figure out what seventeen is supposed to "be" I've been reading and listening to songs and watching films but I still don't know. Sixteen had all these shiny happy expectations but seventeen seems a little more somber. But here's the thing. We feel disillusioned when things aren't as good as we thought they would be but what about when we go into something with low expectations? Seventeen has been sold to me as a hard year where you keep trying to catch up with what life throws at you but I don't want that and I know that can't really be it just like I knew everything wasn't going to fall into place just because I was sixteen. This year has the possibility to be everything and I'm not just going to resign to a year of stress and angst.
In searching for expectations and answers I've learned that you have to make your own and resign to the fact that the future always has been and always will be a mystery. We don't get to control whether that love will be reciprocated or get cast for that roll or find that dress in your size. That's how it goes and maybe we could do so much more if we stopped looking for signs and clues and hidden meanings in simple things. Maybe we could go with our gut and fall down a bit more but have more time to pick ourselves up. We walk on, we end up somewhere and as long as we keep a good head our shoulders then we'll be in a good place. Another year will have passed and there will be more lessons.

YOU BELONG

This is what I have learned especially since coming out.

YOU BELONG

There is a place for you. In your school, your place of worship, your family, your friends, your workplace, your town or country. Things sometimes will suck and you will feel like you don't belong but there is always a place for you. There are better places and sometimes there are worse places but right here right now? You have a place and a value and a reason to be here just as much as anyone else. Why? Because you are alive. Because you have talents and gifts and insights and hopes and dreams. Even if you had none of those you would still belong and have worth. Just because of the simple fact that you were born. Nobody can take that away from you. They will try and some days you might believe them so you will try to. 

I've been told that in the not so distant future that "it" will get better. Never forget that the near future will get better too. There are people who love you , every part of you even the dark parts you keep locked inside they will love and you will learn to love these things too.

No matter what though remember you belong. Carve out a place for yourself in the world and make a mark. Surround yourself with loving people and march onward. Life is never going to be easy but god it can be incredible.

Thanks

It's Canadian Thanksgiving! I like ours because there is more space between the giant food fests of the winter holidays and thanksgiving. I need space in-between or I'll blow up. And that would be terrible. 

Have you ever made a list of what you are thankful for? I've learned that this can change your perspective on just about everything. The bad things seem smaller and the good things even larger. So here we go...

I am thankful for......

My family, my sisters and my parents are a constant source of support,drama,love and laughter. Nothing is ever perfect but I am reminded that my family though constantly changing is there for me no matter what. Not a lot of people can say that.

My house. I have a room of my own and a kitchen and a computer and a tv and a whole library. It's a tiny house by rich suburban standards but a freaking palace by most of the worlds standards.

My Thanksgiving dinner.It is vegetarian,organic and incredibly delicious. I have access to foods that meet my ethical and health standards and so many people don't have healthy food or don't have food period.

My friends. They are hilarious,trusting,funny,interesting,talented and overall incredible people. I don't know how they made it into my life but they did and I don't know what I would do without them.

My various forms of technology. I think I use it for the best purposes (mostly for writing and reading but also for funny viral videos). I don't know what I would do without my ipod and internet connection. Addiction? maybe but I guess I'm grateful that I'll never be cut off.


My education. I don't go to a private school and I'm stuck taking terrible religion courses but you know what? Some of these teachers I will remember for the rest of my life and they're giving me the tools to escape the evil institution they are employed by. Also I'm a girl and I'm getting a kick ass education.


We're all pretty lucky. Some of us have more and some have less but there is always something to be thankful for and something to love.
We're always searching for improvement and that is great because it's how we grow. But sometimes we just need to take a breather to look at how much we already have.

We Now Return To Our Normal Programming.

Last night I did something that I was really scared to do and it ended up working out exactly as I thought it would - badly. But you know what? In doing what I was so scared of I got over it. In the end things are mostly internal. It's not the love that we crave it's the struggle. Unrequited love is not fun but you know what is? Analysing the situation and imagining conversations and being angsty and self involved. We feel a little deeper and a little more tortured like a character in a novel or something. Everyone wants to be taken seriously and love sometimes seems to be the most serious thing of all. But in confessing, in fulfilling the things we were so scared of we learn something. We learn that there are more important things in live then faint possibilities and that once something is out in the open it's different. Once that internal monologue goes external suddenly it seems lighter and simpler and easier to get over. 

And so you do.

And even when things should seem darker they seem a little lighter.

And you feel a little smarter.

And life resumes it's normal programming. 

First Week (And a Day)

I meant to do a first day post but everything was moving so fast I could hardly gather my thoughts. So I guess this is a first week post. I've learned a bit in my first week but the biggest thing is that things get better, and by things I mean high school. I know that intelligence is an excellent thing and that nobody should try and hide it to be accepted or get someone to like them or whatever. In fact I've been preaching this since kindergarten. But we rarely talk about the flip side. The dangers of believing that we are superior. Good self esteem is awesome but we often fall into this trap that makes us believe we are the best. This isolates us, allows few the opportunity to discuss just about anything with us and lads to mega freakouts when the idea that we aren't the best sneaks up on us. I learned that people have important things to say and even if their vocabulary or reading lists aren't as extensive as mine they are valid and interesting and worth talking about. I wish I could say that this discovery was sparked by a lot of introspection and healthy self analysis but it was more of one of those seeing someone else doing something and then seeing myself in that person and kind of losing it due to shame. But in the end the lesson was learned and that is the important thing.

I think my next post will be on time management or perhaps overextending oneself because my whole plan to limit extracurriculars is crashing and burning. But in the meantime I'll try and keep learning and I hope that you are too. 

I was hoping the train was my big number

Today I learned that anniversaries are important because they remind us not of the event but of the time passed. We are constantly experiencing milestones, important events that change who we are and how we see the world.  A while ago I posted about the sad realization that yes terrible things happen to very good people and today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of that terrible time. I think of how that person has grown and changed and survived and I think about how my perspective on the world has changed. But mostly I think of time.
In the end what is an anniversary? It's just a day that happens to be the same as something important and maybe something important will happen on this day of this year and maybe it won't. What is most important is the time in-between. The time where suddenly that day though always in the background maybe wasn't that important. The time where we grew and changed and learned and did not forget but learned how to deal. And we dealt. 
Anniversaries are a time to look back but only for a moment. Because instead of mourning (or celebrating) a day we can marvel in what we have accomplished in that in between time and be confident that the future will not only be the same but be better.

Leave all your loss and your longing behind you can't carry it with you if you want to survive.

Yesterday I spent hours cleaning my room. I went up into those top shelves of my closet where I had old diaries and the get well soon fake flowers with the messages written on them. I took all my clothes and ironed ,folded and culled the things I don't wear any more. I was thinking about how a person is defined by their things. From  style to economic situations we conform , we break free and we work for things. Here in the "developed" world we are a material culture, we consume , the throw away but most importantly we hold onto things. We keep so many unnecessary things that we can get lost in them. By holding onto old movie tickets, secret classroom notes or never sent letters we don't allow ourselves to move forward. Though I threw out so many physical reminders of past events,feelings or crushes the memories are still there. Some were good (though most were bad) and now they all seem a little more distant.
I learned that there are times in our live when the past and present disappear and we are left alone with a shaky present to keep us company. The last few days before my senior year have been like that for me and I don't know when I'll be back in the land of the living.
But what I do know is everything is clean. The drawers are organized and the school bag is packed with colour coordinated supplies and those are just the external thing. Inside seems to have undergone some pre fall cleaning too. Everything feels a little distant but the most important thing is that we will all catch up eventually.