it's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood

It snowed

and snowed

and snowed

and snowed today (though not in time to call it a snow day)

So after a long long long day at school I made an apology,ate a cookie and went for a walk bringing along my trusty SLR. As I pretended to cross country ski by sliding on the icy roads, fed my dog baloney so he would actually let me walk him (instead of him walking me) and took pictures I realized something.

God my neighbourhood is gorgeous.

I live in a town with 217 year old houses. They are expensive and gorgeous and by the lake and every time I bike down there I am very very jealous.

I'm in the "starter" neighbourhood and very happy there but it's not often you look at a brick 1960's bungalow and go "Wow! What an incredible looking house!" But with the sun setting, a blanket of snow falling around me and just the right mix of tunes I saw real beauty. I realized that this is the house where I grew up. My kindergarten fiancée lived around this corner. I caught a crayfish in this creek. I fell on my rollerblades here. I've laughed lived and loved here. It's not anything fancy but on every street there is something magical whether it is the giant tree with a branch that runs perfectly horizontal. In a world where houses are packed onto lots so small one can only take two steps onto concrete before hitting their fence. I get to live with an expansive garden and established plant life.

Though I think the real lesson is this

Love your neighbourhood. Go take pictures. Remember that this will always be "home" because this is where you grew up. You will come back and the tree's will seem a little less tall your neighbour's garden a little less lush and the playground will be a little less maintained but you will have pictures.

You will have memories.

You will have your childhood forever preserved by a street sign.

I had to use a Mr.Roger's quote. That was such a quintessential part of my childhood. Mr. Roger's is home too.

But it all fades into morning when you open your eyes

So I auditioned for my school's coffeehouse! It went well and I was already for a post about challenging yourself and how sometimes we get so sick of our own lives that we do something crazy and out of the ordinary (and that post may come at a later date). Then I got into a fight with a friend and I was going to post about how sometimes we get so blind-sided by building emotions and short sentences that we miss the massive giant really really important point and in the end we get into massive fights and stuff (but then I realized I had learned nothing and it wouldn't make a very good post.)

Then I heard the news.

And I knew that things were different now. I knew what I would write about.

It's hard to get into someone else's head. Especially when you are opinionated and stubborn. So we see the black and white picture we go "This is wrong and scary. If I were you and would run away and never look back" because in our heads this is what makes sense to us. But then we remember that time where we tried to explain that thing we did to someone and everyone else just thought we were stupid.

And then you get it.

Terrible things are going to happen. They shouldn't and nobody deserves them and maybe there will come a time where everybody's lives are perfect. But right now they're not.But we trust that in these things we can only grow. We have to grow or we just throw in the towel. And we'll never understand why these things happen or how they happened or how we could let this happen but what we have to do is offer an awkward hug and cry and figure out what is going to happen.

Love

Love
It's a funny thing the way were all told that at 16 there is no way that we can know what love is.
But I know love. I have yet to experience it in it's romantic form- I love.
I love the way the world smells after it rains
I love the way a good song is not just heard through your ears but pulsates through your whole body
I love that moment on the swingset when you and every other thought in the world - are suspended
I love the sound of my friend's laughter
I love the feeling of slowly waking up
I love how on just the right day at just the right moment anything can be possible
I love catching a smile with a stranger, the innocence of the moment enveloping you
I love the feeling of a tiny puppy in my arms how is practically shakes with energy and possibility
I love being affected by works of fiction in such profound ways
I love feeling connected
I love the sound that a large group of people make responding at once-the sound of something greater

I love that second when your working as a team when everything falls together. When you look at each other and think damn we did this!

I love those people who you can contact out of the blue and just "click" with again

I love that moment when you are running so fast your legs start to move by yourself and everything is- free

I love that feeling when you slip on a vintage dress. That feeling that the thing you are wearing was worn when lives were happening. The way yours is now.

I love the first word typed, the first letter written in a new notebook,the first snapshot on a roll of film and the first time you open a hardcover book.

I love how looking through a persons music collection can tell you so much about them

I love that I have a music collection that I think sends out a pretty good message.

I love how couples can be together for a million years or two days and yet the love is the same

I love my mother hugs

I love the way my sister links arms with me

I love my father's guitar

I love that moment when you first walk into someone's bedroom the sheer emotionally intimacy of it.

I love being young

I love acting older
I love being able to contradict myself in so many ways,but still feel whole

And finally- I love knowing that love comes in so many forms that somehow on the most couple oriented day of the year I can find love and beauty everywhere.

happy valentines day everyone

what do you love?

Prooouuddd Proud to be Proud to see (this moment demands a tegan and sara song)

It's been a crazy three days. I've learned that discrimination is out there,ignorance is out there. Well I knew that but I don't think that I really understood what it felt like. I'm white and middle class living in liberal suburbia. But of course there will always be people who don't share my views...loudly. These views can be scary they can be offensive and in my mind they are wrong(but who am I to judge?). I know that people go through stuff like this every day. That discrimination or hatred is something that we will all experience and something we have to deal with.

I have been reminded though that I am a child. I can fight like an adult, I can speak like an adult but I am a child in this I realize that I should not have to feel the need to fight with adults every day.

So what do we do? For no matter how "average" my sister is she will experience some form of discrimination or belittlement.

Well we have a few options we can stay and fight, we can duck our heads down and hope for the best or we can get out.

You know sometimes despite our (my) innate stubbornness the smartest thing is to get out.

So I changed my schedule and since that 1:45 meeting with guidance I've had a massive smile on my face that nothing (not even the cooking class I know have to take) can wipe it off. I made my points I stood up for myself and what I believe in. I did all i could and maybe I didn't last long but I lasted long enough.

Now I'm going to keep myself safe because it is my right to feel safe where I learn.

I can handle that.

PS If your ever interested in the photography/less composed musings/musical tastes that I throw out onto the internet my tumblr is the place for that.

Lessons From My Sister

This blog is kind of preachy I know. I hope that if I make enough points that a few of them will be valid and that maybe I/You/My sister will learn something. But it's the #1 sister's (Not that she is my favorite but she was the first sister) birthday and as much as I like to think I am so smart and self sufficient. She's taught me some stuff.

1. She has taught me that there is a whole other side to every story. I have been in the same social place my whole life. I have been a proud outsider. She has not. When I am screaming about indignation she can calmly explain that missing piece to the whole thing. She has taught me about balance.

2. She has taught me about strength. My sister has watched me fall apart more times then I can count. She has been funny and sarcastic and strong and smart. She has made boundaries and protected herself while caring for others. She has taught me about protecting and caring.

There are so many things she has taught me. I think about the things I consider myself to be and one of the most important one is being a sister. So there is a lesson in this; We often disagree with the people we care for we have moments where we want to slam their heads into walls. But we need to remember that these are the people who make us who we are. When we see this we really begin to appreciate and grow with these people. We need to do this because as I've been reminded recently we don't have people with us for a long time and in times of pain often the only comfort we can find is that we loved these people with such ferocity that we know that they'll never really be gone.

On Pessimism

This is not really a lesson. It's a bit more of a reflection but I'm hoping it's taught me something and I just haven't noticed.

On Pessimism

We are dramatic
We jump to conclusions
We are raised on what if's and worst case scenarios
We all go through that phase where we only listen to music about death and pain and other lame stuff like that.
Maybe that's all just me but something I know for sure:
We are all pessimistic.
I especially have been pessimistic this past few weeks.
Pessimism is scary. It is not kind it does not spare people's feelings or dreams.
Pessimism takes everything that is light and everything that is in between and drags it down to it's own level.
As humans we want to be special. We all feel isolated. We all sometimes feel like we are the last sane person.
The last smart person.
The last person who has any real thoughts or morals or dreams that are actually pure.
We sometimes wonder if maybe we aren't human maybe something weird happened and we are an island.
Separate from anything else in the whole world.
It's comforting because it allows us to be truly separated from everything sad and commercial and scary.
Maybe thats just me.
I do know that pessimism makes life harder. We become islands unto ourself and as cheesy as the saying is no man is an island.
Of course though we are pessimistic about pessimism.
We convince ourself that the hopeless outlooks of everyone else (not ourself though we never put ourselves into that group of everyone else) we be the downfall of humanity.
But then it's time for a reality check because until the end of time the artists will keep painting and the writers will see those paintings and be inspired writing great poetry,novels and plays and so then the actors will preform those plays and the singers will sing songs about great art and the scientists will play that soundtrack as they work in their labs and all the mathematicians will change their desktop backgrounds.
And we'll keep moving forward.
Someone will look at all the pessimism in the world and all the songs about death and eyeliner and they will change it.
They will be few but nobody goes through their whole life being pessimistic cause those people usually kill themselves.
We will write facebook notes we will smile at strangers we will let someone have our seat on the bus.We will stand up for what is right and we will not be stupidly optimistic we will be confident in our own kind because strangely we must (in a way) join the mob if we want to make stands as an individual.
We will grow
We will change
We will continue.

I typed the first sentance now I can't get Elvis out of my head.

Things are getting all shook up again.

It's funny because change is always a mixed bag. In the history of the world I don't think there has ever been a 100% positive or negative change.

Change is scary and it's fun and it's sad and sometimes we see it coming and sometimes we don't. The semesters ending and I'm happy to say goodbye to law and math but sad to lose drama and ancient civ. I'm going to miss my friends cause I don't have many classes with them next semester. I'm going to (hopefully) enjoy my co-op. Thats scary to though because as much as I want to get out of high school I don't want to be out of the loop.

Missing 3/5 school periods will probably put me there.

I've been thinking alot about change and how it can sneak up on you. Like suddenly you realize that you have to go find out whats going on in someone's life instead of them telling you. Or that three units of math have passed since the last time you looked up at the lesson.

Or that you thought it had'nt been long since you talked to someone from elementary school and then something tragic happens and you realize.

I don't know them anymore.

This post is kind of doom and gloom cause I am coming to a lot of realizations and being reminded of my own mortality and of course the worst thing of all

math exams

On a happier note my new years resolutions are going well my drama culminating was a total success and I think I'm learning even more.

Soon this will all be over and I'll have learned the answers to most of my questions and the changes will finally be complete.

Hopefully.